Bittersweet Symphony (This Sam)
Title: Bittersweet Symphony (This Sam)
Summary: So familybizness and I have been cowriting some stuff for the verse. This isn't the first one we wrote, but it's the one you get to see first.
Warnings/Spoilers: Post-Hell.
Wordcount: 2,980
Author's Note: We started with this:
kira: okay
he came back yesterday afternoon
t's been rough
eventually he came and curled up under your arm
and lay down with his head against your chest.
fambiz: GOT IT.
kira: and cried until he went to sleep
fambiz: okay
kira: you didn't mean to sleep, but you do
because you're holding your fucking kid
and it's morning
and you wake up
and he's awake and watching you
go
"Hey, Sammy."
"Hi."
"Sammy. You hungry? What do you need?"
"Um."
"Okay. That's fine, we can figure it out later. Want to stay in bed?"
"Um."
"Oh. Oh, okay. Lungs?"
"Yeah."
"Here we go. Try the inhaler, yeah?"
"I..."
"You'll feel better."
"Feel? I couldn't feel from my toes to the backs of my knees and it splashed so hard I thought it exploded."
"Oh, Sam. Okay. Come here. Let's just do breathing for a while, okay?"
"Okay."
"Sam, Sam, Sammy. Fuck, hey, you crying?"
"It hurts. I don't know. It hurts."
"I know it does.. You've got to wait a little to cry so you can breathe, okay? You're okay right now."
"Can you get the wire out of my arms? I think you have to dig."
"There. It's gone. You're safe."
"No. Nooooo."
"You know where you are, Sam?
"It's not gone. Not gone. I forgive you. You tried. Just don't lie anymore, okay?"
"Oh God, Sammy."
**
"Hoxmarch. Parmgi"
"Shhh. You're okay."
"Gahoachma bahal."
"Fuck.”
“Fuck.”
“I missed you, Sammy.
"Balye. I missed you too.
"I'm so glad you're back. I'm so glad."
"I hit my head against the bars so I'm not totally sure."
"That's all right. We'll figure it out."
"It helps to hold on. It doesn't hurts as much if your back doesn't bleed."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. They'll snap your neck if you shake your head. But it's okay."
"They won't do that anymore, Simba."
"I won't let them take you. I don't mind anymore."
"I do. I want you with me. Oh God, Sam, oh my God."
"Don't cry stop please too much."
"Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry."
"Shit."
"I just missed you, Sammy. I'm happy to see you.
"Too much. Oh God. Why isn't it..."
"Sam?"
"I don't know when you're going to say the next thing."
"Hey. I don't really know either.
"Nononononono. Please stop. Please. Please. P-please."
"Sammy, Sammy, what do you need?"
"It's so loud."
"Okay, come on."
"Whistling."
"We're gonna do this inhaler, okay? You and me."
"No! NIISO NIISO NIISO NIISO! Go awaaaaaaaay!"
"Okay, okay, okay Sammy. Is this far enough?”
“Please. Please.”
“Anything, Sam. Just tell me.”
“Shhhhh.
**
“D-Dean?”
“Sammy. I'm here.”
“I'm cold.”
“Come warm up.”
“I'm scared.”
“I'm gonna take care of you.”
“C'mere? Heart feels funny. Feel. Hand on chest, 'sokay.”
“It's a little fast.”
“It's too hot. I left it in there too long. Remember that time in Clearwater when I burned the English muffin?”
“Yeah, kiddo.”
“I wrapped it in a paper towel and put it in the toaster oven. Set it on fire. Dad yelled.”
“Yeah.”
“I burned my heart.”
“No, Sammy. Your heart is perfect.”
“I wish Dad were here to yell at us.”
“Me too.”
“Can you yell a little?”
“Sam! I told you to pack the salt rounds! Hey hey whoa whoa whoa. You totally just smiled.”
“Get in your lap?”
“Yeah, come here.”
“Cry a little?”
“Sure.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Crying helps?”
“No.”
“Fuck, that cough. Okay.”
“Coughing helps?”
“Sometimes. Probably not right now.”
“Fever?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Cold.”
“Should we measure?”
“Yeah. Bring me. I can walk. You don't need skin to walk. Sometimes I walk for a thousand years.”
