You Send Me
Title: You Send Me
Pairing: Meredith & Derek
Show: Grey's Anatomy
Timeline: Post 3.22/23 The Other Side of This Life
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Not Me.
Sorry. My Bad. Just... things. Its actually been written for months now. Just - editing. Blech. So... yeah. Enjoy!
Part Seven
Derek was in the middle of his seventh meeting of the day, bone-tired and bored to tears when his phone vibrated against his hip. Glancing down at the display, he saw that the caller was his mother. Latching on to it as a reason to excuse himself, he pushed back from his seat and, clutching his phone in one hand with his briefcase in the other, slithered through the ballroom’s double doors into the hallway outside.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Hey, Der, baby, what are you thinking for dinner?”
He sighed with exhaustion, running a hand down his face. Besides a lunch meeting in the Executive Board Room, he hadn’t eaten all day. “I don’t know. There’s some big dinner tonight with a keynote speaker . . .”
“Well, why don’t you come down to Miami to meet us?”
He headed for the elevator, glancing down at his watch. Quarter after six in the evening. “I’m going to go shower and change and I’ll give you a call.”
“Hurry up, loser, we’re starving!” Nancy shouted in the background.
Derek stepped onto the elevator, pushing the button for the 8th floor, letting out a long, low sigh as the lift began its ascent. “Where do you want to go?”
“Kathleen really wants to try Gloria Estefan’s restaurant; what’d you say it was called, Kay?”
“Larios!” He heard his second oldest sister reply as the elevator dinged and opened on his floor. “It’s Cuban food.”
He slowly made his way down the hall, shifting his phone from his left ear to his right as he reached into his pocket for his room key. “I haven’t even left the hotel since I got here yesterday so anything is great.” Normally he’d prefer something healthier - but if he stayed in tonight, left to his own devices to think of and ache for Meredith, he’d go crazy. He missed her so much he felt sick with it.
“The concierge said the food wasn’t very good but Kay wants to go anyway,” his mother explained.
Rolling his eyes as he slid the key into the lock and sighed gratefully when the red light yielded to green. Derek pushed the door open with his shoulder, releasing another deep breath as he entered his room for the first time all day. “Of course she does,” Derek offered. “You know Kay always has to form her own opinions.”
Derek kicked off his shoes, aiming them for the closet, and dropped his briefcase by the door as he leaned against it to force it closed. He exhaled deeply, loudly, relieved to be back in his room.
“I raised all my children to form their own opinions,” Elise stated proudly.
“You sure did, Mom,” he placated lowly, rubbing his neck. “I’m in my room and going to shower now. I’ll call you in a little bit.”
“Hurry up!” Nancy and Kathleen yelled in unison. He rolled his eyes as he ended the call and dropped his Blackberry on the console table beside the door.
Padding into the bedroom area, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Hi.”
Meredith was standing before him, a small, nervous smile on her face, her arms linked behind her back as she gazed at him with fear radiating from her eyes.
“What - what are you doing here?” Derek blinked; his heart rate accelerated and realization struck - this was not a dream.
She stepped toward him, only once, and worried her lower lip with her teeth. She looked nervous. Scared. Beautiful. So beautiful he ached to touch her. He was never very good at the whole Keep-Hands-Off-Meredith thing. He was drawn to her, inexplicably, and staring at her now only made it all the more clear how desperately he’d missed her.
“I, um . . . I wanted to talk . . . to you.” She looked down at her feet, swallowing audibly.
Derek scoffed in disbelief. “Talk to me? Meredith, have you ever heard of the phone?”
Her back stiffened and she brought her eyes up to his, defiant, defensive. “What I have to say I didn’t want to do over the phone.”
He fought to keep his face blank, unreadable. He agonized to touch her but something - fear? - held him back. “What do you have to say?” He didn’t want to look at her. He couldn’t. If he looked into her eyes, he was afraid . . . The power she had over him was captivating.
She licked her lips nervously, bringing her hands around to the front to wring them nervously. “I . . . I didn’t have a speech prepared.” Derek watched, almost amused, as the thoughts raced over her face. He could read them like a book. Crap. Shit. I should have had a speech prepared!
And the longer Derek watched, the more something about her body language and that expression on her face piqued his interest, gave him hope. Tilting his head to the side, he finally regarded Meredith without the fear that looking directly in her eyes would kill him. Stepping closer, he reached for her face. “I can’t believe you’re here.” His voice sounded distant, foreign to his own ears.
