"Happiness is..." - Chapter 4
Chapter: 4 ~ “Heart and Soul”
Author’s Notes: For Robin!
*~*~*
The diner was one of those places that was out of a movie. It was old fashioned and simple. It didn’t substitute the beef patty on the hamburger for one of turkey or a concoction of smashed veggies and rice. Grease was a big staple, but so was comfort.
They sat in a booth in the back right corner, so they were away from people and the restrooms the people would eventually need to use. Calleigh sat there staring at the metallic surface of the table and swirled her finger around it. She was starting to feel like she didn’t want to discuss anything… She knew it needed to be done, but it still made it hard. Calleigh couldn’t think of how she was so amazingly different. If everyone noticed, did that mean she was acting rather horrible and rude to her friends? She wanted answers, but also wasn’t sure she wanted that truth.
“Would you like some coffee?”
Horatio tore his gaze from Calleigh and directed his attention to the waitress. She was an older woman with light graying hair and a screwed on smile. She was wearing the standard waitressing uniform. White blouse with the name of the diner and her name embroidered on the left breast side, a black short type of fifties skirt with a small white poodle embroidered on it, and a tiny white half apron that only covered half of the skirt. “Two please,” he answered and watched as she pulled two plain off white ceramic mugs from where they had been resting upside down on the far end of the table next to the wall. She flipped them both and then quickly filled them with the hot dark brew.
Once the waitress was gone, he turned his attention back to Calleigh. She hadn’t touched the coffee and Horatio wondered if she was even away of its presence. Reaching out, he pulled her hands to the coffee mug, so that they encircled it and then felt her fingers curl around the warm glossy surface. “I’m not going to judge you in any way, Sweetheart,” Horatio whispered.
His words felt warm and comforting, and she believed him...she just wasn’t sure she was ready to spill everything. She hated showing all her cards, to be seen as weak, to crumble, and to completely breakdown. “Tim’s death…” she started, her voice full of pain and slowly breaking. “We were all so close,” she whispered staring down at the coffee. Horatio’s pushing the container of sugar packets towards her didn’t go unnoticed. Reaching out she took two, broke them open, and let the sugar crystals fall into the bitter liquid. She took a hold of the offered spoon and stirred it sweet.
“Tim would have never wanted you to hurt like this,” Horatio told her softly and gently.
“How did you move on?” Calleigh asked as she pulled the cup to her lips. It wasn’t only Tim Speedle’s death that she knew Horatio had to cope with over the years. He’d lost his brother…twice, Tim, Hagen, and Marisol.
Horatio looked up at her amazed by her question. “I haven’t,” he told her truthfully. “I’m scared that one day another of my CSIs will be killed…”
Calleigh set her coffee cup back down. She was slightly comforted by the fact that she wasn’t the only one who was stuck on Tim’s death. “Sometimes it’s hard to imagine going through the next day…”
His hand crossed the table and took a hold of hers, “You don’t have to go through life alone, Calleigh,” Horatio told her gently. “Time away from the lab could be good for you,” Horatio brought up.
“I’m at the lab no more than you are,” Calleigh defended. A small smile slipped into place. “We’re just very dedicated people.”
“You should take time for yourself, Calleigh,” Horatio told her. “Go on a vacation, go to a day spa, or just catch up on some reading…”
Calleigh smiled, “The first two aren’t any fun on your own,” Calleigh pointed out. “And the last…I suppose could be a possibility.”
“Perhaps books with subjects that have nothing to do with work.”
“It still doesn’t make life better,” Calleigh told him.
“How so?”
“They’re all still gone,” she explained. “The only thing that keeps me going right now is lookin’ out for Eric,” she said, but was interrupted.
“Because of the accident?” he asked and watched as she nodded. He had noticed that ever since Eric’s near death experience that Calleigh had been extremely protective and was always looking out for their friend.
“And then I try to remember the lives we save,” Calleigh finished.