“You have skin, though. Tons of skin.”
“Skin is for keeping outsides out and insides in. I don't need skin anymore.”
**
“All right, kiddo. Thermometer. Open up.”
“Do you think birds have skin under their feathers? I never really thought about it.”
“What are you doing with your eyes there, huh? The light freaking you out? I can turn it off.”
“They must have something. Otherwise what happens when you pull the feathers out? Everyone has something underneath.”
“I think they do, yeah.”
“You think you don't but there's always more. I learned that at home.”
“You're home now, Sam.”
“Homeschool, like that weird kid from Wichita.”
“Yeah, but fuck Wichita.”
“Mmm. A lot of wheat. Thermometer?”
“Yup. Open up. Close. Keep that in there. Fuck, you're so brave. How the fuck are we talking about Wichita?. How the fuck is there room in your brain for goddamn Wichita? Fuck. Okay. Okay. My kid. Kid kid kid. Let's see that thermometer.”
“Sometimes they make things out of metal but they never last.”
“Little fever. It's not so bad.”
“It's because you have to join it and joints break. Eventually. You bend them like credit cards until they snap. How high?”
“A hundred point three.”
“I didn't like the beep. Can we get one that doesn't beep?”
“We have one like that, it just takes a little longer. Next time.”
“I have a lot of time, Dean.”
“Let's get you back to bed, okay?”
“I just...I just want it to be over. I...Dean.”
“Yeah?”
“Deeeeeeean.”
“I'm here. Shhh.”
“I...please. I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired.”
“Let's sleep.”
“That's not what-”
“Sleep, Sammy.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Want me to stay? All right. Come get comfortable.”
“Skin.”
“Big, brave Sammy.”
“Everything gets thin if you stretch it enough. We were stretched so many miles. They played us like a rubber band. It never ends, Dean.”
"Cling on, kiddo. You're going to be fine. Please sleep?"
“I said don't lie. It's okay. I'll sleep.”
**
“Okay, Sammy. We have pasta, rice, toast, and cereal. Which will it be?”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch.”
“I know, I know, but you haven't eaten and you're running a fever. You need something.”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchmuch.”
“Please try for me, Sam?”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch”
“Okay. Okay. Maybe later. Hey. Sam. It's okay, come here, you don't have to.”
“Too...much.”
“Fever's up.”
“Toomuchtoo...muchtoomuch.”
“I know, shh, I know. Just a sheet, okay? And we'll be quiet for a minute.”
“Sounds like screaming.”
“I know.”
**
“Can we try the inhaler?"
“Toomuch.”
“What if I do it first?”
“Touch.”
“Touch? Is that better?”
“To-uh-uh-uch.”
“Sammy. Fuck. I'm here. Come here. Get close.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“There you go. Sammy. Sammy. My Sammy.”
“If y-you cry, y-you do it down your arms with blood.”
“I won't cry, then.”
“M-me.”
“Sam, you can cry. I'll keep you safe.”
“I s-still cried.. All the time.”
“God, my Sam.”
“It's too much. I can't stop. It's too much.”
“It'sokayit'sokay. Here with me. Safe here. It's going to be better now. Give me a deep breath.”
“Can't breathe.”
“You're doing okay. I'm keeping track.”
“Okay okay okay. F-feel better, champ.”
“Yeah?”
“F-feel better.”
“My Sammy.”
**
“They wouldn't wait to be over they'd start again for days and days rip me tie my mouth shut with skin from my thighs and root in my stomach and find the parts of me and said we love you Sam we love you you're beautiful we do it because you're beautiful.”
“Oh god Sam, no no.”
“And what are you supposed to say because they say THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY and you haven't seen it in a million years how do you know if it's you how do you know if are you, but then they strip you and rake you and you feel it and it never goes fast, NEVER.”
“Godfuckdamn. CAS! Shit. Sammy? Your fever's too high, Sam.”
“And there are two of them TWO OF THEM and they are so much bigger and you are little little why do you care that they keep making you smaller and taking things out of you when you're so little. wouldn't you rather not be anything?”
“Okay. Fuck. FUCK. Okay.”
“And then you have spines like a cactus and nobody touches you for a thousand days.”
“Sammy? Let's get in a bath. Come on, kid.”
