50 Rules of Power Metal
Some of you may be aware of my stance that powermetal is the wussiest of all metal genres. It the landscape of my mind it lies somewhere between a poodle and a eunuch. It's the kind of music that is made by narcissistic fantasy fans (see lyrics and soloing), fans of classical music who believe they can be "metal" and dress like new romantics (a fashion concept that went out of date while my 52 year old mother was in university). Even the name itself is a disdemeanour (see also: fucking lie) because its possibly the least powerful form of metal ever produced. It's powerful in the way a thespian shakespeare performance is powerful. Sure the guy stands proud, enunciating to the crowd with his golden locks a-flowing, but you can never quite escape that nagging feeling that despite all his efforts he's just a ponce in funny clothes putting on a silly voice. If the Flanders family liked rock, they'd become powermetal fans.
But fear not delusional powermetal fans! I have have for you a list of ways that you can limit the effects this disease has on you. I present for your reading pleasure...
1. Never refer to power metal as sounding 'powerful'. I will sue you for false advertising.
2. Don’t enjoy ManOwar, they are gay
3. Never go outside carrying a sword, plastic, foam or otherwise.
4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.
7. Don't scream 'meeeeeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal' in your best eunuch voice at festivals.
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.
9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is for ten year olds.
10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!”
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay
12. Scratch that,if your a true power metal fan you have no girlfriend.
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”.
15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay
16. Do not live in your parents basement.
17. Do not live with your parents.
18. Do not refer to your bands sound as [violent word] metal mixed with [emotional state].
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.
20. Try to recognise when your favourite band produces a song that sounds like it was written by a pop artist/hippy commune (I'm looking at you Evergrey and Within Temptation)
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs or reinactments. That is beyond gay
22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.
23. Do NOT carry your sword.
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.
25. Don’t talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2.
26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair”
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.
28. Do not listen to faggoth.
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.
30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.
32. Avoid saying “Slays.”
33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”.
34. If you do not like another genre of Metal, don't pretend to know something about it and don't have an opinon on it.
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal.
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal.
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth.
38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.
39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin.
40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather.
41. Don’t masturbate wearing armour.
42. Don't wear leather trousers AT ALL.
43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often.
44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Deamon, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Banner, Kings, Battles.
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.
47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay
48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings.
50. Don't take this post as a personal assault.
I use gay in the colloquial sense of "stupid and pointless" not literally "homosexual"
But fear not delusional powermetal fans! I have have for you a list of ways that you can limit the effects this disease has on you. I present for your reading pleasure...
1. Never refer to power metal as sounding 'powerful'. I will sue you for false advertising.
2. Don’t enjoy ManOwar, they are gay
3. Never go outside carrying a sword, plastic, foam or otherwise.
4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.
7. Don't scream 'meeeeeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal' in your best eunuch voice at festivals.
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.
9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is for ten year olds.
10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!”
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay
12. Scratch that,if your a true power metal fan you have no girlfriend.
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”.
15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay
16. Do not live in your parents basement.
17. Do not live with your parents.
18. Do not refer to your bands sound as [violent word] metal mixed with [emotional state].
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.
20. Try to recognise when your favourite band produces a song that sounds like it was written by a pop artist/hippy commune (I'm looking at you Evergrey and Within Temptation)
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs or reinactments. That is beyond gay
22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.
23. Do NOT carry your sword.
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.
25. Don’t talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2.
26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair”
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.
28. Do not listen to faggoth.
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.
30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.
32. Avoid saying “Slays.”
33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”.
34. If you do not like another genre of Metal, don't pretend to know something about it and don't have an opinon on it.
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal.
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal.
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth.
38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.
39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin.
40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather.
41. Don’t masturbate wearing armour.
42. Don't wear leather trousers AT ALL.
43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often.
44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Deamon, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Banner, Kings, Battles.
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.
47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay
48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings.
50. Don't take this post as a personal assault.
I use gay in the colloquial sense of "stupid and pointless" not literally "homosexual"