“Neither can I,” Meredith whispered, staring at him unblinkingly. When he would have touched her, brought their bodies together, she shied away, shaking her head. “Don’t. Not yet. Or I’ll never get this out.”
Derek frowned. She couldn’t possibly come all this way and tell him not to touch her. He had to touch her. Or die. “Meredith.” He tried to sound patient and amused even though he was seconds away from begging. He’d missed her so much it hurt to breathe and now she was inches away, in his hotel room, pretty and sweet and Meredith - and she was telling him not to touch her.
She held up a hand to stop him from saying anything more. “No talking. Please.”
Sighing, Derek moved away, walking over to the armchair by the window. He sat down and looked to her for comment.
After several long seconds of her just staring at him wide-eyed and terrified, finally, her mouth began to move and a flurry of words came out. “I wanted to say yes. I - But - I’m scared of marriage, Derek. I’m scared of how it could change us. Change me. Change you. Change everything.”
“I know,” he said simply. He hadn’t expected her to jump right into it. He’d at least thought she’d beat around the bush for a little while longer. But she had come right out and gotten to the heart of the matter. After flying three thousand miles.
Hope.
He felt hope festering in his gut, throbbing, aching so much he wanted to press his hand into his belly to still the pressure. Instead, he stared at his love, transfixed, hung on every word, desperate to hear the ones he’d dreamt of for . . . ever.
Furrowing her lip with her teeth, he watched Meredith force herself to look him in the eye. “But the - the truth is that even thinking about a life without you - that scares me more.”
The hope exploded into joy and he rose to stand once again, taking a step in her direction. “Meredith.”
“Because I love you so much, Derek.” Her eyes were gray today, bright and liquid with unshed tears. Her voice cracked and he watched her roll her eyes and drop her head, stomping her foot in frustration. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” she whispered as the tear slipped from her lid and fell unbidden down her face. “But I don’t want to live without you.” She sucked back a sob. “I can’t.”
He smiled in spite of himself. “I feel the same way about you, Mere.” Here she was, beautiful and brave and crying in front of him, and still, holding her arm out to make sure he did not reach for her.
“I know,” she sighed raggedly, licking the tears that had gathered around her mouth.
“I won’t apologize for it. I won’t apologize for wanting you to be mine.”
“I am yours,” she rasped desperately. Hope, joy, excitement were battling within Derek again and the only way he knew how to handle it, keep it all in control was to touch her. He reached for her again but she shook her head, stepping back.
He groaned. “Mere, come on. You can’t fly three-thousand miles and then tell me not to touch you!” He felt like whining. Wait, he was whining.
She nodded her head rapidly. “Yes I can. Because I don’t think straight when you touch me.”
But she wanted his hands on her too. Derek knew that. He could see it in the way she was looking at him, that look that told him she wanted to touch him. And do lots of things that just involved them touching one another. He told himself to be patient. Just wait a little bit longer. Balling his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms so hard it was a wonder he didn’t break the skin, he regarded her imploringly. “Mere.”
“I want a real proposal,” she rushed on, her shoulders sagging with visible relief at the admission. “I want the speech, the knee, the ring. I want it all, Derek.” She was beaming up at now, so beautiful she took his breath away.
Derek smiled, his blue eyes twinkling. He tried to play it cool. He tried to act like his legs hadn’t just gone weak at Meredith’s incredibly passive-aggressive way of accepting his proposal. “I wasn’t sure you’d want a ring.” He tried to keep it light as the realization she was saying yes threatened to choke and embarrass him by bursting into tears. Because he knew Meredith. He knew she needed to feel like this whole marriage thing was her idea, and on her terms. And because he loved her more than anything in existence, he could and would do just that.
Meredith tilted her head and raised a brow in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I?”
He shrugged. “You never wear rings.”
Her face softened, turned serious as her eyes bore into his. “I’d wear the ring you gave me.”
His heart swelled, a sharp dagger of elation and love dancing in his gut, forcing that sliver of fear further down as he told himself not to hope, not to get too excited. Not yet. But then -
“If we get married,” Meredith continued, riding the wave of confidence now that she saw the way he was looking at her. She had him and she knew it and he knew that she knew it. “If we get married, I want things to be a certain way.”
God - he loved her. He’d do anything as long as she stayed with him. “What way?”
“I’m going to wear your ring. You are going to wear mine.”
It was his turn to tilt his head in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Meredith shrugged. “You didn’t wear one when you were with Addison.” She looked away briefly. “At least not from what I saw.”
Derek cleared his throat, looking away also at the unwelcome mention of his former wife and the reminder of his former life. “I used to,” he said softly. “Before.” He didn’t have to say what he was referring to because he knew that she realized he meant before he caught Mark in bed with Addison.
