Part four of the Bree Tanner spork
Welcome to part four where we have club adventures, pot calling kettle black, the very definition of idiot protagonist and cooties. Sadly no vamp chicks doing stuff. I feel tricked.
So we start this recap with night arriving and the introduction of new vampires before they go feeding, or so I would like to say but we don’t get to hear them. Riley just starts shouting random names and instruction and we don’t get any comments back. Way to create the feeling I’m in a hive!
Riley then turns to Fred and tells him its about time he go feed and Fred gets up with a sigh. I’m going to assume he’s sick of being in this novella and thus is making everyone sick as he leaves. This pleases Riley, but I’m trying to find what is useful about this power in battle. Yes, it drives vamps away and makes Fred invisible, but that’s just it: it’s just Fred. That just means Fred can sit on a tree and watch everyone die, and you know he doesn’t like anyone except maybe Bree so it’s not like he’s bound to be much help.
Anyway, Bree whines about how naked she is without Fred there to cover her from other vamps before focusing on Riley. She tells us how much he is in a hurry to meet her that he doesn’t care about giving instructions. And why bother, really? These newborns, for the most part, don’t listen to him. They are always sneaking out, when they shouldn’t, hitting people at random, when they are told to hunt dregs, and leaving evidence everywhere, when they are told to destroy all traces.
Bree sneaks out after Riley and waits her BFF who hugs her hello. They recap what happened five pages ago followed by the usual “I don’t trust Riley.”/ “Well, I trust him”/ “Fine I trust him too”. Diego convinces her this time by calling it a club adventure. His plan is to have Bree follow him, while he follows Riley. He will then tell his love about the sparkles and laugh at the misunderstanding. I can see how Diego is imagining this is a good idea: “He’s going to be shocked by this and realize that bitch lied to him. He’ll turn against her, kill her and we’ll be happy forever.”
Our little heroine is not happy about this plan because she’s a chicken, by her own admission and she’s afraid her will be around. Diego comforts her by reminding her, and us, how special his bond with Riley is. She’s then says:
“This elaborate plan of yours…,” I said.
“What about it?” he asked.
“It sounds kind of like a solo plan. Not so much a club adventure. At least, not when it comes to the dangerous part.”
He made a face that told me I’d caught him.
“This is my idea. I’m the one who…” He hesitated, having trouble with the next word. (the word is love) “… trusts Riley. I’m the only one who’s going to risk getting on his bad side if I’m wrong.”
Oohh, bad form Diego. She’s not going to buy that. Specially since you never once hesitated to imply and state how much you trust Riley. She’s going to know that’s not the word you wanted to use. Then again, this girl can be outwitted by a bucket of sand.
Also, worst club ever. The meetings are boring, there are no bandages involved and they don’t even hand out medals.
(Calving and Hobbes showing us how it's done)
She chases him jumping from treetop to treetop, bending the branches lightly. O-kay, how does that work? If I grab a tree branch it bends lightly, I am an average adult female. Bree is a vampire and thus like stone. Wouldn’t she do more than lightly bend the tree branches? I guess it would depend on the type of tree.
Anyhow, they both chase Riley down to the house where Victoria is and get a horrific view: Riley making out with Victoria. Oh, the invampity of it all!
First of all, this is how Victoria looks like:
Now, I’ll admit I’m not the best judge when it comes to looks, but she doesn’t look bad at all. She may not be the world’s hottest vamp, but she doesn’t warrant the “Eeww, gross” reaction. How old is Bree anyway? I don’t buy she’s 15 at all. And if the reaction is to vampire stone kissing may I remind you that Meyer wrote Edward and Bella vampire kissing and it was just wonderful then. What gives? I don’t count Diego and Bree because that was just a peck. I pecked my dog’s nose this morning and a friend yesterday and my stepfather pecks his parrot all the time.
But I do love Diego’s reaction.
I shuddered and glanced at Diego. He looked faintly horrified, too, but he shrugged.
I imagine it must be hard to watch the one you love kiss another, but one must soldier on.
So apparently bad make out sessions are great on the memory since she flashes back to that faithful night when she was turned. And this could have sad and touching if we had met Bree as a human and she had a loving family and friends, but no, she didn’t have any of that. Or if we had seen this as it happened, from her runaway moment of desperation to this, and settled into her character and grew some empathy with her, but we didn’t get that either. I swear Meyer is just making up things as she goes along and halting the story for back story when she comes up with something.
Moving on! Riley dragged human Bree out of the car (wait, he has a car?) and takes her to Victoria who is throwing a fit:
As I focused on the memory, I could hear it again. High and singsong, like a little girl’s, but grouchy. A child throwing a tantrum.
