Update 04/10
Even though it didn't start off as such, today has just been a much better day. Initially though I felt like complete trash. Wanted to call in sick to work and just crawl back into bed. But I managed to pull myself out and get ready for work.
It wasn't much help to my state. But it wasn't a hinderance either. It kind of just happened. Worked my ass off like always but didn't think about it. If that makes any sense? I was happy to get home.
Talking to B really is what changed my mood. Initially it made me ragingly mad that his asshole parents were now adding theft to the list of shit they've pulled on him. But like always our conversations just want plain retarded and I laughed. Just... laughed. Without a care. It was nice. I needed it.
We watched a porno together that had one of his exes in it. Which set the silly mood for the night. I also got to see Fuz while at the store, and talk to Lashiec online. So I got to talk to most of my favourite people today.
Also was a bit loose with money today. Decided to pick up Bioshock Infinite with the giftcard my cousin gave me for my bday. Picked up a birthday card for one of the night kids. Sponsored Rooster Teeth. Well maybe not that bad. But usually when I keep my purse locked tight, it feels like a lot. xD
Either way, the point is that I feel better today. I'm not needlessly angry or depressed with life anymore. But I did have an interesting conversation with someone on the situation at hand. Part of the problem is likely accountable to the whole autistic thing. They probably don't even realize they're speaking down to me without it pointed out. Sure I can say all that, and brush it under the rug. Yet is that fair to me?
I have a condition too. People will get mad at me for saying it, but I see it far worse then autism. Autism may make you a bit socially awkward or take a bit more time to learn things; but unless in an advanced state does not make you violent. It doesn't make you want to act out negatively towards others or yourself. Autism never makes you wonder if you won't see another year.
When I was younger, I never thought I would live past 18. I was certain that something would finally push me over the edge. That no one would be there to save me from myself. In all my years of growing, I've learned something important. I have to put myself first.
Yes, this person is at heart kind. I consider them a friend. Though there is a big question looming over everything. Could we just not be compatible on the emotional level? Autistics have problems reading social situations; but my problem is the reverse. I can read tones and body language. Hints. Fractions. I see them. I sit on them and let them erode my heart.
With that said, is everything to blame on conditions? Miscommunication? Or is it something more. Something that simply can not be fixed. It was presented to me, and I ponder it now to myself. Could it just be that we can not function together? That because of these tendencies, I will only continue to be set off myself?
If that is the case. If in two or three weeks they say hurtful things again to set me off; perhaps it's better to take a step back. It's not healthy for myself. Or anyone else involved. If it can't be, it simply can't be.
In the end, there is lots to think about still. At least I'm thinking of it logically over being angry. Being angry never gives a clear solution to anything.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.