“Well you don’t have to worry about that this time so you have to wear my ring.” Derek knew, without her having to say so, that it was important to her, as trivial as it might seem, to see that little symbol there, on the third finger of his left hand. It was important for her to know - and for everyone else to know - that he belonged to her.
“I’ll wear your ring, Meredith. That’s not even a question.”
“Good.” It was time to wind this thing down. He would go out of his skin if he didn’t touch her soon. But - “There’s something else.”
“What?” He tried not to whine. He just needed to touch her. Hold her. Kiss her. Make his mind believe once and for all she was real and she was here and she was saying yes - in her own weird, convoluted Meredith Grey way.
“I know you want children someday, Derek.”
His smile faded and he looked down, away, anywhere but at her. Kids. He hadn’t let himself think about kids. Because he knew it wasn’t a deal breaker, not really. He’d rather have Meredith every day for the rest of his life than be a father. But if he could have both? Yeah, if he could have both, life wouldn’t get any better. Completely thrown off guard, he didn’t know what else to say, how else to respond besides “Oh.”
“I can’t . . .” She must have seen his back stiffen because suddenly she was rushing on, stumbling over her words as she said, “Not yet. I’m not quite sold on the whole Meredith-as-Mommy thing.” She hesitated long enough for him to bring his eyes back up to meet hers. He gave nothing of his inward turmoil away and she felt comfortable enough to go on. “But I know you’ll be a great father. And I want to give that to you some day. I want to do that for you. I want to . . . try. To do that. For you. You know, one day. Later. Much later. So, you know, not yet. But not . . . never. Either. Not never either.”
She was rambling but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because she’d just bestowed upon him everything he could ever want or need. Just the hope that he could make babies with her one day; that she wasn’t completely opposed to it - made him speechless. Weak and wobbly with insane love for her. His eyes filled with tears. “Meredith - Please.” He had touch her. Now.
She tried to smile but couldn’t quite make it. “Put your hands on me Derek.”
He sighed raggedly, closing the distance between them in two large strides to pull her into his embrace, sliding his arms up to frame her face with his hands. “You’re here?”
“I’m here,” she whispered, linking her arms around his neck, fisting his silky hair through her fingers.
“I love you.” He kissed her quickly, warmly. “I love you. I love you. I. Love. You.” Punctuating each word with a kiss, Derek cupped her face, leaned in, ravaged her mouth with his, moaning deep in his throat as his tongue tangled with hers. She tasted and felt and smelled so good and he was so in love with her and wanted her forever he felt mad with it all. The rage of emotions warred within him, the longing, aching missing her sensation giving away to the pure elation of having her here, in his room, in his arms, in his life - forever.
Meredith whimpered, sucking on his lower lip as he finally pulled away. Her eyelids fluttered closed again and she nuzzled her nose in his neck. “I know,” she sighed raggedly, reveling in the feel of his arms around her.
“I’ll never ever leave you, Meredith.”
“I know,” she repeated quietly. “I’ll never ever leave you either.” She pressed a kiss to the stubbly underside of his chin.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he sighed, hugging her fiercely, burying his face in her hair. “Meredith,” he rasped her name softly, “I missed you so much. God.”
Giggling through the sudden ache of more oncoming tears, Meredith raked her nails over his scalp. “It’s only been two days!” She smiled as the moisture fell from her eyes. “But I missed you too.” Brought her face back so they could stare at one another. “You still have to really propose, you know. Doing it naked in bed after mind-blowing sex doesn’t count.”
“You want to come with me to pick out the ring?”
She shook her head, dropping her face to his chest, reveling in the feel of his arms around her. It felt like it had been two years and not two days since they’d last touched. And now, here they were, talking about rings. “No. I want to be surprised.” Then a thought occurred to her and she brought her head back up to gaze at him through narrowed eyes. “But I want it to be bigger than Addison’s.”
He stared at her with amusement. “What?”
“I mean, I don’t want a huge gaudy piece of glass, I want a nice, modest-sized rock. I don’t know ring-speak or whatever. I don’t . . . But it has to be bigger than the one you gave Addison - because that diamond wasn’t too big.” She was rambling again and bit her lip to stem the flow of completely asinine, shallow comments tripping out of her mouth.
“You sure you don’t want to pick it?”
“I want you to pick it,” Meredith insisted. “It means a lot to me that you choose my ring, Derek.” She grinned. “And I’m going to choose yours.”
