President's Day fic
Sorry, posting this a day early as I have to work tomorrow.
Fic: Epiphany by shao_fu, ~3200 words, PG-ish, usual disclaimers.
In which Steve makes a discovery and Danny is way ahead of him.
Early Sunday morning, Steve’s phone rang just as he was headed out to the beach for a swim. Cursing softly under his breath, he hoped it wasn’t a case. His team had had very little down time in the past couple of weeks and he didn’t want to disturb their well-deserved weekend off. Caller ID showed Danny’s number and his heart skipped a beat as he answered. Danny had Grace this weekend and he hoped there wasn’t a problem.
“McGarrett,” Danny said cheerfully, “for some reason I am completely unable to comprehend, my daughter actually likes you, “Uncle Steve”, and she wanted to know if you could spend some time with us today.” Steve stared at the ocean and chewed his lip.
“I don’t want to intrude,” he said carefully. “You don’t get enough time with Gracie as it is.”
“That is a cold, hard fact but this was her idea not mine. I’m taking her to the zoo this morning but we could meet up later. Here, talk to her if you don’t believe me.” Danny passed the phone to his daughter.
“Hi, Uncle Steve,” she said brightly. “Please say you’ll come to the beach with us. Daddy said that after last time I need a lifeguard on duty.” Steve laughed at her cunning and promised to meet them later. Grace passed the phone back to Danny and Steve heard her say, “I’ll be perfectly safe, Daddy, Uncle Steve says he’ll protect me from the sharks.”
“You,” Danny said into the phone, sounding very put upon, “are a liability and, for a tough Navy SEAL, very easily manipulated by a scheming eight year old. We’ll pick you up at three.” He paused and then added softly, “Thanks, Steve.” He hung up and Steve found himself smiling, surprised at how much he was looking forward to the afternoon.
***
Steve was watching Danny watching Grace. Rarely was his partner so quiet or so gentle, the lines smoothed from his brow and his shoulders relaxed, his busy hands hanging loosely by his sides: it was a good look on him. Seemingly suddenly aware of being observed, Danny glanced up at him and smiled, beaming radiantly with unalloyed joy, before returning his gaze to his daughter. That was a good thing, Steve decided, because his stomach had plummeted and his heart was trying to pound out of his chest. If he didn’t know he was in perfect physical condition, Steve would have worried he might be having a heart attack. He felt decidedly dizzy until he realized he had forgotten to breathe and was depriving his brain of oxygen. It took a forcible effort to make his diaphragm relax enough so he could breathe normally and he could only be thankful that Danny was too absorbed with Gracie to notice anything.
It was not the best moment for such an epiphany and Steve’s breath caught again as he finally figured it out. All these months: all the arguments and disagreements, the friendly spats over driving and the not so friendly fights after a case went bad; the beers on the beach and the occasional dinner, the team nights out and TV nights in watching a game; the gnawing ache which he had attributed entirely to the loss of his father, the occasional twitchiness when Danny was close by; the unfettered pleasure of sharing time with Danny and Gracie; all of these things suddenly added up to the sum of the glaringly obvious: He was in love with Danny. His heart and his dick processed the thought at the same time and he had a few seconds of overwhelming emotions, blazing joy and a surge of desire. He could not afford to get a hard on for Danny in front of his daughter but, perhaps fortunately, that was when his brain kicked into gear and pre-empted any lustful thoughts. Danny must never know how he felt, could never, ever find out: of that, Steve was completely certain. The thought was not a happy one, but irrefutable, and Steve started to shut down in self defense while he tried to deal with it.
“C’mon, monkey,” Danny said, “let’s go and get some shaved ice from Kamekona.” Grace skipped over and took her father’s hand and then grabbed Steve’s as well. Steve flinched, startled out of his brooding, and then smiled down at her, but not before Danny frowned in puzzlement.
“Shaved ice it is,” Steve said brightly, hoping to distract Danny, “Blue cotton candy for you and, what do you think, pink bubblegum for Danno?” Grace giggled and swung their hands as they walked towards the car but Danny was ominously silent.
