detox
i've spent a considerable amount of time alone over the past few days. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. some good came of this.
when i'm alone and not really doing anything of mass importance i tend to think. i know this is starting to sound scary, so please, brace yourself.
lately i've been feeling like something, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional, or all of the above, isnt right. when i discovered that i wasnt feeling "normal" or even more abnormal than usual, i compliled a mental list of the things that are right, and more importantly a list of things that i can see arent quite right.
physically, i have a lot going for me. i'm not too tall, nor am i too short. i have an extremely large chest which seems to only be getting larger as my waist shrinks. i constantly get compliments on my hair, and even more so on my skin/hair color combo. i have decent muscle tone thanks to my *amazing* job, and really, i'm not THAT out of shape. now for things that are WRONG, physically. i could lose a few more pounds. i'm working on it and am doing quite well. however, i wont be happy until i'm sitting at 130 lbs. my teeth need a professional whitening done. the white strips work well, but i want them done by a real doctor so the results will last a lil longer. my hair needs to be a lil longer. i havent had long hair in forever. i miss it :( and i could use some color on my skin.
all of the issues i have with myself, physically, are of course strictly cosmetic and i have the power to fix everything. it's just not an over night success.
mentally, i think i have a great mind. sure i have random thoughts at times but who doesnt? i do tend to over analyze things sometimes. i could always benefit from having a lil more knowledge about everything, really. though i do think i'm somewhat intelligent. mentally, things seem to be ok. there isnt too much of a problem to speak of.
emotionally, i'm a mess. maybe thats where the extreme feelings of uneasiness are coming from. there are times when i want to be loved and touched and hugged and kissed but in the next moment i want to be left alone. i want to be there for someone and have them be there for me, but sometimes i just need my space. i just want to be able to breathe and not have to worry about if i called that significant other or if they're mad at me because i've been distant. there are times when i just want to be me.
i'm slowly realizing that i have some negative feelings and thoughts about my childhood. it wasnt a cake walk and by no means was it "normal". i dont know how to tell people, especially family members, that i'm not happy with how things were. i dont know how to say "when you fail to even as much as call me on my birthday or christmas it hurts. you may as well tell me you hate me." of my family back home, i have the least amount of contact with my dad. i can see if he's still upset with the circumstances of how i moved to texas, but he is the adult and it kills me to go all day on a holiday or my birthday knowing he didnt make an effort to as much as call or acknowledge my presence in his life. i am, afterall, his first born.
i suppose that looking back i can safely say i didnt have much of a childhood. sure i was involved in activities like basketball and cheering and such, but as much as i was involved with that i was also raising two kids and taking care of my grandmother. it takes a lot out of a person.
ok, so i dont feel much better. something still isnt right and i dont know what to say. i dont know what to do to make it any better. i suppose the first step is finding the problem in order to fix it but i dont know what the problem is or even where to start. *sigh* i'll be around if any one feels like doing anything. peace out.
when i'm alone and not really doing anything of mass importance i tend to think. i know this is starting to sound scary, so please, brace yourself.
lately i've been feeling like something, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional, or all of the above, isnt right. when i discovered that i wasnt feeling "normal" or even more abnormal than usual, i compliled a mental list of the things that are right, and more importantly a list of things that i can see arent quite right.
physically, i have a lot going for me. i'm not too tall, nor am i too short. i have an extremely large chest which seems to only be getting larger as my waist shrinks. i constantly get compliments on my hair, and even more so on my skin/hair color combo. i have decent muscle tone thanks to my *amazing* job, and really, i'm not THAT out of shape. now for things that are WRONG, physically. i could lose a few more pounds. i'm working on it and am doing quite well. however, i wont be happy until i'm sitting at 130 lbs. my teeth need a professional whitening done. the white strips work well, but i want them done by a real doctor so the results will last a lil longer. my hair needs to be a lil longer. i havent had long hair in forever. i miss it :( and i could use some color on my skin.
all of the issues i have with myself, physically, are of course strictly cosmetic and i have the power to fix everything. it's just not an over night success.
mentally, i think i have a great mind. sure i have random thoughts at times but who doesnt? i do tend to over analyze things sometimes. i could always benefit from having a lil more knowledge about everything, really. though i do think i'm somewhat intelligent. mentally, things seem to be ok. there isnt too much of a problem to speak of.
emotionally, i'm a mess. maybe thats where the extreme feelings of uneasiness are coming from. there are times when i want to be loved and touched and hugged and kissed but in the next moment i want to be left alone. i want to be there for someone and have them be there for me, but sometimes i just need my space. i just want to be able to breathe and not have to worry about if i called that significant other or if they're mad at me because i've been distant. there are times when i just want to be me.
i'm slowly realizing that i have some negative feelings and thoughts about my childhood. it wasnt a cake walk and by no means was it "normal". i dont know how to tell people, especially family members, that i'm not happy with how things were. i dont know how to say "when you fail to even as much as call me on my birthday or christmas it hurts. you may as well tell me you hate me." of my family back home, i have the least amount of contact with my dad. i can see if he's still upset with the circumstances of how i moved to texas, but he is the adult and it kills me to go all day on a holiday or my birthday knowing he didnt make an effort to as much as call or acknowledge my presence in his life. i am, afterall, his first born.
i suppose that looking back i can safely say i didnt have much of a childhood. sure i was involved in activities like basketball and cheering and such, but as much as i was involved with that i was also raising two kids and taking care of my grandmother. it takes a lot out of a person.
ok, so i dont feel much better. something still isnt right and i dont know what to say. i dont know what to do to make it any better. i suppose the first step is finding the problem in order to fix it but i dont know what the problem is or even where to start. *sigh* i'll be around if any one feels like doing anything. peace out.