“I’ll do whatever you want as long as you say yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “You know I’m going to say yes!” The banter. He could handle a lifetime of bantering with her. He’d relish it. “I kind of already did. It’s just not official yet. Well, its official, just not official-official.”
Two days without her nervous rambling had been a lifetime too long. “Thank you,” he whispered into her ear.
“For what?”
“Coming here. Saying yes . . . I just - I don’t want to live without you, Meredith.” The realization he didn’t have to was something he’d still need to get used to. He’d wanted it for so long and now that he had the opportunity before him, staring him in the face, he didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, how to neatly compose all of his ecstatic emotions into something that didn’t bubble out of control. He was never in control when it came to Meredith. That was part of why he was so delirious with love for her. She was so feisty and unpredictable; she kept him on his toes, reminded him not to take life or himself too seriously. He craved her.
“You don’t have to.” Her eyes sparkled brilliantly as she gazed at him and he was struck again by how much he loved her. Mine, his brain screamed as he stared at her. Mine now. For good.
“Do you realize how good our life together could be?”
She smiled happily. “Yeah.”
“You’re sure you want marry me?” He just had to ask. Again. To reassure himself.
Her smile softened as she gazed into his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep when you were gone.” Her voice trailed off. “And it was only two days! I thought, you know, I can’t go two days without this man spooning me, there’s no way I can live the rest of my life like this.” She laced her fingers through his, her voice softening. “I’m sure, Derek.”
“You’re sure,” Derek repeated, grinning.
“You can’t live without me either,” she said it as a statement, a fact, not a question.
“I’d die without you,” he whispered without a beat, his cerulean eyes darkening to navy as they flit across her face.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yeah, you do. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve a family. I’m gonna give all of that to you.” And she was actually going to let him. His cup runneth over.
“You already have,” Meredith whispered. “I just wanted to run from it like the emotionally-retarded imbecile that I am-”
“Hey, stop insulting my fiancée,” he winked as he leaned down to kiss her quickly. Mine, he thought again. All mine.
Meredith’s eyes widened and she smiled brilliantly. “Fiancée.”
“Yup.”
Slinking her arms around his neck to lean her body into his, Meredith nuzzled her nose against his. “Make love to me.” She kissed his lips quickly. “Fiance.”
Derek moaned as he tilted his head to deepen the contact. “Mmm. I’d love to.”
Meredith pulled back, pouting as her arms dropped to her sides. “Why do I sense a ‘but’?”
“I’m supposed to meet Mom, Nancy and Kay for dinner.”
Her mouth opened in the shape of a small O. “Tonight? Here?”
Derek nodded, sliding his hands into his pockets. If he touched her, they’d be naked and he’d be buried within her in a minute flat. And there was no way if he got her naked on that bed they would be leaving it anytime tonight. It was best, for now, that he remember the other women in his life and keep his hands off of Meredith.
“That’s who you were supposed to call after you showered?”
He nodded again, pursing his lips. “Yup.”
Derek watched her face as she appeared to be thinking something over and then, “Okay!”
His eyes narrowed. “Okay what?”
Meredith smiled. “Okay, let’s get in the shower and then call your mom so we can meet for dinner.”
“You want to come with us?”
“Yeah.” He knew that she would panic about it later. “I mean, we’re going to be family now. For real.” She definitely would panic about it later. But he loved her for suggesting it. “Besides, I didn’t come all this way for you to leave me in the room.”
“I love you and I’m not letting you out of my sight,” he sighed, pulling his arms from his pockets to slide them around her waist and drag her into his body for a kiss. “And I will make love to you.” His mom and sisters could wait out a long shower, couldn’t they?
Well, they’d have to.
“In the shower?” Meredith’s eyes perked up at that.
He nodded. “Yeah,”
She gasped. “Bendy thing?”
“Bendy thing.” He didn’t bother to tell her that he loved the bendy thing almost as much as she did.
“A lifetime of the bendy thing? I definitely will marry you, Derek Shepherd, ” Squealing, she turned on her heel to rush into the bathroom.
Following closely behind, stripping down to join her in the shower, he pinned her against the wall and kissed her senseless. He loved having sex with her more than almost anything but kissing her . . . kissing her was something else. Pulling back to stare into her eyes, the sound and heat and steam of the shower surrounding them, one thought echoed through his mind, reverberating through his soul:
Mine.
Finally.
-------------------------------
So... I'm maybe 95% sure this is the end. But I have a few other things I could write so depending on how the show goes before the strike-atus begins, I might be back for more. Otherwise, thanks to all you fabulous kids who stuck with me through this experiment thing. I really apprciate it!
