You Send Me
Title: You Send Me
Pairing: Meredith & Derek
Show: Grey's Anatomy
Timeline: Post 3.22/23 The Other Side of This Life
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Not Me.
A/N: Even though I hate hate hate hate haaateee with the fire and passion of a thousand suns long, wordy, mostly descriptive chapters w/ little-to-no dialogue (like, hate. Like, my ADD comes out in full force) I saw no other way to write this paricular part. So, you know, if you are like me and tend to space out and get distracted with little-to-no-dialogue chapters, I really, truly do apologize in advance and swear the story will NOT always be like this. ;) And if you love stories like that, well, GOD BLESS YOU and please, no matter what, do keep reading. ;)
Part Six
Somehow, he’d managed to find something resembling sleep around four A.M. and had slept soundly until his wake-up call at nine reminded him that he had an entire day of conferences - meetings, lunches, more meetings, and even a speech that he wasn’t sure he could get out of. He was wholly unprepared, completely uninterested, and thought seriously of just staying in bed and avoiding it all. If it weren’t for the limbo with Meredith, he might actually be looking forward to this event.
Well, that wasn’t true. His week had been stressful enough, starting with Alan’s sudden - but not entirely unexpected - death in the middle of a long, complicated spinal surgery that Derek had hoped and prayed would give his patient the ability to walk for the first time in his entire life.
Of course, that wasn’t meant to be and Alan had gone into cardiac arrest on the table. Five straight minutes of shocking and chest-beating hadn’t done a thing. And he’d had to go out into the waiting room and tell Catherine. It had been . . . hard. It had been beyond hard. It was days such as that one that made Derek, even if only for one second, one fleeting second, rethink his career choice. Sometimes, he really hated having a God Complex. It made losing patients - especially the ones he personally liked and admired - infinitely more difficult. The desire to operate, to save lives, to make a difference, almost felt foolish to him when it became so clear that it was impossible to save everyone.
Which he knew, which he had always known.
But that didn’t make things easier.
Meredith did.
He recalled Thanksgiving last year, when they’d all gathered at Meredith’s - the two of them, Alex, Izzie, George, Cristina, Burke, the Chief, Bailey and her family, even Mark - and he’d had surgery all day, a long twelve-hour procedure. He’d left the hospital wanting nothing more than some turkey, some wine and some Meredith. He’d ached for her, absolutely ached deep into his marrow, and the second he’d walked through the door and saw her in the dining room, setting the table, his heart had stopped.
I. Love. Her. He’d said it to himself as he stood in the doorway watching her, tuning out the sound of everyone else who was obviously gathered in the kitchen, and stared, amazed, awed, floored with the shocking thrill of love and excitement that had snaked down his gut at the sight of her.
She had looked up, sensing someone’s eyes on her, and froze, smiling when she saw him in the doorway watching her. “Hey,” she murmured cheerfully, dropping the linen napkin she had been yielding to move around the table to greet him.
“Hey,” he murmured, dropping his briefcase beside him, freeing his arms so he could pull her into his embrace and kiss her hello.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Meredith murmured as she slid her arms around his neck and pecked his lips quickly. “You’re home.”
His throat thickened, his chest aching as he looked down into her multi-colored eyes and saw every single thing that mattered most to him looking back. “Yeah.”
“How was your surgery?”
He sighed, dropping down to rub his face in her neck, inhale her lavender scent, run a hand through her hair. “Bad.”
One of her tiny, ineffectual fists were open, her fingers raking over his hair, while her other hand soothingly moved down the center of his back. “How was your day?”
“Bad,” he repeated, puckering his lips to rub another kiss along the spot where her neck ands shoulder met.
“You hungry?”
He nodded slowly, tightening his arms around her. “Yeah.”
“Want to help me set the table? We have a lot of company.”
He wasn’t really up for company but as long as Meredith was there, he knew he’d be okay. Bringing his head up, he took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, finally becoming aware of how incredible it smelled in the house. “Sure.”
She saw the exhaustion plain as day in his eyes and frowned. “We’ll just eat really quick and go upstairs after, okay?”
He hesitated, knowing how badly she wanted to hang out with her friends and enjoy the holiday. But then he remembered this was Meredith and she never would have offered if she didn’t want it. Not to mention she’d been with her friends all day. She could obviously see how much he needed her and had no qualms about being there for him, loving him, wanting him.
When Derek thought about a lifetime of coming home to Meredith, her smiling and warm and cuddly, every day, whether he was in a good mood and up for company or not, he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything. He needed her more than he’d ever needed anyone. All that he wanted and needed was for her to want and need the same.
Knowing - and hating - that there was nothing he could do about it, he showered and dressed slowly, almost methodically, gathered everything he had with him that had to do with his whole neurosurgeon bit and glumly made his way down to the lobby.
No need worrying about Meredith now. He had a job to do.
~
It had been infinitely more complicated getting to South Florida than Meredith had anticipated - not a single direct flight from Seattle to Fort Lauderdale. So she’d have to fly to Miami and travel the half hour north to Fort Lauderdale from there. The ticket cost a ridiculous amount of money, mainly because she had to buy it last minute at the ticket counter, and she knew she’d be in the air for hours, flying to a destination and a fate she wasn’t quite sure about just yet. She knew Derek was worth it. But she couldn’t help but marvel at how stupid this all was, flying to see him when he’d be home in two days anyway. She was terrified. Absolutely petrified. But she had to do this. Even if she wouldn’t get off of the plane until nearly five o’clock in the afternoon - that didn’t matter. None of it did.
Convincing the Chief that she needed even more time off had been tricky, to say the least, and she’d have to do serious grunt work once she returned. But as she’d assured the Chief, she’d rather do a thousand rectal exams than live one more day with things in limbo with Derek. She had to make things right. She had to grow up, like Cristina said, and go after what and whom she wanted. And what and whom she wanted were one in the same - Derek, and a life with him.
Sitting on the plane - first class, because, go figure, it was the only seat available last minute - Meredith wished she had invested in one of those iPod things. Derek loved his. He listened to his all the time. Usually The Clash, or The Beatles. Sometimes the Dead or the Stones. The Temptations. Earth, Wind & Fire. Lionel Richie and John Cougar Mellencamp. She remembered a time when he’d had it plugged into the little stereo system in his trailer and The Supremes’ “Stop! In The Name of Love” had come on, blaring loudly and proudly through the speakers. He had blushed profusely, hemming and hawing while she laughed and teased him mercilessly. Not that she had a problem with Diana and her crew - but Derek “I’m a Big Deal Neurosurgeon” Shepherd? The Supremes? “Stop! In the Name of Love?” Seriously?