“What about you, Uncle Steve?” Gracie asked. “What flavour are you going to have?” Steve grinned down at her.
“Pi - “
“Pineapple,” Gracie yelled, interrupting him. “Daddy hates pineapple!”
“I do not ‘hate’ pineapple,” Danny countered. “It is a perfectly acceptable fruit in small portions as long as it never, ever appears on pizza. There are limits, is all I’m saying.” Gracie just giggled and did a little hop, which both Steve and Danny instantly interpreted as a desire to be swung between them. Grace could sometimes despise doing little kid stuff (as she called it) and Steve knew how much it wrenched at Danny’s heart when she turned up her nose at some suggested activity, but today she was happy to let them swing her like a toddler, shrieking with glee when Steve tossed her higher than Danny could comfortably reach without doing himself an injury.
“Cool it, you great giraffe,” he complained, making Grace laugh again but Steve looked guiltily at Danny and dropped Grace’s hand.
“Sorry,” he muttered and Danny once again looked askance at him. Usually Steve would have made some kind of short joke and certainly would have done nothing to potentially upset Grace but he was decidedly off kilter. He had to pull himself together because the way Danny was looking at him did not bode well and Steve could guess the kind of conversation they would be having in the car after they had dropped Grace off. He was rescued temporarily by Kamekona hailing them and, by the time they had ordered the shaved ice, Steve thought he had his game face firmly in place.
***
Danny was saying goodbye to Gracie and Steve tried not to watch, unable to bear the sadness in Danny’s eyes as he watched her walk up the driveway away from him and towards Rachel and Stan and all their rich trappings. Life was damned unfair and Steve fisted his hands in frustration because he couldn’t fix this and he wanted to so badly it physically hurt. Danny deserved better, he deserved the best, and life had not only knocked him down but kicked him in the balls for good measure. Steve stared moodily ahead as Danny climbed in the passenger seat.
“Oh, oh, what’s that face?” Danny said as he snapped his seatbelt in place. “It’s not aneurysm face and it’s not constipation face, it’s not even crazy ninja SEAL about to dive off a cliff face. This is an entirely new face and it is not a happy face.”
“You’re a good father,” Steve said, ignoring him. “You’re a damned good father to Gracie.”
“Yes, yes I am,” Danny replied, seizing the opening Steve had unwittingly given him. “You, however, are a crappy ‘uncle’, although I’m not sure you deserve the title any longer. Gracie likes you Steve and I share her with you when she asks to see you but -“
“I’m sorry,” Steve interrupted before Danny could get into full rant mode. “I’m really, really sorry.” He hoped his heartfelt apology would be enough and he thought he had got away with it. Danny, however, was not so easily deflected.
“So what’s going on?” he asked as Steve negotiated the Sunday afternoon traffic.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” Steve answered. Danny made a rude noise.
“I hear the words but I also see the face so do not even try that with me. Something’s up and I would like to know what, as it apparently concerns my daughter.” That startled Steve into looking at Danny, shocked he could think such a thing.
“Eyes on the road,” Danny snapped automatically. Then, after a few miles, he said conversationally, “So, if it’s nothing to do with Gracie then I guess it’s to do with me.” Steve gripped the steering wheel hard and glanced at Danny. He didn’t appear upset but Steve could not read his expression.
“Keep your eyes on the road, please, Steven,” Danny said again, carefully enunciating each syllable. “We may not live through this conversation but I do not want it ended prematurely by the sounds of squealing tyres and rending metal because you are not paying attention. “
“We are not having this conversation,” Steve responded, accelerating past a coach full of tourists and narrowly missing an oncoming pickup. Danny hung on but was not deterred in the slightest.
“I speak, you reply, I listen and speak again and so on and so forth. That is a conversation by any definition; therefore we are so having this conversation. It will, however, keep until we are safely at our destination, which I guess is your place since we just passed the turning for mine.” Steve cursed and almost turned around but then he remembered that Danny had picked him up from his house, so he would have to endure for a little while longer until he made it home and could lock himself away from Danny and the rest of the world.