Pairing: Meredith & Derek
Show: Grey's Anatomy
Timeline: Post 3.22/23 The Other Side of This Life
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Not Me.
Sorry. My Bad. Just... things. Its actually been written for months now. Just - editing. Blech. So... yeah. Enjoy!
Part Seven
Derek was in the middle of his seventh meeting of the day, bone-tired and bored to tears when his phone vibrated against his hip. Glancing down at the display, he saw that the caller was his mother. Latching on to it as a reason to excuse himself, he pushed back from his seat and, clutching his phone in one hand with his briefcase in the other, slithered through the ballroom’s double doors into the hallway outside.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Hey, Der, baby, what are you thinking for dinner?”
He sighed with exhaustion, running a hand down his face. Besides a lunch meeting in the Executive Board Room, he hadn’t eaten all day. “I don’t know. There’s some big dinner tonight with a keynote speaker . . .”
“Well, why don’t you come down to Miami to meet us?”
He headed for the elevator, glancing down at his watch. Quarter after six in the evening. “I’m going to go shower and change and I’ll give you a call.”
“Hurry up, loser, we’re starving!” Nancy shouted in the background.
Derek stepped onto the elevator, pushing the button for the 8th floor, letting out a long, low sigh as the lift began its ascent. “Where do you want to go?”
“Kathleen really wants to try Gloria Estefan’s restaurant; what’d you say it was called, Kay?”
“Larios!” He heard his second oldest sister reply as the elevator dinged and opened on his floor. “It’s Cuban food.”
He slowly made his way down the hall, shifting his phone from his left ear to his right as he reached into his pocket for his room key. “I haven’t even left the hotel since I got here yesterday so anything is great.” Normally he’d prefer something healthier - but if he stayed in tonight, left to his own devices to think of and ache for Meredith, he’d go crazy. He missed her so much he felt sick with it.
“The concierge said the food wasn’t very good but Kay wants to go anyway,” his mother explained.
Rolling his eyes as he slid the key into the lock and sighed gratefully when the red light yielded to green. Derek pushed the door open with his shoulder, releasing another deep breath as he entered his room for the first time all day. “Of course she does,” Derek offered. “You know Kay always has to form her own opinions.”
Derek kicked off his shoes, aiming them for the closet, and dropped his briefcase by the door as he leaned against it to force it closed. He exhaled deeply, loudly, relieved to be back in his room.
“I raised all my children to form their own opinions,” Elise stated proudly.
“You sure did, Mom,” he placated lowly, rubbing his neck. “I’m in my room and going to shower now. I’ll call you in a little bit.”
“Hurry up!” Nancy and Kathleen yelled in unison. He rolled his eyes as he ended the call and dropped his Blackberry on the console table beside the door.
Padding into the bedroom area, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Hi.”
Meredith was standing before him, a small, nervous smile on her face, her arms linked behind her back as she gazed at him with fear radiating from her eyes.
“What - what are you doing here?” Derek blinked; his heart rate accelerated and realization struck - this was not a dream.
She stepped toward him, only once, and worried her lower lip with her teeth. She looked nervous. Scared. Beautiful. So beautiful he ached to touch her. He was never very good at the whole Keep-Hands-Off-Meredith thing. He was drawn to her, inexplicably, and staring at her now only made it all the more clear how desperately he’d missed her.
“I, um . . . I wanted to talk . . . to you.” She looked down at her feet, swallowing audibly.
Derek scoffed in disbelief. “Talk to me? Meredith, have you ever heard of the phone?”
Her back stiffened and she brought her eyes up to his, defiant, defensive. “What I have to say I didn’t want to do over the phone.”
He fought to keep his face blank, unreadable. He agonized to touch her but something - fear? - held him back. “What do you have to say?” He didn’t want to look at her. He couldn’t. If he looked into her eyes, he was afraid . . . The power she had over him was captivating.
She licked her lips nervously, bringing her hands around to the front to wring them nervously. “I . . . I didn’t have a speech prepared.” Derek watched, almost amused, as the thoughts raced over her face. He could read them like a book. Crap. Shit. I should have had a speech prepared!
And the longer Derek watched, the more something about her body language and that expression on her face piqued his interest, gave him hope. Tilting his head to the side, he finally regarded Meredith without the fear that looking directly in her eyes would kill him. Stepping closer, he reached for her face. “I can’t believe you’re here.” His voice sounded distant, foreign to his own ears.
“Neither can I,” Meredith whispered, staring at him unblinkingly. When he would have touched her, brought their bodies together, she shied away, shaking her head. “Don’t. Not yet. Or I’ll never get this out.”
