(no subject)
Unmediated honesty and self -pity: apologies in advance
Why why why why why why why is it that when something goes wrong I always feel like the problem is me...that I am not good enough. I feel not good enough right now. If I were a better "girl", things would be different. If I always had a manicure and a pedicure. If makeup didn't sink into my skin. If I was distant and played hard to get. If I were just a little less open and trusting. If I always wore my hair down and straight. I'm so angry- i feel it at myself, although I know that's not the direction I should be slinging my arrows in. When i was younger I used to use these moments to motivate myself to achieve something big. But I'm on the right path for what I want to do- I am accomplishing what I've always wanted to accomplish. I just want to be happy with who I am, where I am right now. But then something happens and I feel panic, like I have to be better. I have to be a UN worker by day stripper by night. I can be a model and a chocolate chef, and teach at Cambridge University, and not be interesting enough to keep people interested. I have to be a SUPERmodel-probably with a Victoria's Secret ad campaign- and founder of a multimillion dollar chocolate company that I run while holding down my tenure teaching position at Yale. But then again, is there anything wrong with wanting to be the best possible you you can be? Is it possible to have that sort of drive and ever really reach fulfillment? Or is fulfillment something we have from the beginning? And when does the quest for perfection become unhealthy (I know an eating disorder is one stop on that route). Where is this balance for me?
I hate the concept of the thrill of the chase, although I'm not immune to it, obviously. I feel like I can have those moments though, and move on. Value what I have. New York can be like chasing your tail- you can drink your fill and remain unsatiated. It's seductive. Everything here is seductive. Except me, apparently. Well, that's not entirely true...but those that would be seduced are not those that should be seduced. I would rather find something good and stick with it. Which is not to say that I want to be stuck.
I think 5 weeks away will be good for me. Difficult, because I will miss the one(s) I love terribly, but hopefully they won't forget about me while I'm gone. I'm going to feel alone enough across the Atlantic Ocean. I always wanted to do this, though; "live" in a foreign country. Because I'll have a residence of sorts at Cambridge and be working, I count it. I have to pursue the dreams that I've had-show the care for myself that I need. I was never good at the limbo. Or at sitting still.
Why why why why why why why is it that when something goes wrong I always feel like the problem is me...that I am not good enough. I feel not good enough right now. If I were a better "girl", things would be different. If I always had a manicure and a pedicure. If makeup didn't sink into my skin. If I was distant and played hard to get. If I were just a little less open and trusting. If I always wore my hair down and straight. I'm so angry- i feel it at myself, although I know that's not the direction I should be slinging my arrows in. When i was younger I used to use these moments to motivate myself to achieve something big. But I'm on the right path for what I want to do- I am accomplishing what I've always wanted to accomplish. I just want to be happy with who I am, where I am right now. But then something happens and I feel panic, like I have to be better. I have to be a UN worker by day stripper by night. I can be a model and a chocolate chef, and teach at Cambridge University, and not be interesting enough to keep people interested. I have to be a SUPERmodel-probably with a Victoria's Secret ad campaign- and founder of a multimillion dollar chocolate company that I run while holding down my tenure teaching position at Yale. But then again, is there anything wrong with wanting to be the best possible you you can be? Is it possible to have that sort of drive and ever really reach fulfillment? Or is fulfillment something we have from the beginning? And when does the quest for perfection become unhealthy (I know an eating disorder is one stop on that route). Where is this balance for me?
I hate the concept of the thrill of the chase, although I'm not immune to it, obviously. I feel like I can have those moments though, and move on. Value what I have. New York can be like chasing your tail- you can drink your fill and remain unsatiated. It's seductive. Everything here is seductive. Except me, apparently. Well, that's not entirely true...but those that would be seduced are not those that should be seduced. I would rather find something good and stick with it. Which is not to say that I want to be stuck.
I think 5 weeks away will be good for me. Difficult, because I will miss the one(s) I love terribly, but hopefully they won't forget about me while I'm gone. I'm going to feel alone enough across the Atlantic Ocean. I always wanted to do this, though; "live" in a foreign country. Because I'll have a residence of sorts at Cambridge and be working, I count it. I have to pursue the dreams that I've had-show the care for myself that I need. I was never good at the limbo. Or at sitting still.