a lovely weekend, b-day, and....lovely thoughts. =)
Hello my dear friends. Well I have much 2 say but I don't want 2 type it I guess. '^_^ Well I had....A HELL OF A TIME over at john's house! it was so much fun!! like the best! lol. basically...jacob came over to my house, we just stayed, then went to gatti's w/ brian missy maddy, back to my house, off to johns house, popped fireworks and made the biggest explosions of fireworks you could imagine on the freakin ground! lol!, blew up more and more and more and more things, went to his house, mostly everyone at the party stayed and watched movies all night ^_^, woke up after sleeping, ate breakfast, me and jacob got ready and left, stopped by for more fireworks for later ^_^, wnet to my house, then to diversions for gaming, my house again, we all played halo 2 and I kicked butt once again ^_^, I got ready, me and jacob go to alex's, we stay there and play video games and watch Anchorman which was a GREAT movie, watched people play DOA, played w/ more fireworks, skated a bit, watched a bit more, got ready and left. now i'm here typing this....and yeah..I've just been pondering but I'm feeling different today...weird...
Now I don't want this to sound like me complaining at all or anything...so yeah. but as I came back form alex's to my house...I was listening to that Jimmy Eat World cd...and it helped me think about some things. I was just thinking about all my past drama and situation w/ other girls. =/ BAck in the day I used to tell girls I liked them and try to go 4 them, but they lead to disaster. Then over the summer and during the school year, I made a vow of some sort to not go after girls but just let them come to me. And yes this happened w/ amanda and mari, yet they never worked either because of certain things. =/ and now in the present, girls now tell me that I'm "hot" or whatever...which I guess my definition is attractive in a sexual way...but that's just me. =/ and it seems to be that I never win...because, it's nice to know that some1 likes me for my looks, but that's not really all I want....I would rather someone like me for my personality and the way I act and everything, and not just by how "hot" I look or whatever. i'm just not really that kind of guy I don't think...and I think that there might or might not be girls that like me...who knows...but the ones that do have somethin for me or a little little somethin for me and arehiding it because they don't want to tell me, well...I just say tell me because I swear to God I'm not going to be a jerk about it or whatever....because I fall for some1 easily which is sad of me..but who knows...I secretly like a girl or girls...but no one knows thatbecause I've learned not to tell or whatever. maybe I do like some people or maybe I don't. only me and God know. ^_^...but yeah...I mean...I guess I'm saying all of this because the 2 girls that have come 2 me....well..I really honestly felt something for..and it was nice to feel something coming back from them. it was a real nice feeling...just until amanda was weird in a way that i would think she'd be doing stuff behind my back and stuff and wouldn't just care for me and just me. =/ am I right? well..only her, God, and anyone of her friends knows that. =/ and mari..well I would really feel something in the beginning there, yet...towards the end...the feelings drifted away from her...as in what she had 4 me i guess. =/ but only God and her know that. all those times seemed so great to me...and I iwsh I could relive them...because I will never 4get people like them, but htat doesn't mean that I won't move on. Of course I'll move on...but when?..now that's the question. now...I just wish that girls would come 2 me and ay they might have a little feeling for me. of course not out of the blue or anything, but just when we are talking or having a nice convo by ourselves and stuff. just in the past...it was nice...to have someone there by my side who cared about me so much...until it all fell down in the end. I just want to have that feeling back. I know I don't HAVE to have someone to be w/ and I know that because I'm semi-happy the way I am. ^_^ it would just be nice...to have some1 once again..who cares so much for you and only you in that way or matter...and no one else in that way. =) that's something i would like, because I know what my heart wants and maybe once...i have played games w/ 2 people...but I knew what I REALLY wanted...I just didn't want to hurt anybody. -_- I just....don't want to be a cold hearted person at all....that's just not me. I don't want to hurt anybody...but yeah...some1 nice. =) some1 who thinks I"m "hot" or attractive from the outside, but what is better is some1 who finds me attractive for who I am, what my heart thinks, and how I make them feel from the inside. THAT's what would be nice,THAT's what I would rather want, and THAT's what would make me.....happy. =) well..I think I"m done...I just kinda wanted to blur that out or somethin...speak my mind I guess. but I'm just feeling indifferent. ^_^ not in a bad way of course, jsut thinkin. =p lol. anyways..I'm off for this journal entry.take care my friends. laters. ^_^