Derek frowned. She couldn’t possibly come all this way and tell him not to touch her. He had to touch her. Or die. “Meredith.” He tried to sound patient and amused even though he was seconds away from begging. He’d missed her so much it hurt to breathe and now she was inches away, in his hotel room, pretty and sweet and Meredith - and she was telling him not to touch her.
She held up a hand to stop him from saying anything more. “No talking. Please.”
Sighing, Derek moved away, walking over to the armchair by the window. He sat down and looked to her for comment.
After several long seconds of her just staring at him wide-eyed and terrified, finally, her mouth began to move and a flurry of words came out. “I wanted to say yes. I - But - I’m scared of marriage, Derek. I’m scared of how it could change us. Change me. Change you. Change everything.”
“I know,” he said simply. He hadn’t expected her to jump right into it. He’d at least thought she’d beat around the bush for a little while longer. But she had come right out and gotten to the heart of the matter. After flying three thousand miles.
Hope.
He felt hope festering in his gut, throbbing, aching so much he wanted to press his hand into his belly to still the pressure. Instead, he stared at his love, transfixed, hung on every word, desperate to hear the ones he’d dreamt of for . . . ever.
Furrowing her lip with her teeth, he watched Meredith force herself to look him in the eye. “But the - the truth is that even thinking about a life without you - that scares me more.”
The hope exploded into joy and he rose to stand once again, taking a step in her direction. “Meredith.”
“Because I love you so much, Derek.” Her eyes were gray today, bright and liquid with unshed tears. Her voice cracked and he watched her roll her eyes and drop her head, stomping her foot in frustration. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” she whispered as the tear slipped from her lid and fell unbidden down her face. “But I don’t want to live without you.” She sucked back a sob. “I can’t.”
He smiled in spite of himself. “I feel the same way about you, Mere.” Here she was, beautiful and brave and crying in front of him, and still, holding her arm out to make sure he did not reach for her.
“I know,” she sighed raggedly, licking the tears that had gathered around her mouth.
“I won’t apologize for it. I won’t apologize for wanting you to be mine.”
“I am yours,” she rasped desperately. Hope, joy, excitement were battling within Derek again and the only way he knew how to handle it, keep it all in control was to touch her. He reached for her again but she shook her head, stepping back.
He groaned. “Mere, come on. You can’t fly three-thousand miles and then tell me not to touch you!” He felt like whining. Wait, he was whining.
She nodded her head rapidly. “Yes I can. Because I don’t think straight when you touch me.”
But she wanted his hands on her too. Derek knew that. He could see it in the way she was looking at him, that look that told him she wanted to touch him. And do lots of things that just involved them touching one another. He told himself to be patient. Just wait a little bit longer. Balling his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms so hard it was a wonder he didn’t break the skin, he regarded her imploringly. “Mere.”
“I want a real proposal,” she rushed on, her shoulders sagging with visible relief at the admission. “I want the speech, the knee, the ring. I want it all, Derek.” She was beaming up at now, so beautiful she took his breath away.
Derek smiled, his blue eyes twinkling. He tried to play it cool. He tried to act like his legs hadn’t just gone weak at Meredith’s incredibly passive-aggressive way of accepting his proposal. “I wasn’t sure you’d want a ring.” He tried to keep it light as the realization she was saying yes threatened to choke and embarrass him by bursting into tears. Because he knew Meredith. He knew she needed to feel like this whole marriage thing was her idea, and on her terms. And because he loved her more than anything in existence, he could and would do just that.
Meredith tilted her head and raised a brow in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I?”
He shrugged. “You never wear rings.”
Her face softened, turned serious as her eyes bore into his. “I’d wear the ring you gave me.”
His heart swelled, a sharp dagger of elation and love dancing in his gut, forcing that sliver of fear further down as he told himself not to hope, not to get too excited. Not yet. But then -
“If we get married,” Meredith continued, riding the wave of confidence now that she saw the way he was looking at her. She had him and she knew it and he knew that she knew it. “If we get married, I want things to be a certain way.”
God - he loved her. He’d do anything as long as she stayed with him. “What way?”
“I’m going to wear your ring. You are going to wear mine.”
It was his turn to tilt his head in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Meredith shrugged. “You didn’t wear one when you were with Addison.” She looked away briefly. “At least not from what I saw.”
Derek cleared his throat, looking away also at the unwelcome mention of his former wife and the reminder of his former life. “I used to,” he said softly. “Before.” He didn’t have to say what he was referring to because he knew that she realized he meant before he caught Mark in bed with Addison.
