changing the name of my journal today
For the first several years, my live journal was called "I'll say any damn thing I want", which is a quote from a White Zombie song. It reflected my attitude and captured that for me online journaling was about saying, communicating, putting my thoughts out there, as well about encountering the thoughts of others similarly motivated.
A couple years back (maybe four?), overwhelmed by chaos and feeling a lack of optimism, I changed the name of my live journal to "Hell in a handbasket", which was my primary observation of the state of the world (humans/ America) ... It reflected my perception of my status as observer unempowered - someone who had given up on wanting to save the world (or at least thru my being here make it a better place), which is how I self-identified from the age of 16 thru law school. I lost that drive/will in law school and was completely filled with/dominated by the void that took the place of that drive. "Hell in a handbasket" was me throwing my hands up, giving up, taking no accountability, going down with the ship.
I no longer feel like an observer unempowered... the fatalistic name no longer suits.
Today I came across the term "elaboratus" in a psychology book I'm reading, meaning "achievement with difficulty". It concisely states how I feel about my role today - I am working hard. It is not an attempt at external achievement, but is a wholly (holy?) internal effort to repair the void created by giving up my former self-identification and replacing it with nothing. It is also about repairing karma and ancient (in this life time) bad juju that I have left untended, which has taken over my subconscious.
My journal is no longer about "putting what I have to say out there" and I am considering taking it offline. What I am working on is intensely private.
Will probably take an lj-cation.
A couple years back (maybe four?), overwhelmed by chaos and feeling a lack of optimism, I changed the name of my live journal to "Hell in a handbasket", which was my primary observation of the state of the world (humans/ America) ... It reflected my perception of my status as observer unempowered - someone who had given up on wanting to save the world (or at least thru my being here make it a better place), which is how I self-identified from the age of 16 thru law school. I lost that drive/will in law school and was completely filled with/dominated by the void that took the place of that drive. "Hell in a handbasket" was me throwing my hands up, giving up, taking no accountability, going down with the ship.
I no longer feel like an observer unempowered... the fatalistic name no longer suits.
Today I came across the term "elaboratus" in a psychology book I'm reading, meaning "achievement with difficulty". It concisely states how I feel about my role today - I am working hard. It is not an attempt at external achievement, but is a wholly (holy?) internal effort to repair the void created by giving up my former self-identification and replacing it with nothing. It is also about repairing karma and ancient (in this life time) bad juju that I have left untended, which has taken over my subconscious.
My journal is no longer about "putting what I have to say out there" and I am considering taking it offline. What I am working on is intensely private.
Will probably take an lj-cation.