He claimed it invoked great childhood memories of him growing up - his sisters loved to dance to it and even, since he was the third child after Nancy and Kathleen, dressed him up to dance with them a few times. Meredith had recalled one picture in particular that Elise had shown her over Christmas - a childhood Derek, no more than six or seven, dressed up in what appeared to be one of his big sisters’ long nightgowns and one of his mother’s wigs - holding a hairbrush to his mouth, hamming it up for the camera. She had laughed until she’d cried at that shot, everything from his striking blue eyes to his curly dark hair peeking beneath the wig had been just. The. Same. as the grown man she’d grown to love more than breathing. The night Diana & Co. had graced them with her musical presence; Meredith had finally put two and two together.
“Were you singing along to The Supremes in that picture your mother showed me?”
Blushing relentlessly, he had grabbed her and tried to kiss her silent. But she had refused, tilted her head aside, laughing so hard there was no way she could be romantic at the moment. Eventually he had gotten over himself and they had had a good laugh together and he had finally admitted that yes, that was the picture and yes, this was the song and no, he was not ashamed.
Meredith hoped there would be more moments like that. Moments like that told her she and Derek could have a great life together. She knew that she had been focusing entirely too much on all the negative aspects of their relationship, their history - just commitment in general ever since Derek had proposed. Which was ridiculous because the months preceding that moment in bed, she had been so blissfully happy and not once had marriage even crossed her mind.
Why, she did not know.
Derek was always there for her. He’d always offered her a shoulder to lean, cry, beat on whenever she’d needed him. He’d make her talk when he thought she needed it or he’d stay with her in silence if he thought she needed that instead. Somehow, he always seemed to know whatever it was she needed, even when she didn’t know it herself.
Meredith recalled the night not terribly long ago when her mother had still been alive and lucid for those few days. The night Ellis had reverted back to her Alzheimer’s mentality had been one of the most stressing and soul-crushing days of Meredith’s life - and she’d had a lot. She’d left the hospital without looking back, dragging herself over to Joe’s where George & Callie were celebrating their marriage, got her drink, took a seat at a table near the door. She sent a text to Derek telling him to meet her once he was all done and sat alone, half-heartedly swilling the alcohol, anxiously waiting for him, afraid he wouldn’t show, terrified her mother had gotten to him.
But he’d shown up. Looking tired and beat and downright exhausted. But he lit up when he saw her and the way he kissed her told her everything she needed to know. He still loved her, even if her mother had gotten to him. And his small admission about how terrible her childhood had been, while blunt, pleased her because she knew he finally got it - got her. And still his eyes twinkled and his throat vibrated with a moan when he leaned in and kissed her. He sat and ordered a drink, glancing at it with disinterest as they lapsed into silence. Again, like he knew exactly what she needed, he smiled warmly, the skin crinkling around his eyes, and she stared, transfixed, in love so much it made her sick. Finally, he’d leaned in, nuzzled her ear, murmured, “Wanna go home?”
She’d smiled, nodded, grateful, loving him even more for understanding. They said their congratulations and goodbyes to George and Callie and the rest and walked out hand-in-hand. When they arrived at her house, he’d taken her by the hand, led her upstairs, closed and locked her bedroom door behind them. They’d climbed into bed together and he’d spooned her, held her tight, stroked her hair, murmured sweet words in her ear, and didn’t judge her one bit when she broke down and cried in his arms. He just continued to hold her; so tight and close to her she didn’t know where she ended and he began. Somehow, eventually, it hadn’t been enough, as she’d woken up in the morning with the memory of her mother’s most recent rejection ringing in her ears and not even Derek’s gorgeous face on the pillow beside her could lift that despair.
But somehow, eventually, she’d moved beyond that. She had died - her mother had died - and she’d learned . . . again, somehow . . . to get better. She still had some work to do. And going to Derek to tell him she would accept his proposal was only the beginning.
Marriage was the logical next step, right? That’s what people who loved one another as much as she and Derek loved one another did. They got engaged and they got married. Had kids. Lived happily ever after. Right?
Wrong.
Everyone she knew who had been married was unhappy. Even Cristina, though she would never admit it, had to be, at the very least, questioning her decision to marry a man when they clearly wanted very different things. Cristina would never want to be a mother. Meredith used to understand that one hundred percent. She used to be that.
But then she met Derek and he’d single-handedly changed everything. Made her realize she wasn’t as cold and cynical as she wanted to believe - and isn’t that part of why she loves and admires Cristina so much? Because she can so completely be what Meredith absolutely cannot? She and Derek got together and got over all these obstacles trying to keep them apart and somehow, some way, she became some sort of a romantic. And while she knew she had never planned on having children, Derek Shepherd was one man who she’d give babies to.
Well, maybe.
But that’s what he’d done for her. Shaken everything up, made her rethink every single one of her beliefs and values. He’d made her tear down just about every one of her walls, made her give up on all of those crutches she’d been leaning on, made her throw away every single excuse she’d used, wanted to use or needed to use to protect herself and get by.
Going home to New York with him for Christmas had been a huge wall she’d torn down. She did not do families. She barely spoke to or saw her father, who had basically disowned her all over again following Susan’s death. Occasionally she saw one or both of her half-sisters around town but never had they spoken, gotten together, pretended to be anything more than people who shared fifty-percent DNA but had never truly met. Her friends were her family - the first family she’d ever had that actually had her back, accepted her for who she was, made her feel good and proud and not apologetic for being who she was. Well, most of the time.
Except for these last two days, when she’d been such an emotionally retarded, immature freak it was literally a wonder to her why Derek loved her at all.
She’d have to ask him that, when she saw him, if she ever did see him. She wanted to lay it all on the line. She wanted to marry him.
But would he still want to marry her?
She told herself that there was no way he would go from wanting to marry her to not wanting to marry her in two days. But she had behaved badly, immaturely, pathetically.
Maybe he would be done with her. Maybe he had met another woman at a bar and had gone home with her like he had with her the night they’d first met. Perhaps he didn’t love her as much as he claimed.
