self pity, literature, and pop-culture
I hope I am PMS-ing. I'm in a dreadful state today. I woke in tears and shall likely lie down in them at the end of the day. Bleeding will simplify the emotions and I can write them off as a consequence of the hormonal tide. Meanwhile I'm sad about everything, a usual state of affairs, but not, generally, a paralyzing one
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I look at my mom and dad's lives and remember all the friends they had, meeting at each others house to play pinochle or euchre and eating snacks and visting. My parents had A LOT of friends, a lot of those relationships stemmed from living during the Depression. I think has time has progressed and the world has changed (and I'm not sure it's changed for the better) people are floundering to redefine how friendship can work in a modern world where everything is go go go go go and it's hard to get time for yourself, much less other people.
As for friends, I can only speak from experience. At one time I thought had many friends (we had all met back in the days of BBS systems, which is sort of like a mini internet all it's own) and we'd get together in groups and do things, I put my ass on the line more than a few times for a lot of these people (learning sign language at an accelrated rate so I could interpret for one person who was deaf, taking another on a long multi stste journey (and I fucking HATE driving Highways, I'm near phobic of them) when she thought her grandmother was dying, at another time making it a point to invite a couple we knew who were really struggling financially and making HUGE batches of chili or beans or something like that and then insisting they take leftovers because no way could the ex-douchebag that was my husband be able to all that, guying a monstrous bag of dog food for a friend who was afraid she'd have to give her dog up because she couldn't feed him, I gave her the bag and told her I had thought to get it to feed my dogs, but they didn't like the food and I couldn't take it back because it was opened, so she might as well have it.
Or, in the case of long distance friends (and I have people who I would move heaven and earth for, and indeed, once one of them did the same for me, dragging me out of the hell of upstate ny and bringing me home to Indiana. We had only ever been together in person twice in our life.)
To me, a friend is someone you will go that extra mile for, even do without yourself sometimes because their need is greater. Other people you know are "acquintances (man I butchered spelling that)people you know and don't mind being around from time to time, but the relationship seems a little more two dimensional.
I didn't expect my friends to help me with money or something like that when I helped them, the only real reciprocation I would have expected was that when my life plummeted into hell, they'd at least send down a walkie talkie and stay in touch, maybe provide some emotional support or a few ideas of what could help.
I found out quickly many people I thought were friends, indeed, one who swore I was more her sister than her blood sister, weren't my friends, they were users. When I had nothing left to give, the rats deserted the sinking ship.
TBC
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