(no subject)

[shaolin_dagger]

shit. one more entry:

I am falling.
from a cliff.
One moment
I was just walking
into the thick abyss,
thinking of only thoughts that
only
help themselves
grow
into cancerous cells.
Thoughts that
give me no love.
Thoughts of
banal nature.
Next, I am walking and walking,
concentrating on my thoughts so hard,
that
I no longer comprehend the canyons in front of me.
I no longer
comprehend anything
but the pounding,

pounding.
pounding,

hammer
inside of my brain.
I take one step
(pound)
and
another
(pound)
and
another
(pounding)
and...
I walk out into the
thin
air,
where there is no ground to hold me down.
I try to walk and walk and walk,
without realizing
that I am
falling,
faster
and
faster.
Now,
I am falling,
falling,
falling, and falling
into chaos.
Falling into
falling.
But the air actually
smells so good
that I wish I didn't
have to die.
I wish.
But I am
falling,
falling,
falling,
falling into chaos,
where there
ain't
no constraints to define me,
ain't
no boxes to fill,
ain't
no
ideologies to live by,
ain't nothing to keep be bound to this earth,
but
myself
and
the air that smells so good,
and
the clouds that move so
slow.
I look down,
wondering what it feels like
to be
smashed into smitherings.
What will I taste like to the vultures?
I soon realize that I've been
falling,
falling and
falling
for oh so long,
that I should have landed
quite a
long time
ago.
So, I wait and wait for something to happen.
For a demon to
pop out at me
and tell me what I've done wrong
or what I need to do
right.
Or a Genie to tell that I
have
three wishes
and only
three.
I wait and wait
and
wait.
No one comes.
It's just me, the air, the cliff,
and the clouds that look so beautiful
to my
clear
hazel eyes.

It's impossible for me
to grasp on
to anything while flying
through the air.
Nothing in this chaos,
but the air, the moon, the stars,
and
my thoughts and emotions,
that now mean so much,
when they never meant anything in my
orderly life.