"To escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities"
Jealousy has of late reared it's ugly head in the most severe of forms, it hasn't caused problems in my relationship, because I've bottled it inside, it's stupid jealousy, but there nonetheless, Mandy had a thing a while back with the members of the band "Dope" and she just recently told me about it, but you see that has begun a spiral of jealous and malicious intent toward them, and honestly it has made me feel like less of a man, it's a stupid reason to doubt my own value because of someone elses past mistakes I know, but it happens with me, now every time I see or hear anything even related to them I want to vomit, either vomit or say "You know what, fuck you, and fuck them." What stops me is that I love Mandy, no matter the mistakes she has made in her past, and she loves me, I understand that quite clearly, and I don't doubt for a moment that she is mine, what I don't have faith in is that if she goes to another concert with them or something to that effect she won't be star-stricken enough to repeat her past mistakes, I should have that faith in her, but she did it when she was with another man and to me there doesn't seem to be any circumstances or personality traits that I have that would prevent her from doing it again, it hurts to think like this, and I hate it, I hate to think anything bad about her, but in the case of "Dope" it happens, and there isn't anything I can do about that, it makes me wonder what else she would do, and although I have faith that she will remain monogamous with me, my heart doesn't always tell me that she will, I know Mandy well enough to realize this, but it is my nature to doubt my own value, and whenever given any reason to, it will happen, I don't want to tell her I don't want her going to their concerts or talking with them anymore, it wouldn't be very good of me as her boyfriend to do that, they are after-all her friends, I think, but that is exactly what I want, nothing less, in all reality I want her to have nothing to do with them any longer, and I never want to have anything to do with them to begin with, but I can't say that to her, it would like I said, be very very wrong, or at least I think it would, I hate matters of the heart, they always confuse me, for some reason I know others feelings and the solutions to their problems far better than I ever know mine, Mandy is the woman who has passed my test, the test I've spoken about in this journal before, I manipulate people and crush them and if they can bounce back and be strong, they pass, but Mandy is the only person who has ever done that, and so I give her my heart, but I am like I said, stricken with the most severe of jealousy, I'll explain exactly what makes me jealous of them another time, for now I have to cool off...