“Well you don’t have to worry about that this time so you have to wear my ring.” Derek knew, without her having to say so, that it was important to her, as trivial as it might seem, to see that little symbol there, on the third finger of his left hand. It was important for her to know - and for everyone else to know - that he belonged to her.
“I’ll wear your ring, Meredith. That’s not even a question.”
“Good.” It was time to wind this thing down. He would go out of his skin if he didn’t touch her soon. But - “There’s something else.”
“What?” He tried not to whine. He just needed to touch her. Hold her. Kiss her. Make his mind believe once and for all she was real and she was here and she was saying yes - in her own weird, convoluted Meredith Grey way.
“I know you want children someday, Derek.”
His smile faded and he looked down, away, anywhere but at her. Kids. He hadn’t let himself think about kids. Because he knew it wasn’t a deal breaker, not really. He’d rather have Meredith every day for the rest of his life than be a father. But if he could have both? Yeah, if he could have both, life wouldn’t get any better. Completely thrown off guard, he didn’t know what else to say, how else to respond besides “Oh.”
“I can’t . . .” She must have seen his back stiffen because suddenly she was rushing on, stumbling over her words as she said, “Not yet. I’m not quite sold on the whole Meredith-as-Mommy thing.” She hesitated long enough for him to bring his eyes back up to meet hers. He gave nothing of his inward turmoil away and she felt comfortable enough to go on. “But I know you’ll be a great father. And I want to give that to you some day. I want to do that for you. I want to . . . try. To do that. For you. You know, one day. Later. Much later. So, you know, not yet. But not . . . never. Either. Not never either.”
She was rambling but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because she’d just bestowed upon him everything he could ever want or need. Just the hope that he could make babies with her one day; that she wasn’t completely opposed to it - made him speechless. Weak and wobbly with insane love for her. His eyes filled with tears. “Meredith - Please.” He had touch her. Now.
She tried to smile but couldn’t quite make it. “Put your hands on me Derek.”
He sighed raggedly, closing the distance between them in two large strides to pull her into his embrace, sliding his arms up to frame her face with his hands. “You’re here?”
“I’m here,” she whispered, linking her arms around his neck, fisting his silky hair through her fingers.
“I love you.” He kissed her quickly, warmly. “I love you. I love you. I. Love. You.” Punctuating each word with a kiss, Derek cupped her face, leaned in, ravaged her mouth with his, moaning deep in his throat as his tongue tangled with hers. She tasted and felt and smelled so good and he was so in love with her and wanted her forever he felt mad with it all. The rage of emotions warred within him, the longing, aching missing her sensation giving away to the pure elation of having her here, in his room, in his arms, in his life - forever.
Meredith whimpered, sucking on his lower lip as he finally pulled away. Her eyelids fluttered closed again and she nuzzled her nose in his neck. “I know,” she sighed raggedly, reveling in the feel of his arms around her.
“I’ll never ever leave you, Meredith.”
“I know,” she repeated quietly. “I’ll never ever leave you either.” She pressed a kiss to the stubbly underside of his chin.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he sighed, hugging her fiercely, burying his face in her hair. “Meredith,” he rasped her name softly, “I missed you so much. God.”
Giggling through the sudden ache of more oncoming tears, Meredith raked her nails over his scalp. “It’s only been two days!” She smiled as the moisture fell from her eyes. “But I missed you too.” Brought her face back so they could stare at one another. “You still have to really propose, you know. Doing it naked in bed after mind-blowing sex doesn’t count.”
“You want to come with me to pick out the ring?”
She shook her head, dropping her face to his chest, reveling in the feel of his arms around her. It felt like it had been two years and not two days since they’d last touched. And now, here they were, talking about rings. “No. I want to be surprised.” Then a thought occurred to her and she brought her head back up to gaze at him through narrowed eyes. “But I want it to be bigger than Addison’s.”
He stared at her with amusement. “What?”
“I mean, I don’t want a huge gaudy piece of glass, I want a nice, modest-sized rock. I don’t know ring-speak or whatever. I don’t . . . But it has to be bigger than the one you gave Addison - because that diamond wasn’t too big.” She was rambling again and bit her lip to stem the flow of completely asinine, shallow comments tripping out of her mouth.
“You sure you don’t want to pick it?”
“I want you to pick it,” Meredith insisted. “It means a lot to me that you choose my ring, Derek.” She grinned. “And I’m going to choose yours.”
