"Now you stand reborn before us all, so glad to see you well"
Sitting here and thinking of things that I haven't thought about in quite some time. There is a silence about me that seems for a moment comforting, until broken by the echoes of music in my head, it is for a split-second serene. I've been clinging to any moments of serenity that I am offered as they are exceedingly rare as of late, there's something in the air that tells me danger is afoot, something that says to me in whispers, like a dream speaking softly, that there is a big change in my near future, what it is it won't say, when it is it won't say either, sometime soon I can tell this much, I always get this feeling when something major will happen to me, some great life change or spiritual event, it's sort of an ominous quiet before a storm, a feeling I know will end in collapse and destruction, but there's simply nothing I can do to change it all, whatever path I choose will lead to a life altering change of events or circumstances, but there's nothing I want to do to stop it all, I've grown very comfortable in this shroud of chaos, there's something here that brings me comfort, perhaps it's the fact that I am so well adjusted for it, or perhaps it's simply a desperate urge to overcome it that has driven me all along, but now tat i face the possibilities of breaking through the mirror and seeing what is truly awaiting on the other side, I cower, I hide and regress, like a child facing some fear he has held inside for so long. I'm opening my eyes and the world is a very strange place, full of pain and suffering and wondering, but I think to myself that I might be ready to face it all, when really I only want to slink away into the shadows and clutch firmly to this clouded perspective I've had for so long, it's strange, the things that motivate me to do the things I do, they are always something different, and yet they are so similar that they could be easily mistaken for the same, some call it love, others call it heartbreak, I call it simple bliss, there is nothing that I crave more than this thing, whatever it may be called to you, and yet at the same time when it's closing in, when I could finally take hold and fly with this object of my desire, I run away, I push it away, I'm addicted on some levels to this chase, if it were to end I don't know what I would do with myself, I don't exactly know how I would cope, it's funny when you think about it that I try so hard to win an uphill battle, only so I can roll to the bottom, but there is a silver lining to all of this, that roll down the hill again is fun, it reminds me of being a child again, when my sister and I used to roll down the hill at the retirement home, and even before that when my brother and I used to roll down the hill at the fire station on a cheaply made skateboard, we couldn't afford much better, but we didn't care, we were just children enjoying life the way it should be, simple and yet profound, there was something amazingly zen about that time in my life, something euphoric that I think I grasp for every day since, I'm an adult now and things couldn't be scarier, I have bills to pay, women to deal with, heartbreak to feel and cause, there is so much more to being an adult, and really I just want to roll down that hill again, to feel the wind in my hair and have no fears and no regrets, for just those few seconds when I am innocent again...