"Now I see with clarity, I won't be a casualty"
You ever open your eyes to something you wished you could have been blind to, well I have, it seems sometimes like the things I want the most are always the things I can never have, like those things I cherish and dream about every night are only haunting memories of something I can never see again, never touch or hold or kiss or feel, I can never look into those same eyes, with that same smile, and have that same feeling, maybe this is pain but perhaps it's simply me realizing something I should have accepted a long time ago, love hurts but quite frankly I don't care, I'm through with love, through with all the lies and deciet, through with the little chains that tug me along like some lost puppy out there in the world of man, it's sickening sometimes the things we say and do to make something feel real, to make something feel a little closer to us, but we do these things and say these things out of a feeling of necessity, it's not true, we don't feel what we say we do, words can't really express with any real accuracy what we feel, emotions and thoughts are so far beyond communication that it has to be something you simply know, I saw her a long time ago, and that very second I knew it was meant to be, but I realized something, it took me a long time but I opened my eyes, it wasn't meant to be, I just thought it was, there's a movie I really enjoy called "What dreams may come" it's about soul mates and their struggle even after death to be together in the afterlife, a very tragic movie, but there is one quote that above most other stands out in my mind from that movie "So soul mates are kind of like two halves of one soul? Well I guess one isn't much without the other..." really that isn't an exact quote, but I think it's pretty close, the important part is the fact that one half isn't much without the other, and that's how I feel sometimes, but in my case it seems like my other half isn't really my other half at all, but more something that I can crave, something for me to desire and never to have, I suppose life has a funny way of playing these little games with us all, but I'm getting a little sick of them, I'm really getting a little sick of life, it would be nice to not wake up tommorow, I don't think I want to commit suicide, I mean I might but it hasn't entered my mind as a serious possibility, but I know I wouldn't mind one bit to die, it might be nice to not have to think for once, to be blank, pure for a moment, yeah people say alot of things about death, but I have my own image, I want nothing more than be nothing at all, like after you're dead, you're only a memory in a few peoples eyes and eventually the world forgets you, I want to be forgotten, I want to just be a fly on the wall with no feelings to hinder my watching the world pass me by, but that can't happen, it's too late for that little dream, too many people know me, whether it's as a heretic or a legend, or even an angel, it's all too much and I just don't want it anymore, I don't want to feel this pain or this joy any longer, yeah people always try to tell me that when I die, sure I won't feel pain anymore, but I'll never feel joy again either... good, with Joy comes pain, they go hand in hand, one isn't much without the other, I mean people always say love hurts, and they also say it's the most beautiful thing in the world, well which is it, pain or pleasure, I'll tell you, it's neither, and it's both, it's something I don't want anymore, I don't want anyone to love me, and I don't want to love anyone either, every time I do I end up getting crushed, so I give up on this whole bullshit concept we call love, fuck it, I'm through with the heart-ache, and if anyone has any complaints, go ahead but I'm set in my decision, I loved you, I still do, but I'll get over it, so will you, all of you, forget me, forget I ever lived and forget I ever died, I'm just a fly on this wall of life, watching you all pass by...