Theocracy
“Let everything happen to you -
beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final”
- Rainer Maria Riike
It's been an interesting first few weeks of the year.
1. As usual I've put some points for the year down on paper, and I've gone ahead to start to get them done. If you keep a record of things that need to be done over the years (like me), you realise how these so-called resolutions reflect your inner life. Some of the things I want to get done this year reverse objectives I set for myself in 2011 or 2012. Seeing two completely opposing goals doesn't mean all the effort has gone to waste. It just shows that nothing's perfect and that I'm learning.
2. The cold hard reality of 2014 is dawning, falling like a heavy fog. It's good to dream, but the responsibilities that come my way have wiped off some things I really wanted to do this year - travel, study among them.
But I find something positive to this: at least I know disappointment early, and will not have to suffer second-guessing intentions for the rest of the year.
3. Was it a conversation about goals with my boss that sparked a slender line of discontent? After missing what was the most important event of the company's working year - the past-year's performance meeting - because I ostensibly had to mop up work before I go on reservist, I suddenly realise that, ugh, why am I putting up with shit? I appreciate a lot of things that come with working on a regular job, but an envious, unsatisfied part of me always compares with my peers. And of course I feel bad when I come up short at the end of the month.
Money isn't everything, I was advised. This was excellent advice. Because for two years it helped me live outside of the rat race, content. But recently, because of some puzzling decisions my family made and just a general shift in worldview, the cash has become paramount. It won't solve my problems. But when you don't have enough of something, getting more always seems like a great idea.
My only consolation is that I'm in this for the long run. And that the things I really want, can't be bought.
And as someone who works in public relations, I'll never say that I dislike or am not content with my job. My response will always be several shades more grey than the truth.
4. At the end of the day, I understand that you can only rely on yourself. It doesn't matter if you've ran along, respected and prayed with someone. They ultimately fall short. Maybe I just have high expectations. But solitude is a gift, a generous offering, a talent that only you can master. So screw the team, forget that collaboration. Sit down, write that novel, plan a trip on your own and go running when it's still dark so you don't have to face the complications of failing in front of others. In the forest, I've learnt, it's just me, God and the trees. And on the beach, just me and God's creation. Find a pace you're suitable with. Drift away.
And I will get off Facebook and do something useful.
beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final”
- Rainer Maria Riike
It's been an interesting first few weeks of the year.
1. As usual I've put some points for the year down on paper, and I've gone ahead to start to get them done. If you keep a record of things that need to be done over the years (like me), you realise how these so-called resolutions reflect your inner life. Some of the things I want to get done this year reverse objectives I set for myself in 2011 or 2012. Seeing two completely opposing goals doesn't mean all the effort has gone to waste. It just shows that nothing's perfect and that I'm learning.
2. The cold hard reality of 2014 is dawning, falling like a heavy fog. It's good to dream, but the responsibilities that come my way have wiped off some things I really wanted to do this year - travel, study among them.
But I find something positive to this: at least I know disappointment early, and will not have to suffer second-guessing intentions for the rest of the year.
3. Was it a conversation about goals with my boss that sparked a slender line of discontent? After missing what was the most important event of the company's working year - the past-year's performance meeting - because I ostensibly had to mop up work before I go on reservist, I suddenly realise that, ugh, why am I putting up with shit? I appreciate a lot of things that come with working on a regular job, but an envious, unsatisfied part of me always compares with my peers. And of course I feel bad when I come up short at the end of the month.
Money isn't everything, I was advised. This was excellent advice. Because for two years it helped me live outside of the rat race, content. But recently, because of some puzzling decisions my family made and just a general shift in worldview, the cash has become paramount. It won't solve my problems. But when you don't have enough of something, getting more always seems like a great idea.
My only consolation is that I'm in this for the long run. And that the things I really want, can't be bought.
And as someone who works in public relations, I'll never say that I dislike or am not content with my job. My response will always be several shades more grey than the truth.
4. At the end of the day, I understand that you can only rely on yourself. It doesn't matter if you've ran along, respected and prayed with someone. They ultimately fall short. Maybe I just have high expectations. But solitude is a gift, a generous offering, a talent that only you can master. So screw the team, forget that collaboration. Sit down, write that novel, plan a trip on your own and go running when it's still dark so you don't have to face the complications of failing in front of others. In the forest, I've learnt, it's just me, God and the trees. And on the beach, just me and God's creation. Find a pace you're suitable with. Drift away.
And I will get off Facebook and do something useful.