something different
to belly dancing music i shall write this meek essay, which will attempt to encompass my deepest dilemma.
to move? or not to move??
When i think of having a new shiny place to whole myself up in, painting and playing the violin, my heart races. i daydream about not having to sqaunder in the shit smell of my coop, never really alone and never truly at ease. there will be becca, who makes me uneasy, and there will be other women who i have yet to meet. and truthfully, i don't want to meet them, i don't want to wake up and have breakfast evey morning having to rustle around in that god-forsaken kitchen. thinking of myself in a new place feels suddenly like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Yet moments later, i am suddenly completely thinking in the opposite direction. i don't need to really move out, i'll just lock myself in my room this year. besides, what if moving out makes things harder for me and tony??
but in truth and in this moment...i feel the pull of a new location. i feel the pull of something different, something cleaner , something away from a house that holds the boy i love. the thought of a haven away from it all and not caring about what i might be missing...this thought is good.
so i guess fate will play a major part. will we even be able to find a nice place at a good price? we shall see.
tonight will be filled with wine and lots of estrogen.
yummy.
to move? or not to move??
When i think of having a new shiny place to whole myself up in, painting and playing the violin, my heart races. i daydream about not having to sqaunder in the shit smell of my coop, never really alone and never truly at ease. there will be becca, who makes me uneasy, and there will be other women who i have yet to meet. and truthfully, i don't want to meet them, i don't want to wake up and have breakfast evey morning having to rustle around in that god-forsaken kitchen. thinking of myself in a new place feels suddenly like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Yet moments later, i am suddenly completely thinking in the opposite direction. i don't need to really move out, i'll just lock myself in my room this year. besides, what if moving out makes things harder for me and tony??
but in truth and in this moment...i feel the pull of a new location. i feel the pull of something different, something cleaner , something away from a house that holds the boy i love. the thought of a haven away from it all and not caring about what i might be missing...this thought is good.
so i guess fate will play a major part. will we even be able to find a nice place at a good price? we shall see.
tonight will be filled with wine and lots of estrogen.
yummy.