One Year
It's January 23rd again. I guess technically one year would have been yesterday (sunday) but I'm not feeling real technical right now. I had the most awful time last night. I'm pretty sure I was watching Strong Medicine while trying to fall asleep and something in the show triggered something in me and the flood gates opened up nice and wide. The last memory I have before falling to sleep is wiping tears away with my blanket.
Who could have ever imagined 367 days ago that 366 days ago I would be in the hospital fighting with myself for my life? It is awful to think about. I'm so relieved to be living but honestly right now I don't feel alive. I promised myself that once I got better things were gonna be different...I was gonna be different...I was gonna make things happen. None of that happened. I can feel myself falling apart emotionally, mentally, and physically. I guess part of the problem is that I'm scared of what might happen. Everything was going so well and then BAM!.. Now its like I don't even know if anything's worth the attempt anymore because things might get messed up again.
For the last year I've tried to convince myself that everything is fine and that I don't need any help. I am wrong. Very wrong. Obviously a year later I still haven't dealt with what happened or even accepted the magnitude of it. For my entire life I've always thought that birthdays were a big deal. After 2005, I'd rather just skip February 9th altogether from now on. What hurts the most is that I feel like everybody else has forgotten what happened and what I've been through. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me...I want them to remember that I'm still here and not only that, but I'm different now and I might need to rely on people a little bit more.
How do you go back and redo an entire year of your life? I need to pick up right where I got interrupted at but I can't seem to make that happen. I don't even know anymore.
Who could have ever imagined 367 days ago that 366 days ago I would be in the hospital fighting with myself for my life? It is awful to think about. I'm so relieved to be living but honestly right now I don't feel alive. I promised myself that once I got better things were gonna be different...I was gonna be different...I was gonna make things happen. None of that happened. I can feel myself falling apart emotionally, mentally, and physically. I guess part of the problem is that I'm scared of what might happen. Everything was going so well and then BAM!.. Now its like I don't even know if anything's worth the attempt anymore because things might get messed up again.
For the last year I've tried to convince myself that everything is fine and that I don't need any help. I am wrong. Very wrong. Obviously a year later I still haven't dealt with what happened or even accepted the magnitude of it. For my entire life I've always thought that birthdays were a big deal. After 2005, I'd rather just skip February 9th altogether from now on. What hurts the most is that I feel like everybody else has forgotten what happened and what I've been through. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me...I want them to remember that I'm still here and not only that, but I'm different now and I might need to rely on people a little bit more.
How do you go back and redo an entire year of your life? I need to pick up right where I got interrupted at but I can't seem to make that happen. I don't even know anymore.