He skidded to a stop by his house and jumped out of the car, leaving the engine running. He hoped Danny would take the hint and just drive off but he knew it was not going to be that simple. Danny yelled after him and turned off the car, got out and slammed the door with excessive force, before stomping after Steve. Steve almost had the nerve to slam the door in his face but this was Danny and he couldn’t do it. Instead he folded his arms and leaned against the wall just inside the front door, excoriated with shame for his stupid diva behaviour, and waited for Danny to say his piece. Danny took one look at him and bit back his angry rant. He closed the door with exaggerated care and then planted himself in front of Steve, a little too close for comfort but not quite in his face. Steve chewed on his lip and would not look at Danny, could not meet his eyes and tell the lies, which he was going to have to hide behind, to his face. Danny deserved far more than that.
“Mm-mm, what is this all about?” Danny finally asked gently, using the tone of voice he usually reserved for Gracie or terrified victims. Steve flinched like Danny had hit him, unprepared for the genuine concern he could hear, the soft fondness underlying the simple question. Steve balled his hands into fists, tucking them harder into his armpits as he folded into himself.
“I can’t,” he managed to say. “Please, Danno, I can’t have this conversation right now.”
“I think we must,” Danny replied even more gently. “Whatever it is, Steve, we can fix it, I’m sure, but I need to know what it is first.”
“We can’t fix it,” Steve yelled and lashed out, not at Danny, but punching the wall opposite. There was an audible crunch and Danny winced as Steve cursed and cradled his hand. “Please go away, Danny,” he gasped, “I’m begging you, please; I need you to go.”
“You - are an idiot,” Danny said, taking hold of Steve’s wrist and gently examining his injured hand. The knuckles were scraped and bleeding but Steve could move his fingers, if painfully. “I don’t think anything is broken,” Danny said eventually, “but maybe we should get you an X-ray to make sure.”
“I don’t need an X-ray,” Steve replied, sullen now and embarrassed by his outburst. Danny’s fingers wrapped around his wrist were warm and gentle but Steve could only feel them burning into his flesh, branding him as a fool for losing control of his emotions and betraying himself.
“Let’s clean this up,” Danny said and tugged Steve towards the bathroom. He swabbed the bleeding knuckles with warm water, found antiseptic and band aids in the cabinet, and finally, much to Steve’s relief, stepped away. Steve trailed after him as he headed for the kitchen.
“It has been my experience,” Danny said calmly, “that, when fighting with a wall, the wall usually wins. I would have thought they would have taught you that in SEAL school.” He paused but, when Steve did not rise to the bait, he sighed and said, “I need a beer.” He grabbed two out of the fridge, opened both and handed Steve one, then wandered outside to their usual seats overlooking the beach. He did not look back and Steve eventually followed him. Danny continued to stare at the ocean while Steve collected himself and finally took a pull at his beer.
“You know,” Danny said in a conversational tone, still not looking at Steve, “there was a time back in Jersey, before I met Rachel, when I ran a little wild. Drank too much, smoked a little pot, got into a few bar fights, had one night stands with anyone willing. Anyone,” he repeated.
“Danny,” Steve choked but Danny kept on talking.
“I did not gain my reputation for being a very good detective by being unobservant or slow on the uptake,” Danny commented in what, at first, seemed a non-sequitur. “I find the evidence and follow it to its logical conclusion. Normally, this does not involve dangling people from roofs or throwing them in shark tanks because I still believe people will say anything out of fear of death. You and I are diametrically opposed on this point but I am willing to concede that fear can be a great motivator. If someone fears the consequences, it will hopefully deter them from following through on an unwise course of action. Misplaced fear, on the other hand, can prevent someone from achieving what they want.” He finally turned and looked at Steve, who reluctantly held his gaze. “You know, Chin thinks you do not have the fear gene and all evidence hitherto would confirm that. So this may not be the easiest question for you to answer but please do me the honour of trusting me and answer honestly: What are you afraid of, Steve?”
Steve opened his mouth but no words would come. Danny waited patiently and Steve finally admitted to himself what was troubling him most.
