digestion.
A lot has happened in the past couple of days. I'm not sure, infact, of where some things began and others ended. But I shall try my best to explain.
This has been my first real time alone since i got back from galveston.
The trip to the beach turned out to be the best possible idea. Even though on the way, i kept thinking...i just want to turn around. I just want to see him and get it over with. But the fun maria, larisa and i had was priceless. Seafood, three bottles of wine, cigarettes, sparklers on the beach, and skinny dipping in the hotel's heated pool.
Priceless.
For it helped me to step away from that feeling of dread and depression for a bit. Very good.
As I was driving back to austin, i tried to mentally prepare myself for my encounter. I only succeeded in causing myself to become very nauseous and anxious. I went straigt to my room and tried my best to collect myself. It was about 20 minutes before I heard the knock on my door.
I didn't think. I just opened. And I was enveloped by a strong embrace. He cried. I felt detached. The feeling I had expected wasn't really there. I wasn't crying, I wasn't angry, i was just....tired.
As time went on and I sat in his arms, both of us silent, things began to slowly creep in.
He told me all the things I was positive that he wouldn't.
He said he was so so sorry for hurting me. Said he felt like such a complete and total idiot, that he was miserable without me. That he doesn't want anybody else, ever.
And asked him all the things I needed to, and told him all the things I needed to. And I only went on gut instinct when I kissed him.
And since that moment, we have not been apart.
It has not been anything near happy.
It is more like a meloncholly realization that things will never be as they were before. But perhaps they will evolve to something else, something better.
I am not sure.
There are moments when I am just sad. I know this is normal. There is no way I can just turn off that switch. And he understands this. I cringe to think of an icky moment last night, when sitting on the couch next to him, relatively drunk and satisfied with a lot of other drunken new guilders, and amber brough up some old sexual escapade that happened a year ago at the house that he was involved in. And I've heard it all before, but for some reason...It just got to me. And being drunk and emotional, I just shut down, began a downward spiral. he knew something was wrong, but I pretended not to hear his questions. It wasn't long before I said i had to go to the bathroom, and proceeded to go to my room and put on iron and wine really loud and wrapped myself up on the couch and cried a bit. He came soon after. And I had to explain how I'm not going to be okay right away. And how somethings he talks about, like his trip or his past can make me feel shitty. And he told me how he is still so scared of me, because i'm so young.
And maybe he should be.
Cause sometimes I'm just not sure of anything.
I feel all a-muck.
And I don't think I like it.
I know this entry was sort of hard to follow, but i feel hard pressed for time and thought. I will try and sort this out a little better tomorrow at work.
Sam, I miss you.
This has been my first real time alone since i got back from galveston.
The trip to the beach turned out to be the best possible idea. Even though on the way, i kept thinking...i just want to turn around. I just want to see him and get it over with. But the fun maria, larisa and i had was priceless. Seafood, three bottles of wine, cigarettes, sparklers on the beach, and skinny dipping in the hotel's heated pool.
Priceless.
For it helped me to step away from that feeling of dread and depression for a bit. Very good.
As I was driving back to austin, i tried to mentally prepare myself for my encounter. I only succeeded in causing myself to become very nauseous and anxious. I went straigt to my room and tried my best to collect myself. It was about 20 minutes before I heard the knock on my door.
I didn't think. I just opened. And I was enveloped by a strong embrace. He cried. I felt detached. The feeling I had expected wasn't really there. I wasn't crying, I wasn't angry, i was just....tired.
As time went on and I sat in his arms, both of us silent, things began to slowly creep in.
He told me all the things I was positive that he wouldn't.
He said he was so so sorry for hurting me. Said he felt like such a complete and total idiot, that he was miserable without me. That he doesn't want anybody else, ever.
And asked him all the things I needed to, and told him all the things I needed to. And I only went on gut instinct when I kissed him.
And since that moment, we have not been apart.
It has not been anything near happy.
It is more like a meloncholly realization that things will never be as they were before. But perhaps they will evolve to something else, something better.
I am not sure.
There are moments when I am just sad. I know this is normal. There is no way I can just turn off that switch. And he understands this. I cringe to think of an icky moment last night, when sitting on the couch next to him, relatively drunk and satisfied with a lot of other drunken new guilders, and amber brough up some old sexual escapade that happened a year ago at the house that he was involved in. And I've heard it all before, but for some reason...It just got to me. And being drunk and emotional, I just shut down, began a downward spiral. he knew something was wrong, but I pretended not to hear his questions. It wasn't long before I said i had to go to the bathroom, and proceeded to go to my room and put on iron and wine really loud and wrapped myself up on the couch and cried a bit. He came soon after. And I had to explain how I'm not going to be okay right away. And how somethings he talks about, like his trip or his past can make me feel shitty. And he told me how he is still so scared of me, because i'm so young.
And maybe he should be.
Cause sometimes I'm just not sure of anything.
I feel all a-muck.
And I don't think I like it.
I know this entry was sort of hard to follow, but i feel hard pressed for time and thought. I will try and sort this out a little better tomorrow at work.
Sam, I miss you.