i like 'em broken
last night was the worst since surgery. g's entire arm was one huge muscle spasm. after hours of meds, heat, cold, deep breathing...it finally improved...sort of.
g commented that he was broken. i said i'm ok with broken & i much prefer his physically broken over mentally broken any day.
throughout the sleepless night i thought about this remark and how much it rings true. i would much rather help g recover from surgery than be emotionally effected by the mentally broken guys i've dated - manipulators like it was an art form, highly involved cheaters, egomaniacs, dysfunctional alcoholics, passive-aggressive abusers, self-destructives...i could keep going, but to what purpose?!
so while i don't ask for a repeat of last night, i am happy this is the nature of our troubles - pain. physical, healing pain. a much much easier woe to swallow than wondering if my boyfriend is fucking one of my friends, or calling hospitals and police stations when he fails to come home, or standing frozen as he hits & throws my cat. tending to my love in agony!?! awake with helpless worry!?! hoping the pills work and he doesn't od!?! these are passing struggles and i can take it!