YAY! It works now.
Forgive me if this is a little ramble-y.
I've been going through some very odd shifts in focus lately, mostly due to the way last quarter turned out (and a few other things as well). So I need to sorta vent for the moment.
For those of you that don't know, I'm currently on academic probation/subject to disqualification. Let me explain this better. If I fuck up again, they're going to kick me out of UCSC. Yes, it's that bad. However, that fact has rather jolted me back to reality. College is not high school, I can't skate by with stupid excuses and expect the professors just let it slide. So, I'm back with a vengence (with only one minor set back due to a cold). I've decided I want to graduate early, so I've got to kick some butt for the rest of this year and next year (which will probably be my last). Why, if I love UCSC so much, do I want to graduate early? Simple. My mother told me that she would help out with grad school if I managed to graduate early. But, wait... I thought you weren't going to grad school! I've recently come to a decision that it's something I want. Not just any grad school, NYU. Big step for me. However, this rather ties in with the next thing I want to vent about.
If I go to NY I want to know exactly what I'm going to be doing there. I know you're probably all thinking that I want to go and act, but I'm not so sure anymore (*gasp, shock, and horror*). I've been acting for the past 12 years with hardly any break in between shows. I've burned myself out finally. Actually, it's more that I've lost my focus. I can't concentrate on stage anymore and it's because I seemed to have developed too big of an ego. So, acting has gone on hiatus. If I manage to regain the spark acting gave me when I was younger (well, I felt it two years ago in Les Miserables, but it seemed to die right after that), I'll pick it back up again. I'm taking an intro acting class next quarter (hopefully) and I need to start building up my monologues again if I'm going to do this. I can't do last minute auditions anymore because then I know that my heart isn't in it.
So, I have something new in theater that I'm working on. Lights. Last year, I worked spot for a show and I absolutely loved working with the instruments. I'm taking a light design course this quarter and so far I think it's awesome. It's really something I can get into and I get to tinker with lights. I've even looking into learning how to be a Master Electrician which is what I think I'm really interested in. They get to play with the actual instruments. Next quarter, Seamus (a student master electrician at UCSC) is looking into making me his assisstant for the show he's working on.
Basically, I've gone through a huge shift in what I want to do and I'm not sure what I want anymore. I love being on stage, I really do, but I can't continue to embarrass myself anymore. It's humiliating when you can't keep a straight face or step into a character's shoes or AFRAID to step into a character's shoes. If I go to NY, perhaps I'll be doing something entirely different, only time will tell I guess.
Life seems to be going marginally well besides that and this dastardly cold. And besides fighting with Rico a lot, but I'm trying to get better about that. Most of the arguments are my fault. This is also going to sound very silly because... well it just is. There are three major reasons as to why I need to keep my calm when it comes to Rico.
1) It's very painful to him if I keep attacking him. And it hurts me too know that I could do something like to him. When you love someone very deeply, they have the most capacity to hurt you and I think we've both been exploiting this a bit too much lately.
2) A conversation I had with Nick recently where I realized that I wasn't just upset about what's been going on, but extremely angry and lost as to what to do.
3) An episode of Charmed. Stupid, I know, but hear me out. In this one episode, a demon appeared that fed on repression. A couple that are rather estranged and gone through quite a bit in that show fell prey to the demon. The woman, Piper, when fed off of attempted to kill her husband, Leo. She was so angry at him for leaving her alone with their kids that she tried to blow him up. Leo, when fed on, overloaded the demon with everything he's repressed and it exploded. Now, I know this still sounds silly, but it got me thinking. How would I react if a demon of repression fed off of me? I decided the picture wouldn't be very pretty and this is a really bad thing. Seriously. I would probably explode.
All in all, I need to work on my anger issues. It's really starting to hurt other people which I never intended to happen. Something else I need to work on, is my trust problems. I've had major issues with trust lately and I know the exact reason why, but I don't care to discuss it here. I've been frank and honest about everything else, but I think I'm going to keep this to myself. In any case, my trust issues are really bothering Rico. It would seem that I don't trust him the way he wants me to because of previous issues (I don't care if this is vague, I did that purposely). I know that's an issue that needs to be dealt with, but it's hard to get over these things quickly. And it sucks that Rico has to suffer because of things that happened in my past, but I'm working on it. I really am.
Another thing that's been going on lately is that Taylor has been very down lately. This worries me very much and I want to do everything to help her, but I don't know what I can do. It just seems that her life keeps getting worse and worse and all I can do is sit there and try to be there for her when she needs me. I miss the old Tay from high school. I know it's stupid to do so because I am not the same person I was in high school, so it's selfish to want her to stay the same, but that was an awesome year. It would be nice to go back to that time and just revel in it because I don't think I appreciated it as much as I should have back then. It seems our lives have just gotten in the way recently. Mine especially so. I've let things... blind me I guess you could say and I've lost sight of what I really have. I keep griping about someone not making me a priority, but really, I should have noticed I'm doing the same thing to Taylor. And that really makes me feel like shit. She's my best friend. She should be on the top of my list. I am a horrible friend. Really horrible.
I wish I could say more about all these things, but I think I've reached an emotional stand still for the moment. Life has been... odd lately. I really hope that I can fix all these things stated before. Most of them are actually fragments of my New Year's Resolutions and I really hope that I don't forget about them. And for those of you that are still reading, I applaud you.
MUY IMPORTANTE! If you're mentioned in this and you want to talk to me, don't hesitate to call me because I would love to talk to you about anything mentioned. Currently, I'm at work (saturday evening) and if I can't answer the phone right away, I will be sure to call you back. I love you all so much. I really do have awesome friends.
Love you all.
Edit: I'm having trouble looking at this entry on my current computer (i.e. only half the entry is showing up). Grrr. Let me know if it doesn't work and I'll try to fix it when I get home.
This is riCOCKulous. Kicks computers. I think I need to split this into two entries... but that doesn't make any sense. Any ideas anyone? DON'T BOTHER READING THIS RIGHT NOW. NOT WORKING.
Edit 2: All fixed. Thanks Dori!