28th interest: Depression
Well sense no one wants to ask my thoughts on things, or much less listen to me on those things. I thought I would randomly pick things from my Interest catagory and talk a bit about them. So, Depression, was the one.
My interest in Depression, is a personal one. It is something I suffer from severly. Many do not know it about it as I have always tried to keep a smile on my face,, things focused elsewhere, or others at a distance from me. Even though crappy things have and still do happen in my life, it is not the source of my depression. I suffer from a chemical imbalance in which I simply do not produce the happy feel good bits that others do. I take medication that tries to micmic or stimulate those bits in order that I do not gut myself to an end. Do not feel sorry for me, I do not. Honestly, it would make me feel odd at best. I get it, no one wants their buds to feel as I have often have felt. It's a thing, a thing I live and deal with.
Now, it also interests me on an academic level. The Brain always has interested me. The way, chemicals are formed, moved, electricty is generated, and the information that is carried on that electrical current within that checmical bath of fatal despair to utter esctasy and everything in between. I understand that it is hard for most people to understand depression unless they have really been through it. And I do not mean to demean certain depressions, but some depressions are more serious than others. It is hard for some to understand why someone would cut themselves repeatedily, rip out their hair until they have bald spots, peel their skin until it bleeds. I will try to explain it as I have sense it.
Depression is this state where nothing is real but what lies just under the skin, this odd mixture of nothingness and pain. You can see outside of this area, but it is dark, distorted, sometimes a sense of pressure of insainty of a world that just doesnt make sense, and you do not make sense to them. It is where breathing is unnatural, moving is painful, and pissing on yourself makes sense in order to just feel something warm touching you. It is this state where wrong options makes sense, and the right ones never come to mind. It is where surreal is reality, where blood leaving your skin gives you a sense there is really something alive outside of this shell. It is where cutting or any sort of pain reminds you, you are indeed alive because you already feel dead, feel nothing, feel suicide is as natural as breathing.
It is a place where when you begin to even move, struggle to live or to fight, it feels like claws of a beast are ripping at your very soul. Where you wonder why you should even try, because the darkness is a familar place, unchanging, it has always seemed to be there, and it will always linger there (even should you find your way out). It is where the monsters, nightmares, all the bad and hurtful things disappear, because there... is nothing. It is this void of a place in between existing/unexisting worlds in which a depressed person stays. For me, as I see it, this is what we walk with each and everyday. It is our struggle, our fight, our hopes and failures. And personally, I hope you never really have to fully understand them, because if you did, it would also mean you would be walking that same line.
My interest in Depression, is a personal one. It is something I suffer from severly. Many do not know it about it as I have always tried to keep a smile on my face,, things focused elsewhere, or others at a distance from me. Even though crappy things have and still do happen in my life, it is not the source of my depression. I suffer from a chemical imbalance in which I simply do not produce the happy feel good bits that others do. I take medication that tries to micmic or stimulate those bits in order that I do not gut myself to an end. Do not feel sorry for me, I do not. Honestly, it would make me feel odd at best. I get it, no one wants their buds to feel as I have often have felt. It's a thing, a thing I live and deal with.
Now, it also interests me on an academic level. The Brain always has interested me. The way, chemicals are formed, moved, electricty is generated, and the information that is carried on that electrical current within that checmical bath of fatal despair to utter esctasy and everything in between. I understand that it is hard for most people to understand depression unless they have really been through it. And I do not mean to demean certain depressions, but some depressions are more serious than others. It is hard for some to understand why someone would cut themselves repeatedily, rip out their hair until they have bald spots, peel their skin until it bleeds. I will try to explain it as I have sense it.
Depression is this state where nothing is real but what lies just under the skin, this odd mixture of nothingness and pain. You can see outside of this area, but it is dark, distorted, sometimes a sense of pressure of insainty of a world that just doesnt make sense, and you do not make sense to them. It is where breathing is unnatural, moving is painful, and pissing on yourself makes sense in order to just feel something warm touching you. It is this state where wrong options makes sense, and the right ones never come to mind. It is where surreal is reality, where blood leaving your skin gives you a sense there is really something alive outside of this shell. It is where cutting or any sort of pain reminds you, you are indeed alive because you already feel dead, feel nothing, feel suicide is as natural as breathing.
It is a place where when you begin to even move, struggle to live or to fight, it feels like claws of a beast are ripping at your very soul. Where you wonder why you should even try, because the darkness is a familar place, unchanging, it has always seemed to be there, and it will always linger there (even should you find your way out). It is where the monsters, nightmares, all the bad and hurtful things disappear, because there... is nothing. It is this void of a place in between existing/unexisting worlds in which a depressed person stays. For me, as I see it, this is what we walk with each and everyday. It is our struggle, our fight, our hopes and failures. And personally, I hope you never really have to fully understand them, because if you did, it would also mean you would be walking that same line.