Holy hole in a donut and a long entry Batman!
I know that I owe who ever reads this an update.....which I don't think many do. But I feel the need to update anyway. So I went to California the 2nd through th 7th. I had a lot of fun. We didn't do much except stay around the house but I loved it. I got to hang out with my niece and when she was napping I sat outside in the nice warm sun. My niece is officially the cutest baby on the planet. And of course she loves her Aunt. Or at least she always wanted me to hold her cuz I had a cool fish necklace that she liked to play with. It was fun to watch her eat her cake. I had never been to a first birthday party before so it was interesting. I wouldn't mind living out there. Mostly because I want to be close to my brother and his family. Its nice to be there and able to talk to him face to face. I do miss him. And the hills by his house are gorgeous!
Okay so the trip recap didn't take as long as I first thought it would. But there is probably a reason for that. It has been a bit since I got back so my excitment has eased a little. And I have been spending my time in a new way. I met someone and have since formed a friendship. We talk often and have fun when we do. Maybe I should recap some other things in my life before I get all contemplative on you. Bry and I have been talking a little less the last few days. Although I did call him at 4am because I needed to talk about walls. Which brings me to another point. Perhaps my appeal earlier in life was the fact that I had no walls. Or at least not really any. I would give anyone anything within my power. If they asked for the clothes I was wearing and had reasonable need I would give them. I think the only way I wouldn't give something was if the person already had so much of it and their request was blatantly selfish. The problem was that I became like a drug for people. Distressed people were instantly attracted to me and addicted to me because I made them feel good. I let them in because I thought they could provide the friendship and love that I needed too. But they couldn't. I think thats why my first year of college was so crazy. I found things that made me feel good. Sex, drugs and alcohol. It took me a while to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. In fact, I had become the opposite of who I wanted to be. When I tried to change, I didn't do it completely enough or maybe God just decided that one more screw up was enough. And so I am forever scarred by a bad decision and by being around a bad person. I know now when I am shutting some people out. But its hard to tell other times. So the reason for this train of thought is that I actually had someone confront me on having walls lastnight. I mean people have asked me not to push them away before, but they never broke through enough for me to push away very hard. So this was the first time I had someone tell me that they knew I had walls up and that it was okay. Just that blew me away. I didn't realize how much it blew me away until I was talking to Bry. We talked about me even having walls with him. That tripped me out for a bit, until I finally understood something. I always thought I was a freak or something because I could be fine about something one day and the next day it would upset me. The very same thing. It never made sense even to me. Until I consider self defense. Aside from the personal epiphany this doesn't seem very exciting. I know. But, I do want to learn how to let someone in. Even if its just one person, the right one should be able to get past my walls, but I can't just leave it to them. I have to work at allowing them in too. I know that most of what I do is self defense. Someone gets to close, I get scared, I push them away and throw up random walls. Yeah, I think most of us do that at least a little. But so far I don't feel in danger of doing that. I am in dager of caring too much about someone, but that can't be helped. Thats just life. But I know...at least for the most part, where I stand. We are friends. I like that. The only expectation I'm allowing myself is for us to be friends. My hope is to someday be more. But that will be as God wills it. *sigh*
So now that I took most of lastnight and this morning on this little epiphany of mine, I am tired. I was up until close to 3:30 my time talking to people. Sorry for waking you up Bry. You sounded soooooooooo asleep when you answered! It made me feel really bad. I think I woke up both people I talked to lastnight. Maybe that should tell the world that I'm lethal with a phone. No one gets sleep with me and my phone around! lol! yep I'm tired.
On a sadder note, my mom is talking about getting rid of Missy Cat. She is really really really sick again. I feel bad but we can't afford to give her the help she needs and its not fair to her. So we might be getting rid of her. I don't know for sure yet or not. We've been talking about it for awhile. My mom just feels bad doing it. I don't blame her, I feel bad too. Its not like I don't love my cats. But I also feel like its a disservice to her because she is so sick all the time and we can't afford the medicine the doctor says will help. So that has me kinda sad today. I'm a little stressed I guess about it.
So in anycase, I should probably go eat before work. And I have to check rpol. Later Days!
Okay so the trip recap didn't take as long as I first thought it would. But there is probably a reason for that. It has been a bit since I got back so my excitment has eased a little. And I have been spending my time in a new way. I met someone and have since formed a friendship. We talk often and have fun when we do. Maybe I should recap some other things in my life before I get all contemplative on you. Bry and I have been talking a little less the last few days. Although I did call him at 4am because I needed to talk about walls. Which brings me to another point. Perhaps my appeal earlier in life was the fact that I had no walls. Or at least not really any. I would give anyone anything within my power. If they asked for the clothes I was wearing and had reasonable need I would give them. I think the only way I wouldn't give something was if the person already had so much of it and their request was blatantly selfish. The problem was that I became like a drug for people. Distressed people were instantly attracted to me and addicted to me because I made them feel good. I let them in because I thought they could provide the friendship and love that I needed too. But they couldn't. I think thats why my first year of college was so crazy. I found things that made me feel good. Sex, drugs and alcohol. It took me a while to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. In fact, I had become the opposite of who I wanted to be. When I tried to change, I didn't do it completely enough or maybe God just decided that one more screw up was enough. And so I am forever scarred by a bad decision and by being around a bad person. I know now when I am shutting some people out. But its hard to tell other times. So the reason for this train of thought is that I actually had someone confront me on having walls lastnight. I mean people have asked me not to push them away before, but they never broke through enough for me to push away very hard. So this was the first time I had someone tell me that they knew I had walls up and that it was okay. Just that blew me away. I didn't realize how much it blew me away until I was talking to Bry. We talked about me even having walls with him. That tripped me out for a bit, until I finally understood something. I always thought I was a freak or something because I could be fine about something one day and the next day it would upset me. The very same thing. It never made sense even to me. Until I consider self defense. Aside from the personal epiphany this doesn't seem very exciting. I know. But, I do want to learn how to let someone in. Even if its just one person, the right one should be able to get past my walls, but I can't just leave it to them. I have to work at allowing them in too. I know that most of what I do is self defense. Someone gets to close, I get scared, I push them away and throw up random walls. Yeah, I think most of us do that at least a little. But so far I don't feel in danger of doing that. I am in dager of caring too much about someone, but that can't be helped. Thats just life. But I know...at least for the most part, where I stand. We are friends. I like that. The only expectation I'm allowing myself is for us to be friends. My hope is to someday be more. But that will be as God wills it. *sigh*
So now that I took most of lastnight and this morning on this little epiphany of mine, I am tired. I was up until close to 3:30 my time talking to people. Sorry for waking you up Bry. You sounded soooooooooo asleep when you answered! It made me feel really bad. I think I woke up both people I talked to lastnight. Maybe that should tell the world that I'm lethal with a phone. No one gets sleep with me and my phone around! lol! yep I'm tired.
On a sadder note, my mom is talking about getting rid of Missy Cat. She is really really really sick again. I feel bad but we can't afford to give her the help she needs and its not fair to her. So we might be getting rid of her. I don't know for sure yet or not. We've been talking about it for awhile. My mom just feels bad doing it. I don't blame her, I feel bad too. Its not like I don't love my cats. But I also feel like its a disservice to her because she is so sick all the time and we can't afford the medicine the doctor says will help. So that has me kinda sad today. I'm a little stressed I guess about it.
So in anycase, I should probably go eat before work. And I have to check rpol. Later Days!