Can't Sleep - Go Figure
What's this like...the billionth time I can't fall asleep? And when I do, I wake up after an hour or so? Seriously, haven't slept this bad since I was fourteen and had the stomach flu. My body doesn't even know the definition of sleep anymore. And it sucks. But I just can't close my eyes and drift off. Every time I do that, I hear rifle shots, and explosions and people screaming. It's become routine for me, now. After a little more than a month of this already, it's not even something I have to like doing. It's not a job either. It feels like a duty. I mean, it's different. Nothing like I've ever done before, and I don't know how I feel about it.
Really, my goal is to get home alive. I can have a broken leg, or...arm or something, but as long as I'm alive, and able to hold my girls, I'm all right with whatever happens. That's 116 more days. I can do that. I can stay alive 116 more days. I thrive on hope, really. If I didn't have any, if I didn't have a reason to go back home, then I'd most likely risk my life more than I am. I feel kind of guilty about that, but I promised Rachel. I told her I'd do my best to return, and by that, I meant my absolute best. I keep my word, in case anyone's wondering. When I promise something, I do everything in my power to keep that promise. Sometimes, I feel guilty when I hold back instead of helping the infantry soldiers like Mason does, but I feel this tugging at my heart, telling me to stay back. Rachel's clearly here with me.
I am in a constant battle with myself over wearing the Rachel necklace she gave me. I'm afraid if I wear it during the day, that I'll lose it somewhere, and that just...can't happen. But if I don't wear it, then I feel like I'm showing I don't care enough, which obviously isn't true. I usually fall asleep with it in my hand, and it's still there when I wake up (on my better nights, of course). Of course, Rachel's in my heart; I don't need a necklace to prove that she's close. She's already there.
On a slightly lighter note, here's something I snapped earlier after we had our lunch:
We were goofing off, Mason and I. Also, he claims to be growing a beard. Andrea might not be pleased about dating Chewbacca, as I've told him. What do you think, Rach? Beard or no beard on your husband? ;)
Really, my goal is to get home alive. I can have a broken leg, or...arm or something, but as long as I'm alive, and able to hold my girls, I'm all right with whatever happens. That's 116 more days. I can do that. I can stay alive 116 more days. I thrive on hope, really. If I didn't have any, if I didn't have a reason to go back home, then I'd most likely risk my life more than I am. I feel kind of guilty about that, but I promised Rachel. I told her I'd do my best to return, and by that, I meant my absolute best. I keep my word, in case anyone's wondering. When I promise something, I do everything in my power to keep that promise. Sometimes, I feel guilty when I hold back instead of helping the infantry soldiers like Mason does, but I feel this tugging at my heart, telling me to stay back. Rachel's clearly here with me.
I am in a constant battle with myself over wearing the Rachel necklace she gave me. I'm afraid if I wear it during the day, that I'll lose it somewhere, and that just...can't happen. But if I don't wear it, then I feel like I'm showing I don't care enough, which obviously isn't true. I usually fall asleep with it in my hand, and it's still there when I wake up (on my better nights, of course). Of course, Rachel's in my heart; I don't need a necklace to prove that she's close. She's already there.
On a slightly lighter note, here's something I snapped earlier after we had our lunch:
We were goofing off, Mason and I. Also, he claims to be growing a beard. Andrea might not be pleased about dating Chewbacca, as I've told him. What do you think, Rach? Beard or no beard on your husband? ;)