Something New
So I met angela a few months ago and at first I didnt like her to much. Certain situations that happened and her attitude towards me made me turn my nose up at her. But just as i stated in a previous entry, we stayed up all night talking one night i began to like her. As these past couple of months have passed, me and her have spent alot of time together. And even though she knew i liked her, i never pushed anything. I always said if something was there, it would happen in time. As I was just about to give up on her, she spilled her heart to me. The night before thanksgiving we stayed on the phone for hours. And out of nowhere she tells me how she feels about me. She speaks to me for about an hour with me only interrupting a few short times. She told me how shes never connected with anyone like she did with me. She told me how there are things in her life that she has never been able to tell anyone, but for some reason felt entirely comfortable to talk to me. She talked about how scared she was of commitement and just basically how shes been going back and forth in her mind about whether to pursue a relationship with me. As she finished, I was completely shocked and speechless. How could any feel this way about me? So that night, we started a relationship. We both talked about what we wanted out of a relationship and how we felt about certain things. Ive never been able to talk to anyone....I have a problem with putting my feelings into words and therefore its very hard for me talk to people about how i do feel. And even though its hard for me, she can still get it out of me, and I like that. We spend great time together, it can just be me and her and we can talk forever. We have alot of things in common, but there are alot of things we disagree on. But thats what makes it fun. But as much as she tells me about how crazy she is over me and all these wonderful things, I cant help but have doubt. That maybe its to good to be true. Maybe she doesnt really like me. I dont want to think these things. I dont want to have doubt, i wanna believe her when she tells me these things, and i know the only reason i doubt this is because im not truly happy with myself. Therefore i think she doesnt like me for the same reasons i dont like myself. She is very skinny, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but only because i wonder how a skinny beautiful girl, could like someone as big as me. (even though im a hell of alot smaller than i used to be, i still see the old me in the mirror most of the time.) I dont wanna screw this relationship up. Im tryin my hardest to be careful. I compromise. I can go a day or two without talking to her, I can go a week or so without seeing her. Thats what makes it that much better when i do talk to her or see her. Im glad that ive changed in the ways that i have. Im not stuck up her ass or constantly having to keep tabs on her, and im happy about that. I saw what it did that last time, and I dont want to do that with her.
She told me she loved me the other night right before she said goodnight........ I was shocked, and therefore all i said was goodnight. I felt like an idiot, I didnt want her to think that i didnt say it because it wasnt how i felt. So later when i talked to her, i said i love you, and she said it back. But something didnt feel right, not in a sence that i dont love her, but i could tell something was going on with her, because it seemed to be pushed aside. Well when she slept over the other night, after spending time in "bed", we were outside cuddled up together under a blanket smoking a cigarette and i asked her if her intentions on sleeping over were only to have sex because it was something i didnt plan on doing for a while. She said that hadnt crossed her mind when she thought about coming over. Then she asked me if i had went along with it if i didnt want to. I told her i just didnt want it to be fake, i didnt want it to mean nothing, and i didnt want to get hurt. She told me it wasnt fake, that she really cared about me. Thats when i told her that when i said i loved you, i really meant it. She got teary eyed and told me that she loved me so much, i couldnt do anything but kiss her. I was scared to say i love you too soon, because i figured i fall to easily and ive already been told that i had said i love you too soon once before. So i tried to hold it back until i thought it was the right time, well come to find out, shed felt that way before we even got together. Thats why im really glad that we took the time to build a friendship. Even though we havent been friends for long, we needed to build something before we started a relationship. All i can say is i hope this works out. All im gonna do is play it day by day. Dont stress the small stuff, and talk about the big stuff. Dont hide feelings, and dont be to clingy. The last relationship was built off of nothing......but isnt that how highschool relationships usually go? Ive grown up a lil, my views are different. My experiences have changed me. And I cant thank anyone but nick.
((She slept over the past few nights. And about every twenty minutes, she reminded me about the fact that i must cut my nails. I always used to bite my finger nails. Nasty habit, I know. Well in july i decided i wasnt going to do it anymore, cause i wanted beautiful natural nails. So I havent cut them since, and I must say, they are pretty fuckin long because they never break. But now that i have really long pretty nails....I must cut them off. And this totally sucks. My last relationship i was unable to have nails, and here we go again....))