Update 11/27
Figured I may as well get this out of the way for today. Gonna do it for a couple days, may be short little things but I'm still gonna do it for a while. See if it helps with anything. Also makes it all the easier to just let friends see this over explaining to each and everyone of them how I'm doing.
Needless to say, today has been a bit better than the last. One of the things that helped a lot was the kind words from one of my friends. He said some stuff that really made me think and smile to myself.
Also, another friend pointed out that I'm still a child. I can still fix things I don't like about myself. So I can hate who I am, and move towards a better me.
I really do like that ideal. To forever change and grow. Becoming better and stronger with each passing breath. That is something I shouldn't forget; and continue working towards. I can still grow.
So perhaps, today I am hopeful. Hopeful that with time I can be more worthy of what I have. To give more back to the people I care about.
Even though today has brought new hope with it, it's also brought physical illness. I am not sure if it is from stress or lack of consumption. But I have been sick to my stomach a multitude of times through the day.
High spirits are hard to keep when my body is giving out. Its as tired as I am, perhaps. A tank running on empty, that starts to harm the engine. Though, maybe it is merely my own anxieties. These thoughts hardly help the queazy feeling in my gut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see an old worker I went to. I haven't been there in over a year, perhaps around when I started work at the daycare. Other then a couple of calls to mobile crisis; there wasn't any problems to be had. I graduated from such help, so to speak.
But now I'm back there, back in my pit. What brought me here again? I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's the compiling stress of everything that has transpired recently. Maybe it's finding new friends that has brought on these old tendencies.
Did I force myself to stop being this after Chen left? Did I just temporarily lose that piece of myself?
I doubt it's an answer I can find tonight. Maybe tomorrow, or a month from now. But not tonight.
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