(no subject)
no worries love...I am not pregnant...I just had me period. yuck. I don't know what inspired that. guilt maybe. I feel bad because Michael really wantsw to have baby..no, not now...he's not pressureing. it's just that anytime I bring up being unsure, he gets this sad heartbroken look like I tried to take dedogg from him. I'm not always sure he understands the implications...I mean, there are far more with me. I am at risk.
it just scares me, for a lot of reasons. if I were pregnant, it would be a parisite, it could kill me. and I'm selfish...I eally can't imagine haveing a child and devoting so much to another life. and I don't have that kind of energy.
I don't have a romantic view on it. I think about the restless nights, the getting up to change dipers, the arguing about bed time, the not getting any ass, the lack of freedom, the worry and paranoia, the worry when they are older, the fact that when they are older, the won't like me anymore......it's overwhelming..
I told Michael he wouldn't like what I posted and what it was about. I told him in hopes that he would read it, but I don't think he did. it's something I need to talk about with him, but I don't have the guts to. I don't want to hurt him. but I know if I talk about it, I would feel better.
honestly, I can't imagine us pulling it off. I don't know if he realizes how much preparation there needs to be, specifically in my health. that is something that has to start now...not a year before we do it. the money, we need to learn to save and be responsible...and Micahel doesn't do anything...he doesn't change, he doesn't attempt to. that is his one downfall, his lack of ambition...or motivation. I don't know if I trust him to pull it off. emotionally, he would be wonderful. he would be incredible...but other than that I just don't know. he acts like a kid, and so do I. I guess I'm not ready to grow up.
don't worry about me though...I love you sweet batly:)
it just scares me, for a lot of reasons. if I were pregnant, it would be a parisite, it could kill me. and I'm selfish...I eally can't imagine haveing a child and devoting so much to another life. and I don't have that kind of energy.
I don't have a romantic view on it. I think about the restless nights, the getting up to change dipers, the arguing about bed time, the not getting any ass, the lack of freedom, the worry and paranoia, the worry when they are older, the fact that when they are older, the won't like me anymore......it's overwhelming..
I told Michael he wouldn't like what I posted and what it was about. I told him in hopes that he would read it, but I don't think he did. it's something I need to talk about with him, but I don't have the guts to. I don't want to hurt him. but I know if I talk about it, I would feel better.
honestly, I can't imagine us pulling it off. I don't know if he realizes how much preparation there needs to be, specifically in my health. that is something that has to start now...not a year before we do it. the money, we need to learn to save and be responsible...and Micahel doesn't do anything...he doesn't change, he doesn't attempt to. that is his one downfall, his lack of ambition...or motivation. I don't know if I trust him to pull it off. emotionally, he would be wonderful. he would be incredible...but other than that I just don't know. he acts like a kid, and so do I. I guess I'm not ready to grow up.
don't worry about me though...I love you sweet batly:)