Horatio nodded, the lives they saved and especially the children were what Horatio clung to. “But having a life outside the lab-”
“I used to think that was possible,” Calleigh interrupted. “But not anymore.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked tilting his head a bit before sipping his coffee.
“Look at all the men I’ve ever cared about,” Calleigh explained. “Jake Berkeley who I went out with durin’ my time at the academy and even more recently is definitely the bad boy type, but also immature. He doesn’t respect me and I doubt he ever will. Jake also has issues with committing to relationships, let alone putting another person first. John didn’t respect me as a CSI or a cop…and when we broke up…he…” Calleigh’s voice broke and she covered her face.
He watched her and could see the pain. “Calleigh, John had problems before you two dated… His death was not your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have broken up with him,” she whispered and sniffled a bit.
“Calleigh, the problem was that none of them respect you or your place at CSI or in the department.”
“I just…maybe there’s no one out there for me and I’m meant to be alone in life,” Calleigh told him. “I think Eric’s been gettin’ the wrong idea… He’s a good guy, just not the right one…”
Horatio gave her a small smile, “You’ve got it wrong. You can never be alone, Calleigh. I will always be here for you…”
It was comforting in a way to hear him say those things. Calleigh stayed quiet for a while and then noticed the waitress was returning. She looked rather unhappy, but Calleigh didn’t think she’d be happy either dealing with unhappy, rude, and indecisive people all day.
“What can I get you two besides coffee?”
“Ummm…” Horatio said while flipping open the menu quickly. “I’ll have the hamburger, please.”
“Fries? Fruit? Potato salad?”
Horatio pondered the question a moment before responding, “I’ll have the fruit.”
“And for you?”
Calleigh hadn’t even thought about food and was trying to find something to eat, but her brain wasn’t absorbing anything she saw. “I’ll just have a salad.”
“What kind, Honey? Chef? Caesar? Greek? Chicken?”
“Uhh…the chef salad, please,” Calleigh answered quickly.
“I’ll let you think about what kind of dressing you’d like and I’ll get it when your salad’s up.”
Calleigh just pushed forward a tightly pressed smile. “Thanks.” She waited until the older woman collected the menus and left before continuing her conversation with Horatio. “You know maybe you should take the advice you’re giving me…”
“I want a family,” Horatio admitted. It wasn’t a secret. Most people who knew him knew that family was something he wanted. He loved children, and thought that he got on quite well with them. But the family he had…had been taken away quickly and brutally. “But it doesn’t seem like the odds are good for my family… Marisol was targeted because of me…” He hung his head a bit thinking about his late wife.
Calleigh understood his fears, but it could happen with anyone in their kind of position in law enforcement. “You have her life, Horatio… You gave her hope and happiness…even if it wasn’t for very long.”
“I have my own problems with women…” And he did. Not only did he have to find one with similar morals, but also one that wasn’t targeted so easily… He’d not only lost a wife, but a prior love interest.
Calleigh stirred her coffee absentmindedly, “Maybe…we just need to have our own family.”
Horatio looked up at her and his eyes lit up at the thought. He studied her a minute trying to figure out her intentions. “Calleigh, are you serious?”
She shrugged a bit, “I’m not exactly in the best position to have a child at the moment, but that damn biological clock is tickin’.”
“What about if we discuss it in a year? If neither of us are in relationships?”
She nodded and then laughed lightly, “You know we’re workaholics and impossible if we’re planning for a baby.”
“I’d be a beautiful baby…”
She smiled at the thought and took a moment to seriously think about the ‘deal’ at hand. She and Horatio got along perfectly and they were a lot alike. They agreed on everything at work, why not the same with child rearing? “What do you think about spankin’ a child?” Calleigh tested to make sure her theory was right.
“I don’t believe in it…or a child being hit…it’s wrong,” Horatio responded.
Calleigh nodded. He had passed, but she had already known he would. “I think that talking next year about havin’ a baby would be wonderful.” She smiled and allowed herself to smile brighter than normal. For some reason it felt completely different.