Meredith thought herself in circles, unable to sit still the entire flight, unable to rest, unable to calm down. The anxiety moved through her in waves. At times she felt nauseous, others her stomach clenched so tightly she couldn’t move for fear she’d come apart at the seams.
Stress.
Fear.
It all liquefied within her, boiling to the point of bursting. She’d done this so hastily, hadn’t even remotely thought it out. She hadn’t even packed a bag, not really. She’d grabbed the first thing she touched in her closet, threw it into an overnight bag with a clean pair of panties and her reliable Dartmouth T-shirt. That was it. Nothing more, nothing else. No toiletries. No extra pairs of shoes. She’d literally put all her eggs in one basket. It was an amazement that she’d remembered her wallet, she had been in such a frantic, frenetic rush to get to Florida, get to Derek, tell him everything he needed to hear before she chickened out, closed up, turned nothing into something like she usually did.
She wanted to be better. She wanted to be stronger. She didn’t want to be afraid anymore. And she wanted Derek. God, she wanted him so much. Deep inside, if she was truly honest with herself, she would admit that she’d give him anything he wanted if it meant he would love her and look at her like he always did and never leave her like everyone else inevitably always did.
She refused to even entertain the thought, what it would mean for her life, for her heart, for her mind, if he rejected her again. But she had rejected him, hadn’t she? Maybe she deserved the same, in kind.
Meredith was so scatterbrained, so unprepared, so nerve-wracked, it wasn’t until her plane finally landed in Miami around five in the afternoon that she realized she had no idea where the hell Derek was staying.
Inwardly screaming, cursing and murdering herself, she sought out an information desk, her heart pounding so loudly she felt it in her ears, desperate, anxious, eager to see him, touch him, tell him everything.
“Hello, Ma’am, welcome to South Florida, how may I assist you?” A bright, beaming blonde with piercing blue eyes and an uncharacteristically Southern drawl greeted her warmly.
Any other time, Meredith would appreciate this woman’s charm. Right now, she just needed to know where Derek was. And while she could call him and ask him herself, that would entail him knowing she was coming and, well, she couldn’t take away her element of surprise. “Hi, um, I was just wondering if you could just give me a list of hotels in Fort Lauderdale?”
“Well, I can certainly do that, ma’am.” Whipping out a large, colorful map of the area so fast Meredith didn’t have time to blink, the blonde laid it flat against the counter, circling an area labeled DOWNTOWN FORT LAUDERDALE. “This here is where some of the most popular hotels are, but if you want some of the resorts-”
“No, no, downtown is good.” Meredith rushed, grabbing the map before her guide could continue. “I can work it from here. Thank you!”
Sighing with relief, Meredith moved over to a sitting area, peering down at the map as she took a seat along the window. Gazing out over the runway, waiting areas, watching people moving to and fro in the desire to get to their destinations, she felt so small, so insignificant, so alone. She ached for Derek so much in that moment tears sprang to her eyes. Reaching into her tote bag for her phone, she quickly dialed 411.
“This is Verizon Wireless 411 Connect,” droned the automated female voice before “City and State, please?”
Ah, yes. A human being!
“Fort Lauderdale, Florida.”
“How may I help you in Fort Lauderdale?”
Meredith’s eyes quickly scanned the map of hotels in downtown. “The Hyatt Regency.”
“I have the Hyatt Regency on S.E. 17th Street. Thank you, have a good day.”
“Thank-” Meredith frowned as she was disconnected from the operator and the automated voice took over - “The number is . . .” She wrote frantically, copying down the number even though she was connected automatically.
Eight hotels later, Meredith was ready to give in and call Derek. She feared she would never find him this way and she’d have to blow her cover to get it done. But one last hotel in the area caught her eye. Dialing 411 for the ninth time, she asked for The Westin.
Tapping her fingers impatiently against her knee, she waited while she was connected and the phone rang. Finally, “Westin Fort Lauderdale, how may I direct your call?”
“Hi, can you connect me to Derek Shepherd’s room?”
“Shepherd?”
“That’s right. S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D.” Her foot was tapping now impatiently as well.
Suddenly the phone was ringing in her ear, confusing her, throwing her off for a moment before her mind screamed, Jackpot!
She ended the call, exited the airport and hailed a cab, pointing them north in the direction of Fort Lauderdale, and sat anxiously, nervously, fidgety in the backseat as the driver steered them into traffic on Interstate 95.
Her phone rang then and Meredith glanced down, reaching into her bag to pull it out. The specific chime told her it was Izzie. “Hello?” she said.
“Hey, where are you?” Izzie asked, sounding worried.
“Umm . . . I’m in Florida.”
“What?” From the tone in her house mates voice, she knew Izzie had not spoken to Cristina. “When did that happen?!” Meredith could hear her whispering to someone, “She’s in Florida!”
“Earlier today. I’m going to see Derek.” Izzie didn’t know he had proposed. Meredith hadn’t even seen her since that day she had found out about her and Alex.
“Oh. Okay . . . Well, when will you be home?”
“I don’t know yet. Monday?” Hopefully it would be Monday with Derek when he would be going home and not before, with her tail between her legs.
“Oh. Quick trip, huh?”
“Yeah. Uh, listen, I gotta go, Izzie. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Sure thing. Have fun, Mere.”
She’d love to have fun. She hoped to have fun. She’d love to spend the rest of the evening in bed, making love to Derek, proving to him she did love him and she did want him and she would marry him. But she was Meredith Grey and it was virtually impossible for her to think positively for long.
Groaning loudly, sick of over-thinking as always and desperate to just do, she shifted in her seat, glancing up at the meter to see she already owed thirty-five dollars. Gazing out the window, noticing they were suddenly no longer on the highway but driving through what appeared to be downtown Fort Lauderdale, she gasped. “We’re almost there.” Crap! We’re almost there!
The driver nodded, pointing to a large glass structure with a round front bolstered by the words THE WESTIN HOTEL in huge letters. Grinning widely, Meredith felt her heart racing as her palms began to sweat. Suddenly so anxious to get out and get this all over with, terrified by what she would find once she got to Derek’s room, she quickly paid the driver and launched herself out of the cab, rushing faster than her legs could carry her into the lobby.