“I’ll do whatever you want as long as you say yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “You know I’m going to say yes!” The banter. He could handle a lifetime of bantering with her. He’d relish it. “I kind of already did. It’s just not official yet. Well, its official, just not official-official.”
Two days without her nervous rambling had been a lifetime too long. “Thank you,” he whispered into her ear.
“For what?”
“Coming here. Saying yes . . . I just - I don’t want to live without you, Meredith.” The realization he didn’t have to was something he’d still need to get used to. He’d wanted it for so long and now that he had the opportunity before him, staring him in the face, he didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, how to neatly compose all of his ecstatic emotions into something that didn’t bubble out of control. He was never in control when it came to Meredith. That was part of why he was so delirious with love for her. She was so feisty and unpredictable; she kept him on his toes, reminded him not to take life or himself too seriously. He craved her.
“You don’t have to.” Her eyes sparkled brilliantly as she gazed at him and he was struck again by how much he loved her. Mine, his brain screamed as he stared at her. Mine now. For good.
“Do you realize how good our life together could be?”
She smiled happily. “Yeah.”
“You’re sure you want marry me?” He just had to ask. Again. To reassure himself.
Her smile softened as she gazed into his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep when you were gone.” Her voice trailed off. “And it was only two days! I thought, you know, I can’t go two days without this man spooning me, there’s no way I can live the rest of my life like this.” She laced her fingers through his, her voice softening. “I’m sure, Derek.”
“You’re sure,” Derek repeated, grinning.
“You can’t live without me either,” she said it as a statement, a fact, not a question.
“I’d die without you,” he whispered without a beat, his cerulean eyes darkening to navy as they flit across her face.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yeah, you do. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve a family. I’m gonna give all of that to you.” And she was actually going to let him. His cup runneth over.
“You already have,” Meredith whispered. “I just wanted to run from it like the emotionally-retarded imbecile that I am-”
“Hey, stop insulting my fiancée,” he winked as he leaned down to kiss her quickly. Mine, he thought again. All mine.
Meredith’s eyes widened and she smiled brilliantly. “Fiancée.”
“Yup.”
Slinking her arms around his neck to lean her body into his, Meredith nuzzled her nose against his. “Make love to me.” She kissed his lips quickly. “Fiance.”
Derek moaned as he tilted his head to deepen the contact. “Mmm. I’d love to.”
Meredith pulled back, pouting as her arms dropped to her sides. “Why do I sense a ‘but’?”
“I’m supposed to meet Mom, Nancy and Kay for dinner.”
Her mouth opened in the shape of a small O. “Tonight? Here?”
Derek nodded, sliding his hands into his pockets. If he touched her, they’d be naked and he’d be buried within her in a minute flat. And there was no way if he got her naked on that bed they would be leaving it anytime tonight. It was best, for now, that he remember the other women in his life and keep his hands off of Meredith.
“That’s who you were supposed to call after you showered?”
He nodded again, pursing his lips. “Yup.”
Derek watched her face as she appeared to be thinking something over and then, “Okay!”
His eyes narrowed. “Okay what?”
Meredith smiled. “Okay, let’s get in the shower and then call your mom so we can meet for dinner.”
“You want to come with us?”
“Yeah.” He knew that she would panic about it later. “I mean, we’re going to be family now. For real.” She definitely would panic about it later. But he loved her for suggesting it. “Besides, I didn’t come all this way for you to leave me in the room.”
“I love you and I’m not letting you out of my sight,” he sighed, pulling his arms from his pockets to slide them around her waist and drag her into his body for a kiss. “And I will make love to you.” His mom and sisters could wait out a long shower, couldn’t they?
Well, they’d have to.
“In the shower?” Meredith’s eyes perked up at that.
He nodded. “Yeah,”
She gasped. “Bendy thing?”
“Bendy thing.” He didn’t bother to tell her that he loved the bendy thing almost as much as she did.
“A lifetime of the bendy thing? I definitely will marry you, Derek Shepherd, ” Squealing, she turned on her heel to rush into the bathroom.
Following closely behind, stripping down to join her in the shower, he pinned her against the wall and kissed her senseless. He loved having sex with her more than almost anything but kissing her . . . kissing her was something else. Pulling back to stare into her eyes, the sound and heat and steam of the shower surrounding them, one thought echoed through his mind, reverberating through his soul:
Mine.
Finally.
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So... I'm maybe 95% sure this is the end. But I have a few other things I could write so depending on how the show goes before the strike-atus begins, I might be back for more. Otherwise, thanks to all you fabulous kids who stuck with me through this experiment thing. I really apprciate it!