“The dogs breathe at the door and they want to come in. And you're just lying there trying to find one thing that is different. That's how you get through it. Dean. It's a game. Find one thing that's different from last time. One thing there wasn't anything different, not one fucking thing.”
“Come here, shirt off.”
“So I broke my wrist.”
“Oh Sam, baby. Come here. Thermometer.”
“I just needed to know that time was passing.”
“Oh my God. CAS!
“Why are you yelling?”
“Sorry, Sammy, sorry. Not yelling at you.”
“Are you okay?”
“I'm scared.”
“Why?”
“My little brother's sick.”
“You should take care of him. Little brothers like to die. Last time it wasn't cold like this. So it's different.”
“I screw it up. I fucking screw it up. Here, get in the tub, okay?”
“Okay. I don't know how to say 'sick' in Enochian.”
“Me neither."
“Maybe they never said it.”
“Close your eyes, kiddo. God, that poor fucking fever.”
“Poor fever.”
“Deep breaths.”
“In Latin it's 'Gravatus.' Remember Dad teaching us that one?”
“Yep.”
“He used to say it to make me laugh. He'd take my temperature and it would be all hot and I'd be scared. Poor fever. “
“I've got you, kid.”
“And he'd look at me really seriously and say 'Gravatus,' in his low voice.”
“And you'd giggle.”
“Yeah.”
“Deeeep breaths.”
“What did he do when you were sick?”
“Told me to go buy some medicine”
“Dad thought I was different.”
“You are different.”
“I hate this. It's so cold.”
“Here, do the thermometer again.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Christ. Where the fuck is Cas?”
“How high?”
“One oh four point two."
“Sorry about that.”
“It's not your fault.”
“You totally just smiled a little.”
“You caught me. Yeah, Sam. I'm happy.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah?”
“I get to be that, Dean.”
**
“C'mon, you got to go t'bed, c'mon.”
“What's up, Sam?”
“It's late, gotta take care of you, c'mon.”
“I'm fine. Hey, I'm fine.”
“Your skin's too cold, they won't like it.”
“What? Sam. Hey.”
“It's almost tomorrow.”
“Okay. Bed sounds good. You too, yeah? Come on, Sammy.”
“No no no I have to keep watch.”
“Hey. Sick kid. Bed.”
“I'll stand here, I can see better. Where's my gun?”
“Yeah, no.”
“I don't even remember guns. Hold on hold on. Found it.”
“Salt?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. You do salt.”
“Balye.”
“Hey Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“What's 'Balye' mean?”
“Salt.”
“Oh. Good one.”
“Thanks.”
“Come on to bed now.”
“Whoa.”
“What? Hey.”
“It's okay. If it falls over they'll put it right back.”
“Sammy?”
“Whoa whoa whoa. Too much.”
“Okay. Hey. That's fine.”
“It's falling over.”
“Get in bed. I'll cover you way up and we'll be quiet.”
“I...um. I need it darker.”
“Closet? I'll come with you.”
“Yes.”
“Come on.”
“Skin?”
“Yep. Good and dark in here, right?”
“We can watch for bears.”
“I don't think we'll find any.”
“Just in case.”
“Okay, kid. Squish in."
“I never saw any in the Cage, either.”
“For the record, I can beat up any bear.”
“No way, Dean.”
“So very much way.”
“No, okay, and I'll tell you why.”
“Bears flee before me.”
“A. Bears are huge. B. Over a hundred people have died from bear attacks in the past decade. C. Bears have fur, which will keep them warm, and it is very cold in here.”
“Not cold, you're just made of fever.”
“D. Well...D is actually good for you. 70% of bear fatalities are attacks in which a mother bear is protecting her cub. So there. Your chances of beating it up are pretty good. Assuming you aren't fighting another bear.”
“Am I a mother bear?”
“Yeah.”
“Simba.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah, kid.”
“I'm really sick of being king.”
“God. Shit. My poor cub.”
“Cold.”
“You don't have to do anything else, okay?”
“Okay okay okay.”
“You get to be done now. I mean it. Fucking shaking, come here, cuddle up.”
“Tha-thump tha-thump tha-thump.”
“That my heart?”
“Yes. My heart is stupid and little and wears a leather jacket and drinks too much.”
