Just for the record...
note: i woke up this morning (the day after writing this) and almost screamed when I realizes what I had done. So I'm going to erase par of this entry, and hope that no-one other than Melody saw what was originally written. Things that seen lke a good idea when you're really tired and its midnight really should not be done, because chances are they're REALLY BAD IDEAS!!!! The rest of this is original, just missing a few bits of honesty.
I know I just wrote, and I know it was long and meaningless, but please read this becasue this is where I say the important stuff.
For the past while I have had very little contact with anyone from school, or really anyone my age at all. I'm lonely, but being by myself has made me think. I really admire a lot of people, and they don't know it. Most of the people I care about dpn't really know it, andI think a lot of people feel the same way. Yet still, we are constantly complaining about each othe, and fighting, and never tellting people what rwe really mean. Or maybe I'm just imagining thinkgs, andI'm the only one like that. I don't know, but I do know that I'm tired of not being able to tell people what I really feel. I don't care what the reasons are, or why it might be better to just stay quiet, but I don't care right now. For reasons I can't really explin, I feel kind of betrayed by someone who I really care about, and even though it isn't his fault, I wish I could just scream at him for awhile. Instead, I'm going to try and just tell some of the truth, and I don't care If i regret it later, because I"m tired of hiding things.
PERSON X, the most frustrating person in the world, is causing my heart to be slowly ripped into several very jagged peices. Helping him along is PERSON Y, the one who doesn't use Livejournal or anything like it. I don't care if it's entirly my own fault that I don't know what I want, and am incapable of getting over things, it still hurts and I don't care if people think I'm crazy, but the fact that, I care about PERSON X more than ever, and I miss talking to PERSON Y more than I ever thought I could, means that I am sitting here angry and lonely and wishing I could forget about both of them for ever and ever! PERSON X loves someone else, and has for years, and I was a bitch to both of them, and I really don't want to have anything with either of them, but I do want to stop caring! I do want to stop caring that I am in inarticulate, insensitive bitch who can't say anything to any one, especially not people I realy care about (with a few exceptions) other than things that mean nothing,or have nothing to do with what I really do want to say.
So I guess I'm saying sorry, to both of those boys, and all the other ones I've treated terribly over the years. But please make meforget about you, or at least let me figure things out!And I don't care how much PERSON X would laugh if he read this, because then I'll have a reason to hate him and forget about him and I suppose that could possibly be a sort of closure... at least it will be better than what I have now... NOTHING!
I apologize to everyone who reads this soul-baring rant, but I'm tired of never saying anything when it matters.
I know I just wrote, and I know it was long and meaningless, but please read this becasue this is where I say the important stuff.
For the past while I have had very little contact with anyone from school, or really anyone my age at all. I'm lonely, but being by myself has made me think. I really admire a lot of people, and they don't know it. Most of the people I care about dpn't really know it, andI think a lot of people feel the same way. Yet still, we are constantly complaining about each othe, and fighting, and never tellting people what rwe really mean. Or maybe I'm just imagining thinkgs, andI'm the only one like that. I don't know, but I do know that I'm tired of not being able to tell people what I really feel. I don't care what the reasons are, or why it might be better to just stay quiet, but I don't care right now. For reasons I can't really explin, I feel kind of betrayed by someone who I really care about, and even though it isn't his fault, I wish I could just scream at him for awhile. Instead, I'm going to try and just tell some of the truth, and I don't care If i regret it later, because I"m tired of hiding things.
PERSON X, the most frustrating person in the world, is causing my heart to be slowly ripped into several very jagged peices. Helping him along is PERSON Y, the one who doesn't use Livejournal or anything like it. I don't care if it's entirly my own fault that I don't know what I want, and am incapable of getting over things, it still hurts and I don't care if people think I'm crazy, but the fact that, I care about PERSON X more than ever, and I miss talking to PERSON Y more than I ever thought I could, means that I am sitting here angry and lonely and wishing I could forget about both of them for ever and ever! PERSON X loves someone else, and has for years, and I was a bitch to both of them, and I really don't want to have anything with either of them, but I do want to stop caring! I do want to stop caring that I am in inarticulate, insensitive bitch who can't say anything to any one, especially not people I realy care about (with a few exceptions) other than things that mean nothing,or have nothing to do with what I really do want to say.
So I guess I'm saying sorry, to both of those boys, and all the other ones I've treated terribly over the years. But please make meforget about you, or at least let me figure things out!And I don't care how much PERSON X would laugh if he read this, because then I'll have a reason to hate him and forget about him and I suppose that could possibly be a sort of closure... at least it will be better than what I have now... NOTHING!
I apologize to everyone who reads this soul-baring rant, but I'm tired of never saying anything when it matters.