Our fearsome antagonist is a bit of a whiny bitch. And you are calling her a little girl, Bree? Look at yourself! Then again Alice throws a fit when she can’t see the future, Roselie when Edward doesn’t pay attention to her (because she’s mean and jealous of Bella) and Bella throws her share like a spoiled brat. Maybe it’s a vampire thing to be an immature little girl.
They then start doing something really dumb: tell their plan in front of Bree.
I remembered what she’d said. “Why did you even bring this one? It’s too small.” Something close to that, I thought. The words might not be exactly right, but that was the meaning.
I was sure Riley had sounded eager to please when he answered, afraid of disappointing. “But she’s another body. Another distraction, at least.”
I think I’d whimpered then, and he’d shaken me painfully, but he hadn’t spoken to me again. It was like I was a dog, not a person.
“This whole night has been a waste,” the child’s voice had complained. “I’ve killed them all. Ugh!”
Bree then does the sensible thing and suppresses the memory. Because, you know, nothing of importance was said. Like the fact they’re just bodies and that she was creating vampires as a distraction and Riley knows about it. Nope, nothing worth remembering. Best not tell Diego about it and keep up with the plan.
To the relief of our heroes, the making out stops and we get to hear Victoria and Riley plotting. She asks him how many he has managed to keep and he responds with 22. Bree hits us over the head by going “*GASP* There are 22 of us. Do you think they are, maybe, perhaps, possibly talking about... us?” And I just want to hit her with a clue-by-8 and scream “Yes, you twat!”
You know, whatever pity I had for Bree in Eclipse has gone away. I can’t wait for her to die. She should be the poster child of too dumb to live!
What is it with Meyer and ruining characters when she gives them attention? I was ok with Rosalie until her backstory. I was ok with Jacob until he started “fighting for Bella’s love” in Eclipse and got assassinated in Breaking Dawn. I loved Leah until Meyer gave her the spotlight to wish for imprinting (When it would make more sense for her to spit on it alongside Jacob and be the freedom wolf team!) and now I merely like her and I pray she doesn’t get a spin-off series. And now I can’t wait for Bree to die! What the hell? The only cool one is Fred, and he has said nothing.
And another thing! Look how Bree describe Victoria’s voice:
The voice was muted by distance, but still distinct. And recognizable. High, almost a trill. Like a spoiled young girl.
Yes, because a girl who goes around making BFF clubs, plays pretend and has emotional orgasms over pecks and and rainbows is surely mature. Victoria, who is plotting a war and is older than you, is obviously a child. Goddammit! Why does Bree keeps calling Victoria a child? Regardless of how silly her intentions are in the big scheme of things, Bree is no better than her. At no moment have I thought this is a mature teenager! Why should I think that? Why, because she reads? She reads books from the story’s equivalent of a Wallmart! I doubt they sell philosophy, science or great literature in there.
But just when the story is making me frustrated, it gives me a treat to keep me reading:
“I thought I’d lost two more to the sun, but one of my older kids is… obedient,” Riley continued. There was almost an affectionate sound to his voice when he spoke of Diego as one of his kids. (Yeah, that affection is not meant for kids) “He has an underground place-he hid himself with the younger one.”
“Are you sure?”
There was a long pause, this time with no sounds of romance. Even from this distance, I thought I could feel some tension. (She suspects the affair! Quickly Riley, cover your tracks!)
“Yeah. He’s a good kid, I’m sure.” (Good enough, I guess)
Aaww, look at Riley defending Diego. Too bad that, considering how the plot is going, Riley is sure to kill Diego himself and angst about it later. Because, c’mon, it’s not like our main characters are smart enough to add 2 plus 2 and leave on their own.
So the dialogue pretty much goes to:
Victoria: Twenty two!
Riley: Yes, we have twenty-two. Should we attack now?
Victoria: Not yet. Twenty-two, huh? Maybe we should vamp more kids.
Riley: But when we add more vamps they tear each other apart.
Victoria: True. Twenty-two... that should be fine. What good is having super special awesome powers when you fight against twenty-two vampires. With our army of twenty-two vampires we shall win!
Riley: Yes, we shall.
Victoria; Twenty-two! YAY!
God, the repetition beat me up half to death. And if our heroes had gotten the point after that I would be less bitchy about it. But no, they are still there and I bet they are still wondering “What does it mean?”
At this moment pale goth kids with matching cloaks saunter into the area at speeds taken out of Baywatch. This makes Bree shit a brick and wants to go because she thinks they are the enemy Victoria wants to fight, but Diego doesn’t want to leave and he’s the boss. And so the recap ends with the “cloaks” in perfect bird formation heading to Victoria’s little love nest.
