(no subject)
It's been a really long time since I have had a meaningful post I guess mainly due to the fact that everything has been fine and I really couldn't ask for anything more in my life. It's pretty sad that I only find it necessary to update when my life turns upside down. Well hells bells you guessed it, and while it might not seem like a big deal to you guys (or even the ones I have already confided in) it happens to be a huge deal to me... and hands down the biggest inner conflict I have ever had. I'll be first to admit that I have never been one to care that much about the way I look or the way I come off to other people. I have never been incredibly vain nor have I been that concerned about my outward appearance. Maybe because I have been going to school with the same people since first grade - and they already know what I look like - they have possibly seen me at my worst. When I went to my new student conference at A&M it was like a total 360. Every time I turned around I was faced with this beautiful girl with the stereotypic blonde hair blue eyes and the barbie doll body. Don't get me wrong here, I know that I am in no way overweight, but I must admit I did become more and more self conscious about my body and my face. I didn't ever consider myself stunningly beautiful nor dog ugly, just mediocre and I was just fine with that - until now. Even in my home town I feel alienated and ugly. I never considered myself a judge mental person - I had even lived by the rule 'never judge a book by its cover'... and now? I find that I compare myself to every other girl I see and it makes me feel awful not only because I feel unattractive but because I have come to the realization that, to me, looks really can make a difference. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that recent events are contributing to this new ultra vain person I have become. I wish most of all though that I could find support in the people I most rely on...