Before and after and some in between
Before and after… Well there is a lot of things going on in my life and I had a good friend tell me that I should sit down and think about what I want in life. Which made me think. What did I want in my life a couple years ago and where to I want to be now and where do I want to be lets say ten years form now. So to begin let me reflect on where I wanted to be by this time in my life. What where my hopes and dreams?
I thought that by now I would have everything that I wanted and needed in life. I thought that I would be a high school music teacher somewhere. My hope was to be in an inner city school and starting a music program from scratch. And then in my spare time I could sing with the local opera chorus or choir. But I would be in a city where there would be culture and lots of stuff to do. As for a personal life I really did not think that much about it. I was raised pretty much by a single mom and I knew that I could survive on my own as long as I had friends and family for support. Sure the thought of being in love and having a family sounded nice but I was not going to spend my life looking for it. If it happened it happened if not oh well life would go on. But over all It would be a stress full life but I would be doing something that I loved and that is all that mattered.
My life now…not so good. Every single one of those things has not happened. I am nowhere I wanted to be. I am not saying that is a completely bad thing. I have changed since that young girl with all those dreams. I have been in the real world I know what it is like out there. I know how hard it can be. But I also know that good things do not just happen to people sometimes you have to give it a push. It is giving it that push that I am having a problem with right now. I have such a big fear of rejection that I am afraid to put myself out there. And that is true when it comes to everything in my life. Everything from Friends, work, and love. It makes me wonder if anyone really knows me for who I really am. I am just so used to keeping everything to myself that I won’t let anyone into my life. And when I think I do I really don’t. It just seems like every time I start to trust someone they let me down. But are they really letting me down? Maybe they are just doing what is right for me and the reason I feel betrayed is because they put that big ugly mirror in front of my face and I did not like what I saw. Is that really their fault? No it is mine. So what am I going to do to change that? That is the number one question right now.
As for what I want in ten years…This is the hard part for me. There are some things that I know that I can fix very easily…But the real things that will make me happy are going to be a lot of work and I just don’t know if I have it in my right now…And then there are the dreams that might always be dreams. I really want to back to college. I know that I will not get anywhere in life with out it. But the problem is what do I want to go to college for. I would love to still pursue vocal music but I know that it is not realistic anymore. So then I was thinking about business management. But that might mean being in retail the rest of my life. Is that really where I want to be? I used to love working with the public. I am good at what I do. I know this world. But right now I really hate it. Do I hate it because of the company that I work for or do I hate retail all together? But then what else is there that I would want to do…(something to think about.) There is one thing that I do know. I need to have music as a part of my life again. It made me happy. I think that might be one of the reasons I gave it up to punish myself. Because I thought that I did not deserve to be happy. As for a personal life… I know want the family and kids. But I feel like I am running out of time now. I am getting older. When I start a family I want to be able to enjoy them. To be able to run around with them, hang out with them. If I am going to have a family I would like to start before I turn 32. Like I said I am running out of time. But I also want love in my life too. I think that most of my life I thought that I did not deserve it or love as not something that I could have so what was the use of wanting it. Sometimes I still think that. But deep down I am a hopeless romantic. I just have to believe that somewhere out there that person is there. Who knows maybe I already know him. Then again maybe not. So I guess that is all for now. But that is the beauty to living…dreams can change.
I thought that by now I would have everything that I wanted and needed in life. I thought that I would be a high school music teacher somewhere. My hope was to be in an inner city school and starting a music program from scratch. And then in my spare time I could sing with the local opera chorus or choir. But I would be in a city where there would be culture and lots of stuff to do. As for a personal life I really did not think that much about it. I was raised pretty much by a single mom and I knew that I could survive on my own as long as I had friends and family for support. Sure the thought of being in love and having a family sounded nice but I was not going to spend my life looking for it. If it happened it happened if not oh well life would go on. But over all It would be a stress full life but I would be doing something that I loved and that is all that mattered.
My life now…not so good. Every single one of those things has not happened. I am nowhere I wanted to be. I am not saying that is a completely bad thing. I have changed since that young girl with all those dreams. I have been in the real world I know what it is like out there. I know how hard it can be. But I also know that good things do not just happen to people sometimes you have to give it a push. It is giving it that push that I am having a problem with right now. I have such a big fear of rejection that I am afraid to put myself out there. And that is true when it comes to everything in my life. Everything from Friends, work, and love. It makes me wonder if anyone really knows me for who I really am. I am just so used to keeping everything to myself that I won’t let anyone into my life. And when I think I do I really don’t. It just seems like every time I start to trust someone they let me down. But are they really letting me down? Maybe they are just doing what is right for me and the reason I feel betrayed is because they put that big ugly mirror in front of my face and I did not like what I saw. Is that really their fault? No it is mine. So what am I going to do to change that? That is the number one question right now.
As for what I want in ten years…This is the hard part for me. There are some things that I know that I can fix very easily…But the real things that will make me happy are going to be a lot of work and I just don’t know if I have it in my right now…And then there are the dreams that might always be dreams. I really want to back to college. I know that I will not get anywhere in life with out it. But the problem is what do I want to go to college for. I would love to still pursue vocal music but I know that it is not realistic anymore. So then I was thinking about business management. But that might mean being in retail the rest of my life. Is that really where I want to be? I used to love working with the public. I am good at what I do. I know this world. But right now I really hate it. Do I hate it because of the company that I work for or do I hate retail all together? But then what else is there that I would want to do…(something to think about.) There is one thing that I do know. I need to have music as a part of my life again. It made me happy. I think that might be one of the reasons I gave it up to punish myself. Because I thought that I did not deserve to be happy. As for a personal life… I know want the family and kids. But I feel like I am running out of time now. I am getting older. When I start a family I want to be able to enjoy them. To be able to run around with them, hang out with them. If I am going to have a family I would like to start before I turn 32. Like I said I am running out of time. But I also want love in my life too. I think that most of my life I thought that I did not deserve it or love as not something that I could have so what was the use of wanting it. Sometimes I still think that. But deep down I am a hopeless romantic. I just have to believe that somewhere out there that person is there. Who knows maybe I already know him. Then again maybe not. So I guess that is all for now. But that is the beauty to living…dreams can change.