Tune in next time when we see he Volturi actively involved in the story, and thus canon-raping Eclipse.
(Part five of the Bree Tanner spork)
So we start this recap with night arriving and the introduction of new vampires before they go feeding, or so I would like to say but we don’t get to hear them. Riley just starts shouting random names and instruction and we don’t get any comments back. Way to create the feeling I’m in a hive!
Riley then turns to Fred and tells him its about time he go feed and Fred gets up with a sigh. I’m going to assume he’s sick of being in this novella and thus is making everyone sick as he leaves. This pleases Riley, but I’m trying to find what is useful about this power in battle. Yes, it drives vamps away and makes Fred invisible, but that’s just it: it’s just Fred. That just means Fred can sit on a tree and watch everyone die, and you know he doesn’t like anyone except maybe Bree so it’s not like he’s bound to be much help.
Anyway, Bree whines about how naked she is without Fred there to cover her from other vamps before focusing on Riley. She tells us how much he is in a hurry to meet her that he doesn’t care about giving instructions. And why bother, really? These newborns, for the most part, don’t listen to him. They are always sneaking out, when they shouldn’t, hitting people at random, when they are told to hunt dregs, and leaving evidence everywhere, when they are told to destroy all traces.
Bree sneaks out after Riley and waits her BFF who hugs her hello. They recap what happened five pages ago followed by the usual “I don’t trust Riley.”/ “Well, I trust him”/ “Fine I trust him too”. Diego convinces her this time by calling it a club adventure. His plan is to have Bree follow him, while he follows Riley. He will then tell his love about the sparkles and laugh at the misunderstanding. I can see how Diego is imagining this is a good idea: “He’s going to be shocked by this and realize that bitch lied to him. He’ll turn against her, kill her and we’ll be happy forever.”
Our little heroine is not happy about this plan because she’s a chicken, by her own admission and she’s afraid her will be around. Diego comforts her by reminding her, and us, how special his bond with Riley is. She’s then says:
“This elaborate plan of yours…,” I said.
“What about it?” he asked.
“It sounds kind of like a solo plan. Not so much a club adventure. At least, not when it comes to the dangerous part.”
He made a face that told me I’d caught him.
“This is my idea. I’m the one who…” He hesitated, having trouble with the next word. (the word is love) “… trusts Riley. I’m the only one who’s going to risk getting on his bad side if I’m wrong.”
Oohh, bad form Diego. She’s not going to buy that. Specially since you never once hesitated to imply and state how much you trust Riley. She’s going to know that’s not the word you wanted to use. Then again, this girl can be outwitted by a bucket of sand.
Also, worst club ever. The meetings are boring, there are no bandages involved and they don’t even hand out medals.
(Calving and Hobbes showing us how it's done)
She chases him jumping from treetop to treetop, bending the branches lightly. O-kay, how does that work? If I grab a tree branch it bends lightly, I am an average adult female. Bree is a vampire and thus like stone. Wouldn’t she do more than lightly bend the tree branches? I guess it would depend on the type of tree.
Anyhow, they both chase Riley down to the house where Victoria is and get a horrific view: Riley making out with Victoria. Oh, the invampity of it all!
First of all, this is how Victoria looks like:
Now, I’ll admit I’m not the best judge when it comes to looks, but she doesn’t look bad at all. She may not be the world’s hottest vamp, but she doesn’t warrant the “Eeww, gross” reaction. How old is Bree anyway? I don’t buy she’s 15 at all. And if the reaction is to vampire stone kissing may I remind you that Meyer wrote Edward and Bella vampire kissing and it was just wonderful then. What gives? I don’t count Diego and Bree because that was just a peck. I pecked my dog’s nose this morning and a friend yesterday and my stepfather pecks his parrot all the time.
But I do love Diego’s reaction.
I shuddered and glanced at Diego. He looked faintly horrified, too, but he shrugged.
I imagine it must be hard to watch the one you love kiss another, but one must soldier on.
So apparently bad make out sessions are great on the memory since she flashes back to that faithful night when she was turned. And this could have sad and touching if we had met Bree as a human and she had a loving family and friends, but no, she didn’t have any of that. Or if we had seen this as it happened, from her runaway moment of desperation to this, and settled into her character and grew some empathy with her, but we didn’t get that either. I swear Meyer is just making up things as she goes along and halting the story for back story when she comes up with something.
Moving on! Riley dragged human Bree out of the car (wait, he has a car?) and takes her to Victoria who is throwing a fit:
As I focused on the memory, I could hear it again. High and singsong, like a little girl’s, but grouchy. A child throwing a tantrum.