Immediately she saw a sign announcing the convention for the American Association of Neurological Surgeons was being held all weekend in the Florida Ballroom as well as various smaller locations throughout the hotel and nearby convention center. Looking around nervously, terrified Derek was sitting in one of the linen chairs in the lobby, or maybe at the nearby bar, watching her, Meredith was grateful when she realized the lobby was relatively empty and her boyfriend was nowhere in sight. Shaking the fear off, she moved toward the front desk, already with a plan in mind, confidence growing by the second.
“Welcome to the Westin, Fort Lauderdale. Checking in?”
“Actually, um, my husband is already here and I just came in to surprise him. I was hoping you could sneak me a key to his room? Derek Shepherd?” Channeling her childhood growing up in Massachusetts, Meredith tried a Boston accent on for size.
The kind-looking gentleman narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “I’m really not supposed to do that ma’am-”
“Oh, please!” Meredith put on her best pleading expression, fluttering her eyelashes with a charming smile. “It’s our anniversary and he got stuck coming to this stupid convention. He thinks I’m at home with the kids. I just want to surprise him, is all.” She pouted her lips just a bit more when she saw Jared - according to his name tag - continue to hesitate. “You can relate to keeping the spark alive after four kids, can’t you, Jared?”
Inwardly, she cringed at the thought of she and Derek with four kids. Maybe she could wrap her mind around one - two at most. But she’d spay and neuter she and Derek before they’d have four. None of that would matter, though, having any kids with Derek, if she couldn’t get up to his room sight-unseen.
If he was in there now, he’d be in for a treat when she let herself in. If he wasn’t in his room now, well, he’d be in for a treat whenever he got back. And he would get back - eventually.
Something she said or did must have worked, however, because Jared finally relented, his shoulders relaxing with a sigh as he grinned and looked down at his computer. “Alright, ma’am, just for you, I’ll make an exception. You seem like a real nice lady.” He quickly whipped up an electronic card-key for her, tucked it into a little Westin-designed pocket with the word Shepherd and the number 8002 scrawled beneath.
“That’s eighth floor, room 8002, take a left off the elevator and go all the way to the end of the hall. Elevators are over there,” Jared pointed to his right as he handed the key off to Meredith.
“Thank you so much!” Meredith grinned, leaning across the counter to pull Jared by his tie and kiss his lips quickly. He blushed as he pulled away, quickly looking around to make sure no one else had seen. “You have single-handled saved my relationshi - er, marriage! Jimmy, Johnny, Timmy and Tommy all thank you!”
And with that, she was off, bounding now toward the elevator, both saying a silent prayer she could make it all the way to Derek’s room without running into him beforehand and therefore ruining the surprise and inwardly laughing at the apparent names of their four sons. It pleased her, thinking of she and Derek with a life together, a family, even if it was all a lie to get to his hotel room. Her fear had given way to excitement now, so much excitement she could barely stand it. She was so proud of herself, so enthralled with the realization that she finally knew what she wanted and was going to go after it. She didn’t even feel tired, despite the fact that she’d been up pretty much for twenty-four hours straight and hadn’t eaten a thing. None of that mattered now.
Except Derek.
She hummed to herself happily as she rode the elevator to the 8th floor. As the doors dinged and opened, she stepped out into the hall, gazing left and right to assure herself she was alone. Sidling up to the little console table and mirror opposite the lift doors, she regarded herself critically.
Major dark circles under the eyes. She was pale. Her hair limp and loose around her shoulders. But the eyes themselves - huge, bright, vibrant, nearly bouncing with joy. And her lips were pulled taut into a brilliant smile. She felt good. She felt strong. She felt proud. Even if she looked precisely like she had been on a plane all day and spent the better half of the day before that attached to the bottle, she felt okay. Better than okay. Cool. Confident. Ready to tackle McDreamy.
Running her fingers through and over her hair, cupping her hands underneath the ends to slightly fluff it up, she bent over, shook her strands loose, whipped her head back up and shook her head around. Inspected herself in the mirror again.
Now she just looked ridiculous.
Shaking it off, Meredith smirked, grabbed her bags and headed down the hall toward Room 8002. Standing before it, she licked her lips, closed her eyes, gave herself a quick little pep-talk and pulled the key from its little envelope pocket, sliding it into the lock. When the red light turned green, Meredith exhaled a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding and pushed the door open, walking slowly, assuredly into the room.
It was quiet - no TV, no faucets running, no people talking, no sheets rustling. Just the low hum of an air-conditioner - a chronic, year-round necessity in the stifling South Florida heat. As Meredith quietly shut the door, she gazed over the closet directly in front of her, its mirrored doors pulled slightly ajar, the sight of Derek’s suitcase resting on the luggage stand inside, beneath several neatly hanging suit jackets and pants. She couldn’t remember the last time Derek had worn a suit jacket and tie. She quietly padded over to the closet, pulling the door back far enough to stick her bags inside and then close it back.
Moving to the left of the closet, out of the entryway, she entered the bedroom area - still no sign of Derek. She had a clear view into the bathroom and could tell he wasn’t hiding in there either. Sighing, she whirled around, taking in the large raspberry colored curtains and the huge, white comforter on the king sized bed.
Obviously, Derek was not in the room.
That meant more over-thinking, more nerves, more anxiety. More waiting.
Sitting down on the foot of the bed, Meredith stared glumly at the blank, black television screen, sticking her tongue out at her slumped reflection. Curling up into a ball, she let out a long, deep breath, marveling over how comfortable the bedding was, making a mental note to ask the concierge about it.
Meredith resigned herself to waiting and, tucking her hand beneath her head, closed her eyes, promptly falling asleep.
The little ditty about Meredith & Derek at Joe's after Ellis was lucid came from both the Best Buy S3 DVD deleted scene and from the Emerald City Bar's Blog following that episode which stated:
"Anyways, Derek and Meredith stopped by for a brief moment a little bit ago. They only had one drink each. Said they were both there to show some support for George but had to get home because it had been “one of those days.”
Honestly? Meredith looked a little troubled. I’m sure it had something to do with her mom’s presence at the hospital today. According to Nurse Debbie, Ellis Grey was there the entire day. And, she was lucid. What did Meredith and her mother talk about? From the look on Meredith’s face, it couldn’t have been anything pleasant. The girl looked kinda devastated…" - The Emerald City Bar
Pairing: Meredith & Derek
Show: Grey's Anatomy
Timeline: Post 3.22/23 The Other Side of This Life
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Not Me.
