(no subject)
I am having trouble with my life. I don't have direction. I have no unique hobbies, live a dull suburban life, have too many luxuries to know how life really is, and I don't have any ambitions.
It's hitting home because it's true to some degree. I sent a text to some friends asking about one good quality I have. I appreciate the comments I got from all of you and I hope I can maintain those attributes for the rest of my life. There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. I can't put blame on anyone but myself.
I wish I could LITERALLY change my life, but I don't want to stop some of the things currently in it. Well, it's my friends, pets and possessions I don't want to change. Everything else I want to change. The relationship I have with my family, change my work ethics, my location and the place where I am in life. I could be so much farther than where I am that it makes me sick when I think about it.
I have made some pretty dumb choices in my life and now I'm facing the consequences. I have told lies to my parents about school and tickets. I used to steal. (Not from any friends, by the way) I am in debt. I have lied to myself about the quality of life I have.
I have 3 wonderful cats. I should only have one. This prevents me from being able to travel. I have a lot of "stuff". That prevents me from being able to move out of the state [easily]. I am great at managing my money, but horrible at saving it. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but it does to me. I don't know if the lifetsyle I lead is what causes all my health problems or not, but those keep me down in life too.
I feel selfish when I talk about the problems I have sometimes because I forget to ask how my friends are doing. With this new medication I hoped everything would change quickly. I was wrong. Before Friday. April 18th, I was taking BC, 150mg of Wellbutrin [anti-depressant] and 40mg of Celexa [anti-anxiety]. Now I'm taking 25mg of Lamictal [mood stabilizer] BC, and still 40mg of Celexa.
I don't know if I'm feeling shitty like this because of the change in meds or because I'm finally seeing what my parents have been seeing for the past 16 years. I have the most amazing group of friends right now. No back-stabbing or drama. It's all me. I'm not doing as much volunteering as needed, not dedicating my time to finding a job (although I am interviewing a lot, no one seems to want me) and I'm not trying to lose weight.
I have all the time in the world to get these things done but I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself because that way I don't have to do anything. I might as well commit myself so no one needs to deal with me anymore. I'm not trying to have a pity party, I'm not trying to get attention. I just want to feel better.
I stress out my dad (and mom) with money, my life and the choices I make. I don't know why I do that. My grandmother worries about me when she shouldn't need to. All her other grandkids are doing just fine. The Dorns have graduated college, my dad's side is doing well...my family has done so many good things for me, and here I am effing up my life.
I AM SO SORRY TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I HURT IN MY LIFE.