Week Three: Coprolite
I actually had to go to Dictionary.com when this topic was posted because I had no idea what coprolite was. I read the definition and examples of usage and had a little temper tantrum. How in the world was I going to write about fossilized poop? Seriously? WTF was Gary thinking?!?!? I have been pretty much freaking out over this topic all week. And then, out of nowhere an idea came to me while I was at work on Saturday...
I carry grudges. I always have. I might give someone a second or even a third chance, but I never forget or completely forgive any hurt they've caused me. I really try to, but I just don't have it in me. I know that's not good. But I can't see it as completely bad either. I never fully trust those people again. And I usually expect the worst of other people too. I wear the coprolite of my past like body armor.
You were supposed to protect me and keep me safe. You were supposed to love me. No matter what. But instead you delivered me to him on a silver platter and always chose him over me.
You made me think that you were a good person with good morals and values. But instead you beat me and broke me down and kept me locked away from everyone and everything that I loved.
You were so beautiful way back then. Those big brown eyes and that contagious laugh. You pretended to be excited that we were having a baby and then moved out while I was at work. If it wasn't for your mother you would never have had any sort of relationship with your daughter at all. And now I wish that your mother had minded her own business because you've shown that you haven't changed or grown up at all.
You. You were supposed to be stable and responsible. A family man. The only family you cared about was your mom and grandma. You wanted to get married because all of your friends were. I wish I had seen that. You weren't there when he had colic or she wouldn't sleep. And now you want to badmouth me and claim to have always been the perfect parent? Other people might buy that story. But not me. I was there. It was me holding two screaming babies while you left to go to your parents house because you couldn't hear the TV over the kids.
You were so broken. I thought I could fix you. Make you happy and give you everything that she took away. And I tried. And tried. And tried. I got your son back. I put hours and hours into that. And I asked little of you. Keep a job. Be responsible with money. It never happened. And I finally reached my breaking point. We're sort of friends now, but I haven't forgotten or completely forgiven the things that only we know about.
You were suppose to be my best friend. But instead you lied to me. Lied about me. Made a very personal and private part of my life into a drama for you to enjoy. Played me against someone that I loved and completely destroyed a chance at us ever even being friends. I love you. But I don't know if I ever can or will forgive you even a little.
You had me at hello. I know that's a cheesy movie line but it's true. From the minute we were introduced I couldn't get you out of my head. Of course it didn't help that you pursued me with the force of an oncoming train. LJ comments, chatting, emails, and phone calls. You promised me the world. I gave up practically everything I owned for you. Because you promised love and stability and security. And instead I ended up 1600 miles away from everything I'd known. No family. No friends. I can almost thank you for that. It was good for me. But I'll never forgive the lies, the mind games, the push and pull. You were never the man you liked to pretend to be.
You both have been my friends since we were kids. But you both let me down. One of you turned on me and lied about me. You had no room or right to talk about my parenting skills. It's not as if you're the mother of the year. We're sort of friends again but I want you to know that I will NEVER forgive you for that. And we will never be friends like we used to be. And you, you promised to come with me and stand up for me. Then ran away to avoid being served. After everything I have done for you over the years that was the lowest of the low. And I won't ever forgive you either.
You have been the great love of my life. Until a few years ago you were the one that got away. Then you showed up again. Looking for me after 18 years. You spent hours talking to me. You spent a week with me. You said you wanted to be with me and asked me to move back here so we could be together. And now I've learned that this whole time, you have lied to me. You have lied about me. You have cheated. And still, I love you. I still offer my heart to you day after day. I don't know that I will ever completely trust you again. Or that I will ever completely forgive you. But I am trying my hardest. Trying harder than I ever have in an relationship. I do love you. I want to be with you. That is why I'm still here and still making the effort. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks about our relationship. Because we are the only ones who matter. It's OUR relationship. OUR life. Not theirs.