A/N: Even though I hate hate hate hate haaateee with the fire and passion of a thousand suns long, wordy, mostly descriptive chapters w/ little-to-no dialogue (like, hate. Like, my ADD comes out in full force) I saw no other way to write this paricular part. So, you know, if you are like me and tend to space out and get distracted with little-to-no-dialogue chapters, I really, truly do apologize in advance and swear the story will NOT always be like this. ;) And if you love stories like that, well, GOD BLESS YOU and please, no matter what, do keep reading. ;)
Part Six
Somehow, he’d managed to find something resembling sleep around four A.M. and had slept soundly until his wake-up call at nine reminded him that he had an entire day of conferences - meetings, lunches, more meetings, and even a speech that he wasn’t sure he could get out of. He was wholly unprepared, completely uninterested, and thought seriously of just staying in bed and avoiding it all. If it weren’t for the limbo with Meredith, he might actually be looking forward to this event.
Well, that wasn’t true. His week had been stressful enough, starting with Alan’s sudden - but not entirely unexpected - death in the middle of a long, complicated spinal surgery that Derek had hoped and prayed would give his patient the ability to walk for the first time in his entire life.
Of course, that wasn’t meant to be and Alan had gone into cardiac arrest on the table. Five straight minutes of shocking and chest-beating hadn’t done a thing. And he’d had to go out into the waiting room and tell Catherine. It had been . . . hard. It had been beyond hard. It was days such as that one that made Derek, even if only for one second, one fleeting second, rethink his career choice. Sometimes, he really hated having a God Complex. It made losing patients - especially the ones he personally liked and admired - infinitely more difficult. The desire to operate, to save lives, to make a difference, almost felt foolish to him when it became so clear that it was impossible to save everyone.
Which he knew, which he had always known.
But that didn’t make things easier.
Meredith did.
He recalled Thanksgiving last year, when they’d all gathered at Meredith’s - the two of them, Alex, Izzie, George, Cristina, Burke, the Chief, Bailey and her family, even Mark - and he’d had surgery all day, a long twelve-hour procedure. He’d left the hospital wanting nothing more than some turkey, some wine and some Meredith. He’d ached for her, absolutely ached deep into his marrow, and the second he’d walked through the door and saw her in the dining room, setting the table, his heart had stopped.
I. Love. Her. He’d said it to himself as he stood in the doorway watching her, tuning out the sound of everyone else who was obviously gathered in the kitchen, and stared, amazed, awed, floored with the shocking thrill of love and excitement that had snaked down his gut at the sight of her.
She had looked up, sensing someone’s eyes on her, and froze, smiling when she saw him in the doorway watching her. “Hey,” she murmured cheerfully, dropping the linen napkin she had been yielding to move around the table to greet him.
“Hey,” he murmured, dropping his briefcase beside him, freeing his arms so he could pull her into his embrace and kiss her hello.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Meredith murmured as she slid her arms around his neck and pecked his lips quickly. “You’re home.”
His throat thickened, his chest aching as he looked down into her multi-colored eyes and saw every single thing that mattered most to him looking back. “Yeah.”
“How was your surgery?”
He sighed, dropping down to rub his face in her neck, inhale her lavender scent, run a hand through her hair. “Bad.”
One of her tiny, ineffectual fists were open, her fingers raking over his hair, while her other hand soothingly moved down the center of his back. “How was your day?”
“Bad,” he repeated, puckering his lips to rub another kiss along the spot where her neck ands shoulder met.
“You hungry?”
He nodded slowly, tightening his arms around her. “Yeah.”
“Want to help me set the table? We have a lot of company.”
He wasn’t really up for company but as long as Meredith was there, he knew he’d be okay. Bringing his head up, he took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, finally becoming aware of how incredible it smelled in the house. “Sure.”
She saw the exhaustion plain as day in his eyes and frowned. “We’ll just eat really quick and go upstairs after, okay?”
He hesitated, knowing how badly she wanted to hang out with her friends and enjoy the holiday. But then he remembered this was Meredith and she never would have offered if she didn’t want it. Not to mention she’d been with her friends all day. She could obviously see how much he needed her and had no qualms about being there for him, loving him, wanting him.
When Derek thought about a lifetime of coming home to Meredith, her smiling and warm and cuddly, every day, whether he was in a good mood and up for company or not, he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything. He needed her more than he’d ever needed anyone. All that he wanted and needed was for her to want and need the same.
Knowing - and hating - that there was nothing he could do about it, he showered and dressed slowly, almost methodically, gathered everything he had with him that had to do with his whole neurosurgeon bit and glumly made his way down to the lobby.
No need worrying about Meredith now. He had a job to do.
~
It had been infinitely more complicated getting to South Florida than Meredith had anticipated - not a single direct flight from Seattle to Fort Lauderdale. So she’d have to fly to Miami and travel the half hour north to Fort Lauderdale from there. The ticket cost a ridiculous amount of money, mainly because she had to buy it last minute at the ticket counter, and she knew she’d be in the air for hours, flying to a destination and a fate she wasn’t quite sure about just yet. She knew Derek was worth it. But she couldn’t help but marvel at how stupid this all was, flying to see him when he’d be home in two days anyway. She was terrified. Absolutely petrified. But she had to do this. Even if she wouldn’t get off of the plane until nearly five o’clock in the afternoon - that didn’t matter. None of it did.
Convincing the Chief that she needed even more time off had been tricky, to say the least, and she’d have to do serious grunt work once she returned. But as she’d assured the Chief, she’d rather do a thousand rectal exams than live one more day with things in limbo with Derek. She had to make things right. She had to grow up, like Cristina said, and go after what and whom she wanted. And what and whom she wanted were one in the same - Derek, and a life with him.
Sitting on the plane - first class, because, go figure, it was the only seat available last minute - Meredith wished she had invested in one of those iPod things. Derek loved his. He listened to his all the time. Usually The Clash, or The Beatles. Sometimes the Dead or the Stones. The Temptations. Earth, Wind & Fire. Lionel Richie and John Cougar Mellencamp. She remembered a time when he’d had it plugged into the little stereo system in his trailer and The Supremes’ “Stop! In The Name of Love” had come on, blaring loudly and proudly through the speakers. He had blushed profusely, hemming and hawing while she laughed and teased him mercilessly. Not that she had a problem with Diana and her crew - but Derek “I’m a Big Deal Neurosurgeon” Shepherd? The Supremes? “Stop! In the Name of Love?” Seriously?
