Long time indeed.
It's been forever.
But I feel contemplative and need to just rant.
I feel like the walls around me are melting and morphing in swirling mold. Everything around me has molded. Both in the real world and the world we share between friends. It's sad really. I opened my fridge today for the first time since Christmas break and the inside has physically molded, even though I had emptied and cleaned it before I left. I went to the cafeteria for dinner tonight and pulled out a bagel to toast - I was in the mood for breakfast - and it was covered solid in putrid mold. Every bagel I pulled out from different bags was molded. I feel moldy.
It disgusts me.
I grow so tired of things.
I wish that things were easy to end, that if something was causing major issues, I could just make it go away.
But life simply doesn't allow that. It may be killing me a little every day that it continues and I can only do so much to escape it. I can delete things and avoid places where it might come up, but nothing stays this way. Life and people in it have this way of connecting themselves back to you, even though you don't want to re-connect. Even though it hurts too much to think about.
I cared so damn much back then. I would have given anything and I did dote and adore. Over and over I was abandoned and ditched and ignored and abused. And then I did something about it after all these years. I stopped calling, I stopped caring. It hurt too much to try anymore. Sometimes learning better is simply not able to be acheived. People shouldn't treat others like this. Ever. It causes damage.
I don't know what I did to initiate it, I don't know what is in them in the first place to cause it. I just know I'm tired.
I'm exhausted. I can look back and cry for all the pain and drama that occurred, for the phone calls to hang out 'as a last resort' and be told in the face that you are only important when there is nobody else who wants you around.
All the problems. All the emotional blankness.
I just want to be done.
Please, this year, just leave. And never come back.
Don't show up through other people.
You have no right following me here. I no longer find you filled with charm and awe.
You have become jaded and something half of what you used to be.
I cannot handle the emotions any longer.
Please, do not allow this. Anyone... Don't allow it to happen.
There are few people who have affected me so extensively and caused such emotional and mental trauma.
I know how to escape the others, just leave any connections to rest. They're not important to you anyway, you have always made that clear to everyone. please. please just let me rest in peace.
Let me have peace. You'll be fine without me or mine or any connections. You always are.
All I want for this year is peace.
No more waiting, no more surprises, no more false smiles, no more tearing at everyone and theirs and then crying that they started it, no more drama, no more bullshit.
I can't take it anymore.
I will no longer hear any of it.
I refuse to allow myself to be dragged down any longer.
Please, let me go in peace and let mine go. Leave me and leave all connections to me. You are unwanted and unworthy. I wish to have no part in you any longer.
Maybe someday there will be change and hope, and then, only then, can we dance again.
Where all the colors are
Ocean
The silent ocean knows
Your face
Your reality
Haven't been the same lately
wonder could it be lack of devotion?
Seeing in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions
Feel
Can you feel
Might be why colors disappear
The place we call our soul
Ocean
The cyber ocean sees
Your dreams
Your totality
Nothing stays the same
Someday
I hope you will make more lasting connections
Feeling in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions
See
Can you see
Colors that the ocean offers
Be
Can you be
Something more that black, white and gray
Being in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions
But I feel contemplative and need to just rant.
I feel like the walls around me are melting and morphing in swirling mold. Everything around me has molded. Both in the real world and the world we share between friends. It's sad really. I opened my fridge today for the first time since Christmas break and the inside has physically molded, even though I had emptied and cleaned it before I left. I went to the cafeteria for dinner tonight and pulled out a bagel to toast - I was in the mood for breakfast - and it was covered solid in putrid mold. Every bagel I pulled out from different bags was molded. I feel moldy.
It disgusts me.
I grow so tired of things.
I wish that things were easy to end, that if something was causing major issues, I could just make it go away.
But life simply doesn't allow that. It may be killing me a little every day that it continues and I can only do so much to escape it. I can delete things and avoid places where it might come up, but nothing stays this way. Life and people in it have this way of connecting themselves back to you, even though you don't want to re-connect. Even though it hurts too much to think about.
I cared so damn much back then. I would have given anything and I did dote and adore. Over and over I was abandoned and ditched and ignored and abused. And then I did something about it after all these years. I stopped calling, I stopped caring. It hurt too much to try anymore. Sometimes learning better is simply not able to be acheived. People shouldn't treat others like this. Ever. It causes damage.
I don't know what I did to initiate it, I don't know what is in them in the first place to cause it. I just know I'm tired.
I'm exhausted. I can look back and cry for all the pain and drama that occurred, for the phone calls to hang out 'as a last resort' and be told in the face that you are only important when there is nobody else who wants you around.
All the problems. All the emotional blankness.
I just want to be done.
Please, this year, just leave. And never come back.
Don't show up through other people.
You have no right following me here. I no longer find you filled with charm and awe.
You have become jaded and something half of what you used to be.
I cannot handle the emotions any longer.
Please, do not allow this. Anyone... Don't allow it to happen.
There are few people who have affected me so extensively and caused such emotional and mental trauma.
I know how to escape the others, just leave any connections to rest. They're not important to you anyway, you have always made that clear to everyone. please. please just let me rest in peace.
Let me have peace. You'll be fine without me or mine or any connections. You always are.
All I want for this year is peace.
No more waiting, no more surprises, no more false smiles, no more tearing at everyone and theirs and then crying that they started it, no more drama, no more bullshit.
I can't take it anymore.
I will no longer hear any of it.
I refuse to allow myself to be dragged down any longer.
Please, let me go in peace and let mine go. Leave me and leave all connections to me. You are unwanted and unworthy. I wish to have no part in you any longer.
Maybe someday there will be change and hope, and then, only then, can we dance again.
Where all the colors are
Ocean
The silent ocean knows
Your face
Your reality
Haven't been the same lately
wonder could it be lack of devotion?
Seeing in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions
Feel
Can you feel
Might be why colors disappear
The place we call our soul
Ocean
The cyber ocean sees
Your dreams
Your totality
Nothing stays the same
Someday
I hope you will make more lasting connections
Feeling in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions
See
Can you see
Colors that the ocean offers
Be
Can you be
Something more that black, white and gray
Being in monochrome
Who taught you emotions
Who taught you emotions