Our fearsome antagonist is a bit of a whiny bitch. And you are calling her a little girl, Bree? Look at yourself! Then again Alice throws a fit when she can’t see the future, Roselie when Edward doesn’t pay attention to her (because she’s mean and jealous of Bella) and Bella throws her share like a spoiled brat. Maybe it’s a vampire thing to be an immature little girl.
They then start doing something really dumb: tell their plan in front of Bree.
I remembered what she’d said. “Why did you even bring this one? It’s too small.” Something close to that, I thought. The words might not be exactly right, but that was the meaning.
I was sure Riley had sounded eager to please when he answered, afraid of disappointing. “But she’s another body. Another distraction, at least.”
I think I’d whimpered then, and he’d shaken me painfully, but he hadn’t spoken to me again. It was like I was a dog, not a person.
“This whole night has been a waste,” the child’s voice had complained. “I’ve killed them all. Ugh!”
Bree then does the sensible thing and suppresses the memory. Because, you know, nothing of importance was said. Like the fact they’re just bodies and that she was creating vampires as a distraction and Riley knows about it. Nope, nothing worth remembering. Best not tell Diego about it and keep up with the plan.
To the relief of our heroes, the making out stops and we get to hear Victoria and Riley plotting. She asks him how many he has managed to keep and he responds with 22. Bree hits us over the head by going “*GASP* There are 22 of us. Do you think they are, maybe, perhaps, possibly talking about... us?” And I just want to hit her with a clue-by-8 and scream “Yes, you twat!”
You know, whatever pity I had for Bree in Eclipse has gone away. I can’t wait for her to die. She should be the poster child of too dumb to live!
What is it with Meyer and ruining characters when she gives them attention? I was ok with Rosalie until her backstory. I was ok with Jacob until he started “fighting for Bella’s love” in Eclipse and got assassinated in Breaking Dawn. I loved Leah until Meyer gave her the spotlight to wish for imprinting (When it would make more sense for her to spit on it alongside Jacob and be the freedom wolf team!) and now I merely like her and I pray she doesn’t get a spin-off series. And now I can’t wait for Bree to die! What the hell? The only cool one is Fred, and he has said nothing.
And another thing! Look how Bree describe Victoria’s voice:
The voice was muted by distance, but still distinct. And recognizable. High, almost a trill. Like a spoiled young girl.
Yes, because a girl who goes around making BFF clubs, plays pretend and has emotional orgasms over pecks and and rainbows is surely mature. Victoria, who is plotting a war and is older than you, is obviously a child. Goddammit! Why does Bree keeps calling Victoria a child? Regardless of how silly her intentions are in the big scheme of things, Bree is no better than her. At no moment have I thought this is a mature teenager! Why should I think that? Why, because she reads? She reads books from the story’s equivalent of a Wallmart! I doubt they sell philosophy, science or great literature in there.
But just when the story is making me frustrated, it gives me a treat to keep me reading:
“I thought I’d lost two more to the sun, but one of my older kids is… obedient,” Riley continued. There was almost an affectionate sound to his voice when he spoke of Diego as one of his kids. (Yeah, that affection is not meant for kids) “He has an underground place-he hid himself with the younger one.”
“Are you sure?”
There was a long pause, this time with no sounds of romance. Even from this distance, I thought I could feel some tension. (She suspects the affair! Quickly Riley, cover your tracks!)
“Yeah. He’s a good kid, I’m sure.” (Good enough, I guess)
Aaww, look at Riley defending Diego. Too bad that, considering how the plot is going, Riley is sure to kill Diego himself and angst about it later. Because, c’mon, it’s not like our main characters are smart enough to add 2 plus 2 and leave on their own.
So the dialogue pretty much goes to:
Victoria: Twenty two!
Riley: Yes, we have twenty-two. Should we attack now?
Victoria: Not yet. Twenty-two, huh? Maybe we should vamp more kids.
Riley: But when we add more vamps they tear each other apart.
Victoria: True. Twenty-two... that should be fine. What good is having super special awesome powers when you fight against twenty-two vampires. With our army of twenty-two vampires we shall win!
Riley: Yes, we shall.
Victoria; Twenty-two! YAY!
God, the repetition beat me up half to death. And if our heroes had gotten the point after that I would be less bitchy about it. But no, they are still there and I bet they are still wondering “What does it mean?”
At this moment pale goth kids with matching cloaks saunter into the area at speeds taken out of Baywatch. This makes Bree shit a brick and wants to go because she thinks they are the enemy Victoria wants to fight, but Diego doesn’t want to leave and he’s the boss. And so the recap ends with the “cloaks” in perfect bird formation heading to Victoria’s little love nest.
Tune in next time when we see he Volturi actively involved in the story, and thus canon-raping Eclipse.
(Part five of the Bree Tanner spork)