He claimed it invoked great childhood memories of him growing up - his sisters loved to dance to it and even, since he was the third child after Nancy and Kathleen, dressed him up to dance with them a few times. Meredith had recalled one picture in particular that Elise had shown her over Christmas - a childhood Derek, no more than six or seven, dressed up in what appeared to be one of his big sisters’ long nightgowns and one of his mother’s wigs - holding a hairbrush to his mouth, hamming it up for the camera. She had laughed until she’d cried at that shot, everything from his striking blue eyes to his curly dark hair peeking beneath the wig had been just. The. Same. as the grown man she’d grown to love more than breathing. The night Diana & Co. had graced them with her musical presence; Meredith had finally put two and two together.
“Were you singing along to The Supremes in that picture your mother showed me?”
Blushing relentlessly, he had grabbed her and tried to kiss her silent. But she had refused, tilted her head aside, laughing so hard there was no way she could be romantic at the moment. Eventually he had gotten over himself and they had had a good laugh together and he had finally admitted that yes, that was the picture and yes, this was the song and no, he was not ashamed.
Meredith hoped there would be more moments like that. Moments like that told her she and Derek could have a great life together. She knew that she had been focusing entirely too much on all the negative aspects of their relationship, their history - just commitment in general ever since Derek had proposed. Which was ridiculous because the months preceding that moment in bed, she had been so blissfully happy and not once had marriage even crossed her mind.
Why, she did not know.
Derek was always there for her. He’d always offered her a shoulder to lean, cry, beat on whenever she’d needed him. He’d make her talk when he thought she needed it or he’d stay with her in silence if he thought she needed that instead. Somehow, he always seemed to know whatever it was she needed, even when she didn’t know it herself.
Meredith recalled the night not terribly long ago when her mother had still been alive and lucid for those few days. The night Ellis had reverted back to her Alzheimer’s mentality had been one of the most stressing and soul-crushing days of Meredith’s life - and she’d had a lot. She’d left the hospital without looking back, dragging herself over to Joe’s where George & Callie were celebrating their marriage, got her drink, took a seat at a table near the door. She sent a text to Derek telling him to meet her once he was all done and sat alone, half-heartedly swilling the alcohol, anxiously waiting for him, afraid he wouldn’t show, terrified her mother had gotten to him.
But he’d shown up. Looking tired and beat and downright exhausted. But he lit up when he saw her and the way he kissed her told her everything she needed to know. He still loved her, even if her mother had gotten to him. And his small admission about how terrible her childhood had been, while blunt, pleased her because she knew he finally got it - got her. And still his eyes twinkled and his throat vibrated with a moan when he leaned in and kissed her. He sat and ordered a drink, glancing at it with disinterest as they lapsed into silence. Again, like he knew exactly what she needed, he smiled warmly, the skin crinkling around his eyes, and she stared, transfixed, in love so much it made her sick. Finally, he’d leaned in, nuzzled her ear, murmured, “Wanna go home?”
She’d smiled, nodded, grateful, loving him even more for understanding. They said their congratulations and goodbyes to George and Callie and the rest and walked out hand-in-hand. When they arrived at her house, he’d taken her by the hand, led her upstairs, closed and locked her bedroom door behind them. They’d climbed into bed together and he’d spooned her, held her tight, stroked her hair, murmured sweet words in her ear, and didn’t judge her one bit when she broke down and cried in his arms. He just continued to hold her; so tight and close to her she didn’t know where she ended and he began. Somehow, eventually, it hadn’t been enough, as she’d woken up in the morning with the memory of her mother’s most recent rejection ringing in her ears and not even Derek’s gorgeous face on the pillow beside her could lift that despair.
But somehow, eventually, she’d moved beyond that. She had died - her mother had died - and she’d learned . . . again, somehow . . . to get better. She still had some work to do. And going to Derek to tell him she would accept his proposal was only the beginning.
Marriage was the logical next step, right? That’s what people who loved one another as much as she and Derek loved one another did. They got engaged and they got married. Had kids. Lived happily ever after. Right?
Wrong.
Everyone she knew who had been married was unhappy. Even Cristina, though she would never admit it, had to be, at the very least, questioning her decision to marry a man when they clearly wanted very different things. Cristina would never want to be a mother. Meredith used to understand that one hundred percent. She used to be that.
But then she met Derek and he’d single-handedly changed everything. Made her realize she wasn’t as cold and cynical as she wanted to believe - and isn’t that part of why she loves and admires Cristina so much? Because she can so completely be what Meredith absolutely cannot? She and Derek got together and got over all these obstacles trying to keep them apart and somehow, some way, she became some sort of a romantic. And while she knew she had never planned on having children, Derek Shepherd was one man who she’d give babies to.
Well, maybe.
But that’s what he’d done for her. Shaken everything up, made her rethink every single one of her beliefs and values. He’d made her tear down just about every one of her walls, made her give up on all of those crutches she’d been leaning on, made her throw away every single excuse she’d used, wanted to use or needed to use to protect herself and get by.
Going home to New York with him for Christmas had been a huge wall she’d torn down. She did not do families. She barely spoke to or saw her father, who had basically disowned her all over again following Susan’s death. Occasionally she saw one or both of her half-sisters around town but never had they spoken, gotten together, pretended to be anything more than people who shared fifty-percent DNA but had never truly met. Her friends were her family - the first family she’d ever had that actually had her back, accepted her for who she was, made her feel good and proud and not apologetic for being who she was. Well, most of the time.
Except for these last two days, when she’d been such an emotionally retarded, immature freak it was literally a wonder to her why Derek loved her at all.
She’d have to ask him that, when she saw him, if she ever did see him. She wanted to lay it all on the line. She wanted to marry him.
But would he still want to marry her?
She told herself that there was no way he would go from wanting to marry her to not wanting to marry her in two days. But she had behaved badly, immaturely, pathetically.
Maybe he would be done with her. Maybe he had met another woman at a bar and had gone home with her like he had with her the night they’d first met. Perhaps he didn’t love her as much as he claimed.