She felt happy…
She felt hope.
*~*~*
TBC…
Author’s Notes: For Robin!
*~*~*
The diner was one of those places that was out of a movie. It was old fashioned and simple. It didn’t substitute the beef patty on the hamburger for one of turkey or a concoction of smashed veggies and rice. Grease was a big staple, but so was comfort.
They sat in a booth in the back right corner, so they were away from people and the restrooms the people would eventually need to use. Calleigh sat there staring at the metallic surface of the table and swirled her finger around it. She was starting to feel like she didn’t want to discuss anything… She knew it needed to be done, but it still made it hard. Calleigh couldn’t think of how she was so amazingly different. If everyone noticed, did that mean she was acting rather horrible and rude to her friends? She wanted answers, but also wasn’t sure she wanted that truth.
“Would you like some coffee?”
Horatio tore his gaze from Calleigh and directed his attention to the waitress. She was an older woman with light graying hair and a screwed on smile. She was wearing the standard waitressing uniform. White blouse with the name of the diner and her name embroidered on the left breast side, a black short type of fifties skirt with a small white poodle embroidered on it, and a tiny white half apron that only covered half of the skirt. “Two please,” he answered and watched as she pulled two plain off white ceramic mugs from where they had been resting upside down on the far end of the table next to the wall. She flipped them both and then quickly filled them with the hot dark brew.
Once the waitress was gone, he turned his attention back to Calleigh. She hadn’t touched the coffee and Horatio wondered if she was even away of its presence. Reaching out, he pulled her hands to the coffee mug, so that they encircled it and then felt her fingers curl around the warm glossy surface. “I’m not going to judge you in any way, Sweetheart,” Horatio whispered.
His words felt warm and comforting, and she believed him...she just wasn’t sure she was ready to spill everything. She hated showing all her cards, to be seen as weak, to crumble, and to completely breakdown. “Tim’s death…” she started, her voice full of pain and slowly breaking. “We were all so close,” she whispered staring down at the coffee. Horatio’s pushing the container of sugar packets towards her didn’t go unnoticed. Reaching out she took two, broke them open, and let the sugar crystals fall into the bitter liquid. She took a hold of the offered spoon and stirred it sweet.
“Tim would have never wanted you to hurt like this,” Horatio told her softly and gently.
“How did you move on?” Calleigh asked as she pulled the cup to her lips. It wasn’t only Tim Speedle’s death that she knew Horatio had to cope with over the years. He’d lost his brother…twice, Tim, Hagen, and Marisol.
Horatio looked up at her amazed by her question. “I haven’t,” he told her truthfully. “I’m scared that one day another of my CSIs will be killed…”
Calleigh set her coffee cup back down. She was slightly comforted by the fact that she wasn’t the only one who was stuck on Tim’s death. “Sometimes it’s hard to imagine going through the next day…”
His hand crossed the table and took a hold of hers, “You don’t have to go through life alone, Calleigh,” Horatio told her gently. “Time away from the lab could be good for you,” Horatio brought up.
“I’m at the lab no more than you are,” Calleigh defended. A small smile slipped into place. “We’re just very dedicated people.”
“You should take time for yourself, Calleigh,” Horatio told her. “Go on a vacation, go to a day spa, or just catch up on some reading…”
Calleigh smiled, “The first two aren’t any fun on your own,” Calleigh pointed out. “And the last…I suppose could be a possibility.”
“Perhaps books with subjects that have nothing to do with work.”
“It still doesn’t make life better,” Calleigh told him.
“How so?”
“They’re all still gone,” she explained. “The only thing that keeps me going right now is lookin’ out for Eric,” she said, but was interrupted.
“Because of the accident?” he asked and watched as she nodded. He had noticed that ever since Eric’s near death experience that Calleigh had been extremely protective and was always looking out for their friend.
“And then I try to remember the lives we save,” Calleigh finished.
