........
I'm on the edge of a cliff, staring down. 'This is just another step," I tell myself. Just another step in finding myself. Standing on the precipice in my mind, feet unwilling to take that last leap forward. Because what then? What if I don't like what I see? You can never go back. That part of yourself is lost, gone forever in the abyss that is your memory. It's like a song playing over and over in my head. I know every word by heart but I don't feel it. I don't understand. It doesn't strike a chord in me. No emotion. No beating heart beneath my fingers when I hold my hand to my chest.
And none of this makes sense. It's all just words on a page. I write what I think, and I think about things that no one should think about. This is me, bending. Breaking. Tearing apart at the seams. You'd think that I'd have gotten past this. But I never really knew what Hell felt like, not til now. Step off that cliff, freefall, and I see what I never wanted to be. Like a mirror image, broken and cast off and left forgotten, like when you're a kid and cleaning your room is shoving all your toys under your bed and hoping your mom doesn't notice. I never noticed.
Sick. I want to scream and kick and cry until this all goes away. But I feel nothing, only this huge nothing deep in my chest rotting away like a corpse. Living dead, breathing but not alive.
And that cliff is still there, laughing at me. Mocking me. Confirming all my worst fears. I'm scared. Life is too fucking much. I can't take it. This is all just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. Wake up. I pinch myself til my nails draw blood, and all I see is red, pouring until I'm drowning in it. I can't swim. Hold my breath and take the plunge.
And it's cold. There's nothing here, and I can't stand it. The same nothing there was before. It's hopeless. Stuck, forever. I'll never get out. No one cares enough to find me, so I'll curl up on the floor inside myself and wait.
Soon, it'll all be over.
I promise.
XoXo,
-T
And none of this makes sense. It's all just words on a page. I write what I think, and I think about things that no one should think about. This is me, bending. Breaking. Tearing apart at the seams. You'd think that I'd have gotten past this. But I never really knew what Hell felt like, not til now. Step off that cliff, freefall, and I see what I never wanted to be. Like a mirror image, broken and cast off and left forgotten, like when you're a kid and cleaning your room is shoving all your toys under your bed and hoping your mom doesn't notice. I never noticed.
Sick. I want to scream and kick and cry until this all goes away. But I feel nothing, only this huge nothing deep in my chest rotting away like a corpse. Living dead, breathing but not alive.
And that cliff is still there, laughing at me. Mocking me. Confirming all my worst fears. I'm scared. Life is too fucking much. I can't take it. This is all just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. Wake up. I pinch myself til my nails draw blood, and all I see is red, pouring until I'm drowning in it. I can't swim. Hold my breath and take the plunge.
And it's cold. There's nothing here, and I can't stand it. The same nothing there was before. It's hopeless. Stuck, forever. I'll never get out. No one cares enough to find me, so I'll curl up on the floor inside myself and wait.
Soon, it'll all be over.
I promise.
XoXo,
-T