These are a few pieces of my coprolite. And I keep them close and carefully polished. As if they were gold or diamonds instead of black, hardened, pieces of crap. Maybe one day I will be able to turn them into actual gems. The jewels of life lived and lessons learned.
I carry grudges. I always have. I might give someone a second or even a third chance, but I never forget or completely forgive any hurt they've caused me. I really try to, but I just don't have it in me. I know that's not good. But I can't see it as completely bad either. I never fully trust those people again. And I usually expect the worst of other people too. I wear the coprolite of my past like body armor.
You were supposed to protect me and keep me safe. You were supposed to love me. No matter what. But instead you delivered me to him on a silver platter and always chose him over me.
You made me think that you were a good person with good morals and values. But instead you beat me and broke me down and kept me locked away from everyone and everything that I loved.
You were so beautiful way back then. Those big brown eyes and that contagious laugh. You pretended to be excited that we were having a baby and then moved out while I was at work. If it wasn't for your mother you would never have had any sort of relationship with your daughter at all. And now I wish that your mother had minded her own business because you've shown that you haven't changed or grown up at all.
You. You were supposed to be stable and responsible. A family man. The only family you cared about was your mom and grandma. You wanted to get married because all of your friends were. I wish I had seen that. You weren't there when he had colic or she wouldn't sleep. And now you want to badmouth me and claim to have always been the perfect parent? Other people might buy that story. But not me. I was there. It was me holding two screaming babies while you left to go to your parents house because you couldn't hear the TV over the kids.
You were so broken. I thought I could fix you. Make you happy and give you everything that she took away. And I tried. And tried. And tried. I got your son back. I put hours and hours into that. And I asked little of you. Keep a job. Be responsible with money. It never happened. And I finally reached my breaking point. We're sort of friends now, but I haven't forgotten or completely forgiven the things that only we know about.
You were suppose to be my best friend. But instead you lied to me. Lied about me. Made a very personal and private part of my life into a drama for you to enjoy. Played me against someone that I loved and completely destroyed a chance at us ever even being friends. I love you. But I don't know if I ever can or will forgive you even a little.
You had me at hello. I know that's a cheesy movie line but it's true. From the minute we were introduced I couldn't get you out of my head. Of course it didn't help that you pursued me with the force of an oncoming train. LJ comments, chatting, emails, and phone calls. You promised me the world. I gave up practically everything I owned for you. Because you promised love and stability and security. And instead I ended up 1600 miles away from everything I'd known. No family. No friends. I can almost thank you for that. It was good for me. But I'll never forgive the lies, the mind games, the push and pull. You were never the man you liked to pretend to be.
You both have been my friends since we were kids. But you both let me down. One of you turned on me and lied about me. You had no room or right to talk about my parenting skills. It's not as if you're the mother of the year. We're sort of friends again but I want you to know that I will NEVER forgive you for that. And we will never be friends like we used to be. And you, you promised to come with me and stand up for me. Then ran away to avoid being served. After everything I have done for you over the years that was the lowest of the low. And I won't ever forgive you either.
You have been the great love of my life. Until a few years ago you were the one that got away. Then you showed up again. Looking for me after 18 years. You spent hours talking to me. You spent a week with me. You said you wanted to be with me and asked me to move back here so we could be together. And now I've learned that this whole time, you have lied to me. You have lied about me. You have cheated. And still, I love you. I still offer my heart to you day after day. I don't know that I will ever completely trust you again. Or that I will ever completely forgive you. But I am trying my hardest. Trying harder than I ever have in an relationship. I do love you. I want to be with you. That is why I'm still here and still making the effort. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks about our relationship. Because we are the only ones who matter. It's OUR relationship. OUR life. Not theirs.
These are a few pieces of my coprolite. And I keep them close and carefully polished. As if they were gold or diamonds instead of black, hardened, pieces of crap. Maybe one day I will be able to turn them into actual gems. The jewels of life lived and lessons learned.