Horatio nodded, the lives they saved and especially the children were what Horatio clung to. “But having a life outside the lab-”
“I used to think that was possible,” Calleigh interrupted. “But not anymore.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked tilting his head a bit before sipping his coffee.
“Look at all the men I’ve ever cared about,” Calleigh explained. “Jake Berkeley who I went out with durin’ my time at the academy and even more recently is definitely the bad boy type, but also immature. He doesn’t respect me and I doubt he ever will. Jake also has issues with committing to relationships, let alone putting another person first. John didn’t respect me as a CSI or a cop…and when we broke up…he…” Calleigh’s voice broke and she covered her face.
He watched her and could see the pain. “Calleigh, John had problems before you two dated… His death was not your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have broken up with him,” she whispered and sniffled a bit.
“Calleigh, the problem was that none of them respect you or your place at CSI or in the department.”
“I just…maybe there’s no one out there for me and I’m meant to be alone in life,” Calleigh told him. “I think Eric’s been gettin’ the wrong idea… He’s a good guy, just not the right one…”
Horatio gave her a small smile, “You’ve got it wrong. You can never be alone, Calleigh. I will always be here for you…”
It was comforting in a way to hear him say those things. Calleigh stayed quiet for a while and then noticed the waitress was returning. She looked rather unhappy, but Calleigh didn’t think she’d be happy either dealing with unhappy, rude, and indecisive people all day.
“What can I get you two besides coffee?”
“Ummm…” Horatio said while flipping open the menu quickly. “I’ll have the hamburger, please.”
“Fries? Fruit? Potato salad?”
Horatio pondered the question a moment before responding, “I’ll have the fruit.”
“And for you?”
Calleigh hadn’t even thought about food and was trying to find something to eat, but her brain wasn’t absorbing anything she saw. “I’ll just have a salad.”
“What kind, Honey? Chef? Caesar? Greek? Chicken?”
“Uhh…the chef salad, please,” Calleigh answered quickly.
“I’ll let you think about what kind of dressing you’d like and I’ll get it when your salad’s up.”
Calleigh just pushed forward a tightly pressed smile. “Thanks.” She waited until the older woman collected the menus and left before continuing her conversation with Horatio. “You know maybe you should take the advice you’re giving me…”
“I want a family,” Horatio admitted. It wasn’t a secret. Most people who knew him knew that family was something he wanted. He loved children, and thought that he got on quite well with them. But the family he had…had been taken away quickly and brutally. “But it doesn’t seem like the odds are good for my family… Marisol was targeted because of me…” He hung his head a bit thinking about his late wife.
Calleigh understood his fears, but it could happen with anyone in their kind of position in law enforcement. “You have her life, Horatio… You gave her hope and happiness…even if it wasn’t for very long.”
“I have my own problems with women…” And he did. Not only did he have to find one with similar morals, but also one that wasn’t targeted so easily… He’d not only lost a wife, but a prior love interest.
Calleigh stirred her coffee absentmindedly, “Maybe…we just need to have our own family.”
Horatio looked up at her and his eyes lit up at the thought. He studied her a minute trying to figure out her intentions. “Calleigh, are you serious?”
She shrugged a bit, “I’m not exactly in the best position to have a child at the moment, but that damn biological clock is tickin’.”
“What about if we discuss it in a year? If neither of us are in relationships?”
She nodded and then laughed lightly, “You know we’re workaholics and impossible if we’re planning for a baby.”
“I’d be a beautiful baby…”
She smiled at the thought and took a moment to seriously think about the ‘deal’ at hand. She and Horatio got along perfectly and they were a lot alike. They agreed on everything at work, why not the same with child rearing? “What do you think about spankin’ a child?” Calleigh tested to make sure her theory was right.
“I don’t believe in it…or a child being hit…it’s wrong,” Horatio responded.
Calleigh nodded. He had passed, but she had already known he would. “I think that talking next year about havin’ a baby would be wonderful.” She smiled and allowed herself to smile brighter than normal. For some reason it felt completely different.
She felt happy…
She felt hope.
*~*~*
TBC…