Meredith thought herself in circles, unable to sit still the entire flight, unable to rest, unable to calm down. The anxiety moved through her in waves. At times she felt nauseous, others her stomach clenched so tightly she couldn’t move for fear she’d come apart at the seams.
Stress.
Fear.
It all liquefied within her, boiling to the point of bursting. She’d done this so hastily, hadn’t even remotely thought it out. She hadn’t even packed a bag, not really. She’d grabbed the first thing she touched in her closet, threw it into an overnight bag with a clean pair of panties and her reliable Dartmouth T-shirt. That was it. Nothing more, nothing else. No toiletries. No extra pairs of shoes. She’d literally put all her eggs in one basket. It was an amazement that she’d remembered her wallet, she had been in such a frantic, frenetic rush to get to Florida, get to Derek, tell him everything he needed to hear before she chickened out, closed up, turned nothing into something like she usually did.
She wanted to be better. She wanted to be stronger. She didn’t want to be afraid anymore. And she wanted Derek. God, she wanted him so much. Deep inside, if she was truly honest with herself, she would admit that she’d give him anything he wanted if it meant he would love her and look at her like he always did and never leave her like everyone else inevitably always did.
She refused to even entertain the thought, what it would mean for her life, for her heart, for her mind, if he rejected her again. But she had rejected him, hadn’t she? Maybe she deserved the same, in kind.
Meredith was so scatterbrained, so unprepared, so nerve-wracked, it wasn’t until her plane finally landed in Miami around five in the afternoon that she realized she had no idea where the hell Derek was staying.
Inwardly screaming, cursing and murdering herself, she sought out an information desk, her heart pounding so loudly she felt it in her ears, desperate, anxious, eager to see him, touch him, tell him everything.
“Hello, Ma’am, welcome to South Florida, how may I assist you?” A bright, beaming blonde with piercing blue eyes and an uncharacteristically Southern drawl greeted her warmly.
Any other time, Meredith would appreciate this woman’s charm. Right now, she just needed to know where Derek was. And while she could call him and ask him herself, that would entail him knowing she was coming and, well, she couldn’t take away her element of surprise. “Hi, um, I was just wondering if you could just give me a list of hotels in Fort Lauderdale?”
“Well, I can certainly do that, ma’am.” Whipping out a large, colorful map of the area so fast Meredith didn’t have time to blink, the blonde laid it flat against the counter, circling an area labeled DOWNTOWN FORT LAUDERDALE. “This here is where some of the most popular hotels are, but if you want some of the resorts-”
“No, no, downtown is good.” Meredith rushed, grabbing the map before her guide could continue. “I can work it from here. Thank you!”
Sighing with relief, Meredith moved over to a sitting area, peering down at the map as she took a seat along the window. Gazing out over the runway, waiting areas, watching people moving to and fro in the desire to get to their destinations, she felt so small, so insignificant, so alone. She ached for Derek so much in that moment tears sprang to her eyes. Reaching into her tote bag for her phone, she quickly dialed 411.
“This is Verizon Wireless 411 Connect,” droned the automated female voice before “City and State, please?”
Ah, yes. A human being!
“Fort Lauderdale, Florida.”
“How may I help you in Fort Lauderdale?”
Meredith’s eyes quickly scanned the map of hotels in downtown. “The Hyatt Regency.”
“I have the Hyatt Regency on S.E. 17th Street. Thank you, have a good day.”
“Thank-” Meredith frowned as she was disconnected from the operator and the automated voice took over - “The number is . . .” She wrote frantically, copying down the number even though she was connected automatically.
Eight hotels later, Meredith was ready to give in and call Derek. She feared she would never find him this way and she’d have to blow her cover to get it done. But one last hotel in the area caught her eye. Dialing 411 for the ninth time, she asked for The Westin.
Tapping her fingers impatiently against her knee, she waited while she was connected and the phone rang. Finally, “Westin Fort Lauderdale, how may I direct your call?”
“Hi, can you connect me to Derek Shepherd’s room?”
“Shepherd?”
“That’s right. S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D.” Her foot was tapping now impatiently as well.
Suddenly the phone was ringing in her ear, confusing her, throwing her off for a moment before her mind screamed, Jackpot!
She ended the call, exited the airport and hailed a cab, pointing them north in the direction of Fort Lauderdale, and sat anxiously, nervously, fidgety in the backseat as the driver steered them into traffic on Interstate 95.
Her phone rang then and Meredith glanced down, reaching into her bag to pull it out. The specific chime told her it was Izzie. “Hello?” she said.
“Hey, where are you?” Izzie asked, sounding worried.
“Umm . . . I’m in Florida.”
“What?” From the tone in her house mates voice, she knew Izzie had not spoken to Cristina. “When did that happen?!” Meredith could hear her whispering to someone, “She’s in Florida!”
“Earlier today. I’m going to see Derek.” Izzie didn’t know he had proposed. Meredith hadn’t even seen her since that day she had found out about her and Alex.
“Oh. Okay . . . Well, when will you be home?”
“I don’t know yet. Monday?” Hopefully it would be Monday with Derek when he would be going home and not before, with her tail between her legs.
“Oh. Quick trip, huh?”
“Yeah. Uh, listen, I gotta go, Izzie. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Sure thing. Have fun, Mere.”
She’d love to have fun. She hoped to have fun. She’d love to spend the rest of the evening in bed, making love to Derek, proving to him she did love him and she did want him and she would marry him. But she was Meredith Grey and it was virtually impossible for her to think positively for long.
Groaning loudly, sick of over-thinking as always and desperate to just do, she shifted in her seat, glancing up at the meter to see she already owed thirty-five dollars. Gazing out the window, noticing they were suddenly no longer on the highway but driving through what appeared to be downtown Fort Lauderdale, she gasped. “We’re almost there.” Crap! We’re almost there!
The driver nodded, pointing to a large glass structure with a round front bolstered by the words THE WESTIN HOTEL in huge letters. Grinning widely, Meredith felt her heart racing as her palms began to sweat. Suddenly so anxious to get out and get this all over with, terrified by what she would find once she got to Derek’s room, she quickly paid the driver and launched herself out of the cab, rushing faster than her legs could carry her into the lobby.
