(no subject)

[shannon28]

A friend of mine is convinced that I'm sleeping with her boyfriend but she won't confront me about it. For obvious reasons. I mean, if I were, which I am not, I wouldn't fess up in eleventy-five years. Who would? "Yeah, I'm totally fucking Andrew. Are you mad?" But it kind of makes me feel shitty. Like she doesn't trust me. She obviously doesn't. I'm sure that her insecurity is more about him than it is about me, but at the same time, the fact that she thinks that I'm capable of hurting her like that really makes me feel bad. I don't have many female friends. Mainly because I think that women, myself included, are shit. We can be vicious and evil and hurtful just for sport. Don't you remember how mean little girls could be? And then mean little girls turn into malicious teenagers who turn into spiteful women. We project our nuances that we perceive as flaws onto others and we tear them apart because it makes us feel better. But when I do have female friends, as cheesy as it sounds, I fucking cherish them and I do anything for them. I have this fear of women not liking me for whatever reasons that I don't like myself and I work incredibly hard to stay in their good graces. And besides that, I genuinely adore this girl. I don't feel like I have to mask my shortcomings for her. She's totally the girl that I never had in my life, ever. We can sit on her porch for hours doing nothing but having some beers and talking shit. Anyway, I've dwelled on that for days.

My boss offered me a sick raise to be her when she's not there. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it means that when business is semi-slow I can go for a run? Whatever it means, sure. I could certainly use the money to finance my rapid descent into alcoholism. Except I'm freaked out because I fucking idolize the woman. I never feel good enough to even be breathing her air which is crazy, but I never staked a claim to sanity.