(no subject)
Meh, I really fucking miss my boyfriend. =[ And I'm really honestly tired of dealing with Michael's bullshit. I'm so tired of hearing him say " You know he's cheated on you down there. " and so on.. It hurts me so much because I just need support while he's gone. My dad already says I'm immoral for hanging out with boys while he's gone, but I don't hang out with them and do anything with them. it's just the fact that I pretty much have nothing but male friends but I have hung out with Marley pretty much the whole time Justin's been away. But I just am really ready to have my boyfriend back in my life. But then again, as bad as it sounds.. I don't want him to come back, because the next day is Kelly's one year and I'm not ready for that to come. I haven't excepted the fact she's gone, and I don't want too and I know with her 1 year I really will know that she is gone. And I notice the closer it comes to May 11th, the more I talk about her, the more I daze off and think about her, and just sit alone. I even go to her journal.. Why, I don't know. I know everytime I look at it, it makes me want to die but I just do. I've came to the realization that I honestly would trade my life just for her to come back, even if it were for a minute, I would trade my life and not want it back.. because I want her to come back and see how we miss her and see how her parents love her.. I would love for them to have a minute with her, just so she could say she was doing okay and she was happy where she is. But honestly, I don't know if she really is doing okay or if she really is where she wants me to be.. and I think that's really why I have no closure on the situation, and I know that no matter what I really will never have closure on it. I told my friend Brittany that I would love to just have a dream and see her and just have her say " You know what, I am okay..I'm happy and I am really where I want to be at." I think that would give me all the closure I would need. I would probably wake up and cry but I know it would all be okay. Like I said, that's why I'm so wierd.. because I don't know whats happened with her. I mean I look at it as she's laying in the ground.. and her soul is still in there, because for some reason I just can't all the way believe that there is such a thing as a heaven or a hell.. and that's a scary thought. I don't want to think that but I have no other way of thinking.. you know? *sigh*