Immediately she saw a sign announcing the convention for the American Association of Neurological Surgeons was being held all weekend in the Florida Ballroom as well as various smaller locations throughout the hotel and nearby convention center. Looking around nervously, terrified Derek was sitting in one of the linen chairs in the lobby, or maybe at the nearby bar, watching her, Meredith was grateful when she realized the lobby was relatively empty and her boyfriend was nowhere in sight. Shaking the fear off, she moved toward the front desk, already with a plan in mind, confidence growing by the second.
“Welcome to the Westin, Fort Lauderdale. Checking in?”
“Actually, um, my husband is already here and I just came in to surprise him. I was hoping you could sneak me a key to his room? Derek Shepherd?” Channeling her childhood growing up in Massachusetts, Meredith tried a Boston accent on for size.
The kind-looking gentleman narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “I’m really not supposed to do that ma’am-”
“Oh, please!” Meredith put on her best pleading expression, fluttering her eyelashes with a charming smile. “It’s our anniversary and he got stuck coming to this stupid convention. He thinks I’m at home with the kids. I just want to surprise him, is all.” She pouted her lips just a bit more when she saw Jared - according to his name tag - continue to hesitate. “You can relate to keeping the spark alive after four kids, can’t you, Jared?”
Inwardly, she cringed at the thought of she and Derek with four kids. Maybe she could wrap her mind around one - two at most. But she’d spay and neuter she and Derek before they’d have four. None of that would matter, though, having any kids with Derek, if she couldn’t get up to his room sight-unseen.
If he was in there now, he’d be in for a treat when she let herself in. If he wasn’t in his room now, well, he’d be in for a treat whenever he got back. And he would get back - eventually.
Something she said or did must have worked, however, because Jared finally relented, his shoulders relaxing with a sigh as he grinned and looked down at his computer. “Alright, ma’am, just for you, I’ll make an exception. You seem like a real nice lady.” He quickly whipped up an electronic card-key for her, tucked it into a little Westin-designed pocket with the word Shepherd and the number 8002 scrawled beneath.
“That’s eighth floor, room 8002, take a left off the elevator and go all the way to the end of the hall. Elevators are over there,” Jared pointed to his right as he handed the key off to Meredith.
“Thank you so much!” Meredith grinned, leaning across the counter to pull Jared by his tie and kiss his lips quickly. He blushed as he pulled away, quickly looking around to make sure no one else had seen. “You have single-handled saved my relationshi - er, marriage! Jimmy, Johnny, Timmy and Tommy all thank you!”
And with that, she was off, bounding now toward the elevator, both saying a silent prayer she could make it all the way to Derek’s room without running into him beforehand and therefore ruining the surprise and inwardly laughing at the apparent names of their four sons. It pleased her, thinking of she and Derek with a life together, a family, even if it was all a lie to get to his hotel room. Her fear had given way to excitement now, so much excitement she could barely stand it. She was so proud of herself, so enthralled with the realization that she finally knew what she wanted and was going to go after it. She didn’t even feel tired, despite the fact that she’d been up pretty much for twenty-four hours straight and hadn’t eaten a thing. None of that mattered now.
Except Derek.
She hummed to herself happily as she rode the elevator to the 8th floor. As the doors dinged and opened, she stepped out into the hall, gazing left and right to assure herself she was alone. Sidling up to the little console table and mirror opposite the lift doors, she regarded herself critically.
Major dark circles under the eyes. She was pale. Her hair limp and loose around her shoulders. But the eyes themselves - huge, bright, vibrant, nearly bouncing with joy. And her lips were pulled taut into a brilliant smile. She felt good. She felt strong. She felt proud. Even if she looked precisely like she had been on a plane all day and spent the better half of the day before that attached to the bottle, she felt okay. Better than okay. Cool. Confident. Ready to tackle McDreamy.
Running her fingers through and over her hair, cupping her hands underneath the ends to slightly fluff it up, she bent over, shook her strands loose, whipped her head back up and shook her head around. Inspected herself in the mirror again.
Now she just looked ridiculous.
Shaking it off, Meredith smirked, grabbed her bags and headed down the hall toward Room 8002. Standing before it, she licked her lips, closed her eyes, gave herself a quick little pep-talk and pulled the key from its little envelope pocket, sliding it into the lock. When the red light turned green, Meredith exhaled a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding and pushed the door open, walking slowly, assuredly into the room.
It was quiet - no TV, no faucets running, no people talking, no sheets rustling. Just the low hum of an air-conditioner - a chronic, year-round necessity in the stifling South Florida heat. As Meredith quietly shut the door, she gazed over the closet directly in front of her, its mirrored doors pulled slightly ajar, the sight of Derek’s suitcase resting on the luggage stand inside, beneath several neatly hanging suit jackets and pants. She couldn’t remember the last time Derek had worn a suit jacket and tie. She quietly padded over to the closet, pulling the door back far enough to stick her bags inside and then close it back.
Moving to the left of the closet, out of the entryway, she entered the bedroom area - still no sign of Derek. She had a clear view into the bathroom and could tell he wasn’t hiding in there either. Sighing, she whirled around, taking in the large raspberry colored curtains and the huge, white comforter on the king sized bed.
Obviously, Derek was not in the room.
That meant more over-thinking, more nerves, more anxiety. More waiting.
Sitting down on the foot of the bed, Meredith stared glumly at the blank, black television screen, sticking her tongue out at her slumped reflection. Curling up into a ball, she let out a long, deep breath, marveling over how comfortable the bedding was, making a mental note to ask the concierge about it.
Meredith resigned herself to waiting and, tucking her hand beneath her head, closed her eyes, promptly falling asleep.
The little ditty about Meredith & Derek at Joe's after Ellis was lucid came from both the Best Buy S3 DVD deleted scene and from the Emerald City Bar's Blog following that episode which stated:
"Anyways, Derek and Meredith stopped by for a brief moment a little bit ago. They only had one drink each. Said they were both there to show some support for George but had to get home because it had been “one of those days.”
Honestly? Meredith looked a little troubled. I’m sure it had something to do with her mom’s presence at the hospital today. According to Nurse Debbie, Ellis Grey was there the entire day. And, she was lucid. What did Meredith and her mother talk about? From the look on Meredith’s face, it couldn’t have been anything pleasant. The girl looked kinda devastated…" - The Emerald City Bar