Missing my baby!
Yeah, so I miss Beth a lot. I haven't seen her for a while and its hard. I am trying to let go. I don't know how to miss her and not make it her problem. I feel a lot of guilt because I feel like I endager her because of my selfish need to be with her. In my heart I am conflicted because I don't want to let go but I don't want to make her keep secrets because of me. I love her so much. I am trying to just beleive that it is safe to let go. That I don't have to make what I want happen. That I can let go and resume life and that doesn't mean I won't ever see her again, it just means that I'm accepting reality. I don't want her to hurt either. So I erased all of my entries about her on my journal to make this a safe place for us. And I'm not going to drive home the long way in hope of seeing her. I'm going to let go. In the meantime I am boosting my social life until it gets easier to remove the obsession from my life. I figure, the less unscheduled time I have, the less time I have to obsess about Beth. This weekend I am going to the Out on Film Festival. I called a bunch of my friends and am "spreading myself thin" so I can't back out of my resolution. I am also in the works of refusing to let myself think about Beth. The more I think about her, the harder it is to not be with her. I have made peace with this as best i can. I didn't think it could be okay to not obsess. I thought if I let go it means I didn't love her. I do. I just love her enough that I need to get out of a place where I am ok with taking part in harming her in order to be with her. So hopefully this is it. I love Beth but I am working on accepting reality.