“I’m afraid of losing my partner,” he said. Danny searched his face and then nodded to himself.
“That covers a multitude of scenarios,” he said, “and there are some that cannot be predicted, given the nature of our work and your predilection for diving off cliffs and shooting first and asking questions later. That aside, however, I believe your fears are unfounded. There is always an element of risk, of course, but . . .”
“Danno,” Steve interrupted, getting to his feet. Danny stood up and moved towards Steve, one eyebrow raised in interrogation.
“Yes, Steven?”
“I - we - I can’t.” Steve stumbled over words too complex to form into anything coherent.
“Can’t what?” Danny asked, moving closer. “Can’t take a risk?”
Steve shook his head, his throat working as he tried to explain. How could he tell Danny that he loved him? That he wanted him more than anyone or anything? How could he reveal this side of him, buried deep inside for so long, hidden from the Navy, from his colleagues and friends, so suppressed that it had taken him months to realise what was happening? And yes, he was afraid. He was afraid Danny would take pity on him, risking his career and possibly his daughter because he was so damn needy and Danny would do anything to fix the problem. And part of him wasn’t just afraid, part of him was terrified that, if he revealed himself and laid himself bare, Danny would reject him. Steve was not used to being vulnerable and he wasn’t sure he could trust Danny. Oh, he trusted Danny with his life, knew he always had his back and would take a bullet for him, just as he would for Danny but, could he trust him with his heart?
Danny waited patiently, never taking his eyes off Steve’s face and Steve tried to hide from that direct gaze, wondering if his expression revealed too much. And then Danny reached out and wordlessly pulled Steve towards him, wrapping his arms around him and tilting his face up so that his lips could graze Steve’s jaw. Steve’s hard won control crumbled and he found Danny’s mouth in a desperate kiss. Danny stood his ground before the onslaught, sliding one hand behind Steve’s neck to deepen the kiss. They finally had to break away and Steve rested his forehead against Danny’s, panting as if he had run a marathon. Danny’s hands moved over his arms and back, petting and soothing him.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Danny murmured, his thumb stroking Steve’s jaw and brushing lightly over his kiss-swollen lips. “I think I said this earlier,” he added with a smile, “but you - are an idiot.” Steve managed a somewhat tremulous smile.
“I guess you think that makes you smart?” Danny grinned.
“Of course I’m smart; I am a very smart man indeed, smart enough to realise that we are outside and not particularly secluded, and that is not a good situation to be in, considering what I have in mind. Also, if you continue to stand here, I will be reduced to climbing on the chair to avoid permanent damage to my neck and I am willing to do a lot for you, babe, but losing my dignity under these circumstances is not one of them.” That forced a laugh out of Steve, who was gradually beginning to relax. Danny grinned back at him as the tenseness leeched out of Steve’s muscles, leaving him feeling somewhat shaky. He sat down rather abruptly as his knees gave way.
“Okay,” Danny said, “maybe I wasn’t clear enough about my intentions. We can sit here but I’d much rather we went back inside.”
“I need a minute,” Steve said, looking at his trembling hands.
“Take all the time you need, babe, I’m not going anywhere.” Danny bent down and dropped a kiss on the top of Steve’s head. And, magically, that simple gesture made everything right. Steve knew Danny was telling the truth, that he was not going to reject him or abandon him and that his heart could not be in safer hands. Overwhelmed with relief, he surged to his feet again and pulled Danny into another fierce kiss, possessive and demanding.
“We really, really need to go back to the house,” Danny said when Steve eventually released him. “Now.”
***
Steve surfaced slowly from a deep, dreamless sleep, stretching luxuriously as he became conscious of his surroundings, the pull and burn of overworked muscles reminding him of the previous night’s activities. Turning his head, he found Danny gazing sleepily at him, hair all over the place and eyes crinkling into a smile.
“Hey,” Steve said softly, returning the smile. Danny pecked a quick kiss on his lips.
“You goof,” he said fondly but Steve had no trouble in interpreting the mild insult correctly.
“Yeah, me too,” he said.