white nights
jonghyun/onew ; ~1100 words ; pg-13
jonghyun and jinki get stuck in the snow. but where are they really?
originally written for kpop-ficmix here!
“give it time,” kibum says.
but jonghyun’s waited long enough, hasn’t he? there’s no watch on his wrist, but he knows there’s not many more ticks of the second hand. even if the batteries are still working, time’s about to run out. just the soft sound of snow falling will continue. silence.
kibum’s words are calm, clear, commanding. he knows. his voice rings in jonghyun’s ears; jonghyun can almost feel kibum’s cool breath brushing his ears. but where is kibum?
nothing. there is nothing but white all around jonghyun. even the sky is white with slight grey shadows on the bellies of the clouds. strange. he could have sworn it was nighttime. he was so looking forward to the stars.
“are you awake?” now it’s jinki’s voice. warm, unlike the white snow under him. and jinki’s here, sitting not too far away from him. but not too close.
jonghyun can’t answer. he’s seen where he is, but his eyelids have lost what little energy they gained in sleep and he can’t keep them from closing. his lips feel dry and heavy, burdened with cold and misunderstandings.
something hurts. something is off. jonghyun feels himself falling asleep, but he doesn’t think he’ll find the answers in his dreams.
he doesn’t know how they got here in the snow. but he vaguely remembers how they got here, sitting close and far apart like this.
he can’t give jinki any more time. he’s already given himself enough, and it’s no use. no point in troubling them both. silly emotions.
jonghyun can open his eyes now. jinki throws him a weak smile that’s so much more tired than usual. jonghyun falters, because only now does he remember that he’s seen this smile before: late at night or early in the morning, whatever you want to call it, when they’re both too exhausted to sleep. and maybe in some other moments that were so fleeting that jonghyun always thought he imagined things. imagined the weakness that jinki, not onew, showed him oh so briefly.
this is not the fearless leader he’s used to. sunshine isn’t spilling out of his smiling eyes like it used to. no reassurances of “it doesn’t hurt -- i’m onew!” no, this is someone else; this is a leader whose shoulders are aching from the weight of the world and can’t keep onto all his secrets as well. jonghyun would love to know some of those secrets, wouldn’t mind carrying some of the weight himself, but he doesn’t think he’s even capable of asking. do leaders like to share?
jinki looks over at him. “you’re hurt. we need to get you back.”
jonghyun agrees, but he doesn’t. “no. i like it here.”
jinki frowns. the gentlest stormcloud. “you’re hurt and the others are probably worrying--”
“yes, the others, but what about you?” jonghyun doesn’t know if he meant to say it out loud or not, but the bruises in his skin seem to deepen as jinki’s face falls. is that another weakness?
“you’re hurt. of course i care.”
jinki is so beautiful in the snow like this, surrounded by tall trees and white white white. maybe jonghyun’s falling asleep again, but it looks like the stars are starting to peek out from behind the clouds. jinki is gorgeous even when he’s lying. jonghyun’s lungs tremble as he inhales.
“don’t waste your words on lies,” jonghyun says, feeling like he’s echoing kibum.
“isn’t that what you should say to yourself?” jinki asks, his voice a little rougher. he sounds a little more like onew now, not the slightly depressed one but a reprimanding one. but these words could be kibum’s words as well.
who’s talking here?
“give it time,” kibum says. “but not too much time.”
but, jonghyun thinks, the clam shells are only becoming more closed off and tightly sealed as time flows by.
jonghyun wants to escape. these mountains and snow are secluded, yes, but if anything it’s worse. there are fewer distractions. his thoughts that he tries to keep hidden are impossible to avoid now, just like the snowflakes constantly dusting his skin and eyelashes.
and jinki is just there. no escaping that.
but jonghyun wants to escape to a world of his own liking that probably doesn’t exist. a quiet little town, not too far off from a city, with its own cobblestone streets and pleasantly golden lighting at night; with charming little alleys that aren’t too dirty and aren’t too dark but still have character; with a garden park or two with benches where he can sit anytime and hear the tune of a melancholy string quartet in the distance somewhere.
a place where he can have his own little life isn’t real, but it sounds so lovely. imagine if his only obligations were the stacks and stacks of books upon books and films in languages he doesn’t understand. he could lose himself in the feelings of others instead.
of course, jinki would probably still be there. anywhere.
jonghyun isn’t meant to have a little life anyways. his own head is too big for such a quaint idea. he’ll never escape.
sleep is no escape. exhaustion is simply a part of them now. physical. emotional. most everything.
drip drip drip. the snow no longer falls; is it still melting? or is jonghyun imagining things.
“you’re awake,” jinki finally says. it is jinki, not onew. he sounds so tired.
“yes,” jonghyun says simply. it seems as if more pain was sewn into his skin while he was asleep. it tightens now, like a drum being beaten. a steady rhythm humming bruises into his chest. is this why it hurts to breathe?
“there’s not enough time,” kibum says. kibum isn’t here. does he really know?
drip drip drip. his pulse throbs.
jonghyun feels like he’s already run out of time. can he even say what he’s thinking to jinki? should he say it? he could whisper it quietly, but it might not count if it drifts away in the snow. then again, maybe jinki would hear it after all. it’s so quiet.
jonghyun opens his mouth, then closes it. jinki isn’t looking at him anyways.
“i’m scared,” is all he can manage to utter. who hears him?
drip drip drip. is that a tear welling in the corner of his eye? drip drip drip. tears?
jonghyun is awake. he too is tired. but he wonders when it will snow again.
jonghyun and jinki get stuck in the snow. but where are they really?
originally written for kpop-ficmix here!
