Confusion sets in...
Why is it that we always want that which we can't have? I know I'm very much like that, I also know that this feeling in the pit of my stomach is loneliness.
I'm sick of arguing, I'm sick of worrying and I'm sick of not knowing what's going to happen. I wish I could see the future, because I'm pretty sure that would help alot of things.
Why is it that there are times when I hear his voice, and just want to strangle him, and other times I think my hearts going to break. I'm torn. And it's not fair. I wanted to stop feeling this way, I was sure after I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make so far in my life, that things would get easier. But it just seems to hurt more.
I often wonder what it would be like if I wasn't so empathetic, or caring. I'm pretty sure my life would be a hell of a lot different and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to rely on some stupid pills to help me feel happy and help me sleep. There's not been a night in the last 3 weeks that I've been in bed before midnight. Most of those nights I haven't been in bed before 4am. Hence the reason I'm posting in my LJ at 2am.
It's strange, because I see all my friends... and they're lives are going the way they should be. Eb's has moved out with her boyfriend, Shannan's started rennovating her house, Jade's moved house and has her two beautiful little girls, Cass is a Teacher... and here I am, stuck in the same place I was stuck in 3 years ago. I'm 21 this year... I feel as though I should be doing something different.
I'm supposed to be moving to Melbourne next year, but even the prospect of that isn't looking so great. I have to finish the two school units Im currently doing via correspondence... and it's hard to keep myself motivated and not procrastinate. Then there's also the problems that my stupidity has caused between myself and the other people I'm meant to be living with in Melbourne. Great going me.
I often hate posting in LJ, cause I'm afraid that people are going to think I only write in here when I'm depressed. Which ultimately is true. I've noticed I really only write when I'm not feeling all that great. It's very cathartic. even if it does make me think more about the things that are going wrong, it still helps to get some of it down. To get it out of my head and somewhere that I know I can come back to and read.
I've been trying my hardest with everything lately. Trying hard to do my work, trying hard not to let people see what's really going on inside, seems I've been doing things backwards though. People I didn't want to know I was upset around, seem to know. And the people I should be talking to about feeling this way have no idea that I'm feeling like this.
The strange thing is that there's a certain person that has the ability to either pull my out of this mood, or to make it better just by saying something. It's scary to believe that one person has that kind of power over me, only problem is that he knows he has this power, and uses it all to often for the negative. I find myself wondering why I even hang around with this guy, but I can never answer myself. I can find plenty of reasons NOT to hang around him, but I dont seem to be taking those into consideration lately. Yet another one of the things he manages to do. Clouds my better judgement.
Strange that usually the one person that can do that to you is usually the person you're currently dating, but heck, not this guy. This guy has had the ability to do this to me from the moment we first met. And it drives me nuts... I'm not dating him, I never have... but he can still do it. How can someone I've never been with know that much about me?
Then there's the person that continues to break my heart. Whether on purpose or not. But he does it... on an almost regular basis. He'll probably read this and wonder wtf I'm talking about, and that's my fault. My fault for not talking to him properly, for not trying to explain to him what's going on. The worst thing is that I dont really know what to say or do around him anymore. It's like there's a wall that's been thrown up between us... and even though I have a rope to climb over, its like I lack the knowledge to use it. Pretty stupid analeogy I know, but it's the best I could come up with at 2:30am. I miss the way things used to be between us...
~Sharbear
I'm sick of arguing, I'm sick of worrying and I'm sick of not knowing what's going to happen. I wish I could see the future, because I'm pretty sure that would help alot of things.
Why is it that there are times when I hear his voice, and just want to strangle him, and other times I think my hearts going to break. I'm torn. And it's not fair. I wanted to stop feeling this way, I was sure after I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make so far in my life, that things would get easier. But it just seems to hurt more.
I often wonder what it would be like if I wasn't so empathetic, or caring. I'm pretty sure my life would be a hell of a lot different and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to rely on some stupid pills to help me feel happy and help me sleep. There's not been a night in the last 3 weeks that I've been in bed before midnight. Most of those nights I haven't been in bed before 4am. Hence the reason I'm posting in my LJ at 2am.
It's strange, because I see all my friends... and they're lives are going the way they should be. Eb's has moved out with her boyfriend, Shannan's started rennovating her house, Jade's moved house and has her two beautiful little girls, Cass is a Teacher... and here I am, stuck in the same place I was stuck in 3 years ago. I'm 21 this year... I feel as though I should be doing something different.
I'm supposed to be moving to Melbourne next year, but even the prospect of that isn't looking so great. I have to finish the two school units Im currently doing via correspondence... and it's hard to keep myself motivated and not procrastinate. Then there's also the problems that my stupidity has caused between myself and the other people I'm meant to be living with in Melbourne. Great going me.
I often hate posting in LJ, cause I'm afraid that people are going to think I only write in here when I'm depressed. Which ultimately is true. I've noticed I really only write when I'm not feeling all that great. It's very cathartic. even if it does make me think more about the things that are going wrong, it still helps to get some of it down. To get it out of my head and somewhere that I know I can come back to and read.
I've been trying my hardest with everything lately. Trying hard to do my work, trying hard not to let people see what's really going on inside, seems I've been doing things backwards though. People I didn't want to know I was upset around, seem to know. And the people I should be talking to about feeling this way have no idea that I'm feeling like this.
The strange thing is that there's a certain person that has the ability to either pull my out of this mood, or to make it better just by saying something. It's scary to believe that one person has that kind of power over me, only problem is that he knows he has this power, and uses it all to often for the negative. I find myself wondering why I even hang around with this guy, but I can never answer myself. I can find plenty of reasons NOT to hang around him, but I dont seem to be taking those into consideration lately. Yet another one of the things he manages to do. Clouds my better judgement.
Strange that usually the one person that can do that to you is usually the person you're currently dating, but heck, not this guy. This guy has had the ability to do this to me from the moment we first met. And it drives me nuts... I'm not dating him, I never have... but he can still do it. How can someone I've never been with know that much about me?
Then there's the person that continues to break my heart. Whether on purpose or not. But he does it... on an almost regular basis. He'll probably read this and wonder wtf I'm talking about, and that's my fault. My fault for not talking to him properly, for not trying to explain to him what's going on. The worst thing is that I dont really know what to say or do around him anymore. It's like there's a wall that's been thrown up between us... and even though I have a rope to climb over, its like I lack the knowledge to use it. Pretty stupid analeogy I know, but it's the best I could come up with at 2:30am. I miss the way things used to be between us...
~Sharbear