“give it time,” kibum says.
but jonghyun’s waited long enough, hasn’t he? there’s no watch on his wrist, but he knows there’s not many more ticks of the second hand. even if the batteries are still working, time’s about to run out. just the soft sound of snow falling will continue. silence.
kibum’s words are calm, clear, commanding. he knows. his voice rings in jonghyun’s ears; jonghyun can almost feel kibum’s cool breath brushing his ears. but where is kibum?
nothing. there is nothing but white all around jonghyun. even the sky is white with slight grey shadows on the bellies of the clouds. strange. he could have sworn it was nighttime. he was so looking forward to the stars.
“are you awake?” now it’s jinki’s voice. warm, unlike the white snow under him. and jinki’s here, sitting not too far away from him. but not too close.
jonghyun can’t answer. he’s seen where he is, but his eyelids have lost what little energy they gained in sleep and he can’t keep them from closing. his lips feel dry and heavy, burdened with cold and misunderstandings.
something hurts. something is off. jonghyun feels himself falling asleep, but he doesn’t think he’ll find the answers in his dreams.
he doesn’t know how they got here in the snow. but he vaguely remembers how they got here, sitting close and far apart like this.
he can’t give jinki any more time. he’s already given himself enough, and it’s no use. no point in troubling them both. silly emotions.
jonghyun can open his eyes now. jinki throws him a weak smile that’s so much more tired than usual. jonghyun falters, because only now does he remember that he’s seen this smile before: late at night or early in the morning, whatever you want to call it, when they’re both too exhausted to sleep. and maybe in some other moments that were so fleeting that jonghyun always thought he imagined things. imagined the weakness that jinki, not onew, showed him oh so briefly.
this is not the fearless leader he’s used to. sunshine isn’t spilling out of his smiling eyes like it used to. no reassurances of “it doesn’t hurt -- i’m onew!” no, this is someone else; this is a leader whose shoulders are aching from the weight of the world and can’t keep onto all his secrets as well. jonghyun would love to know some of those secrets, wouldn’t mind carrying some of the weight himself, but he doesn’t think he’s even capable of asking. do leaders like to share?
jinki looks over at him. “you’re hurt. we need to get you back.”
jonghyun agrees, but he doesn’t. “no. i like it here.”
jinki frowns. the gentlest stormcloud. “you’re hurt and the others are probably worrying--”
“yes, the others, but what about you?” jonghyun doesn’t know if he meant to say it out loud or not, but the bruises in his skin seem to deepen as jinki’s face falls. is that another weakness?
“you’re hurt. of course i care.”
jinki is so beautiful in the snow like this, surrounded by tall trees and white white white. maybe jonghyun’s falling asleep again, but it looks like the stars are starting to peek out from behind the clouds. jinki is gorgeous even when he’s lying. jonghyun’s lungs tremble as he inhales.
“don’t waste your words on lies,” jonghyun says, feeling like he’s echoing kibum.
“isn’t that what you should say to yourself?” jinki asks, his voice a little rougher. he sounds a little more like onew now, not the slightly depressed one but a reprimanding one. but these words could be kibum’s words as well.
who’s talking here?
“give it time,” kibum says. “but not too much time.”
but, jonghyun thinks, the clam shells are only becoming more closed off and tightly sealed as time flows by.
jonghyun wants to escape. these mountains and snow are secluded, yes, but if anything it’s worse. there are fewer distractions. his thoughts that he tries to keep hidden are impossible to avoid now, just like the snowflakes constantly dusting his skin and eyelashes.
and jinki is just there. no escaping that.
but jonghyun wants to escape to a world of his own liking that probably doesn’t exist. a quiet little town, not too far off from a city, with its own cobblestone streets and pleasantly golden lighting at night; with charming little alleys that aren’t too dirty and aren’t too dark but still have character; with a garden park or two with benches where he can sit anytime and hear the tune of a melancholy string quartet in the distance somewhere.
a place where he can have his own little life isn’t real, but it sounds so lovely. imagine if his only obligations were the stacks and stacks of books upon books and films in languages he doesn’t understand. he could lose himself in the feelings of others instead.
of course, jinki would probably still be there. anywhere.
jonghyun isn’t meant to have a little life anyways. his own head is too big for such a quaint idea. he’ll never escape.
sleep is no escape. exhaustion is simply a part of them now. physical. emotional. most everything.
drip drip drip. the snow no longer falls; is it still melting? or is jonghyun imagining things.
“you’re awake,” jinki finally says. it is jinki, not onew. he sounds so tired.
“yes,” jonghyun says simply. it seems as if more pain was sewn into his skin while he was asleep. it tightens now, like a drum being beaten. a steady rhythm humming bruises into his chest. is this why it hurts to breathe?
“there’s not enough time,” kibum says. kibum isn’t here. does he really know?
drip drip drip. his pulse throbs.
jonghyun feels like he’s already run out of time. can he even say what he’s thinking to jinki? should he say it? he could whisper it quietly, but it might not count if it drifts away in the snow. then again, maybe jinki would hear it after all. it’s so quiet.
jonghyun opens his mouth, then closes it. jinki isn’t looking at him anyways.
“i’m scared,” is all he can manage to utter. who hears him?
drip drip drip. is that a tear welling in the corner of his eye? drip drip drip. tears?
jonghyun is awake. he too is tired. but he wonders when it will snow again.