“That sounds like my heart.”
“No. Your hear is wheezy and fucked up. Mine is perfect, remember? You said."
“Oh, Sam, kid, I'm never letting you go away again.”
“Thanks. Is today your birthday? It's got to be close.”
“Next week.”
“How old?”
“Um. Let me think.”
“It's a difficult question."
“You're twenty-seven.”
“I'm twenty-seven? Okay.”
“So I guess I'm thirty-one.”
“That sounds right. Old man.”
“I guess we grew up, huh?”
“Remember when we spit on our hands and promised we never would?”
“Lost Boys.”
“And Dad smacked us and said...he said that the best thing he could ever wish was that we grow to be so old. God. I'm so old.”
“Shhh. You're a lot of ages, aren't you?”
“Shhh. Yes.”
“Me too.”
“Can you always be older?”
“Definitely.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Fever's up, kiddo.”
“I don't want to move. When you move they step on your knees.”
“Hey. We're good right here.”
“They're not around. Which is good.”
“You're damn right, kid.”
“But it would be better if I didn't remember.”
“Hey Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Tomorrow, can we talk about maybe trying some food?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks, buddy.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“Tomorrow, can I freak the fuck out and throw some stuff?”
“Okay.”
“Awesome. But for now let's sleep.”
“Come here, you fever.”
“I'm a fever. Mmm. Hey.”
“My fever.”
“I like that. I like you, kiddo.”
“I like you too, shortstop.”
“You're shortstop, shortstop.”
“Nope, I'm tall. Enormous.”
“Shortstack. Shortorder. Shortpotato.”
“What? Now you're just makin' stuff up.”
“I get to do that. I'm crazy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. It's on the list of things I get to do. I get to wheeze and I get to make shit up.”
“Yeah, well I'm the oldest, so I make the rules, and you're shortstop. I'm catcher.”
“Why?”
“Because I'm lazy and I just want to cool my heels in the infield. Watch you run around. Laugh at your wheezy self.”
“Best big brother.”
“The best.”
“Dean?”
“Sam?”
“What if Lucifer and Michael are second and third base?”
“They're not, baby. They don't get to play.”
“I think that's just something you're saying because it sounds nice. I don't think you can just kick them off the team like that. I don't think you can.”
“You know what? They're locked up in a box. They can't do anything.”
“I think the box is inside my head.”
“No. Sam. Hey. You're warm and safe. We're in a motel. You're remembering it, but it's not in your head, okay? It's over. It's buried, Sammy."
“Dean? You know how I would have those nightmares when I was a kid, and I'd wake up and I was upset?”
“Yeah.”
“And you'd talk me through it, show me how it couldn't be real. You and Dad would protect me, and the salt lines were in place, and nothing was the fuck on fire, none of it was real, everything was okay. You just talked and talked and it went away.”
“Chatty kid, here, speaking of. Yeah, I remember.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah.”
“I don't think we can talk through this one.”
“Oh.”
“Can you not try?”
“Okay. Fuck. I'm sorry, Sammy.”
“Me too.”
“I'm...I'm sad. Is that okay? Can I be sad?”
“Yeah. It's just going to sit next to us for a little while. It won't hurt us. Not right now. It's a bear.”
“Sleeping bear.”
“Yeah. Just leave it alone. Because if you bother it...it's going to try to protect its cub. You know?”
“I...okay. We won't.”
“Don't fight Hell. Just don't. Okay?"
“We can sit here and talk about something else.”
“What else is there?”
“There's us. Dad, Jess, Bobby, Cas.”
“Family. I don't know that word in Enochian.”
“Mom, even, if you want.”
“Oh. Exentaser. Mother. They used that one all the time.”
“What? Why?”
“I'm so tired, Dean. Everything's fuzzy.”
“Sleep. I'll hold you up.”
“Mmm. Goodnight, Dean. Esiach.”
“Goodnight, Sammy.”
“Esiach. You can say it too.”
“Will you tell me what it means?”
“Say it first.”
“Esiach.”
“Mmm. Good.”
“What did I say?”
“'Brother.'”
“Esiach. God. Sammy.”
“Esiach.”
Summary: So familybizness and I have been cowriting some stuff for the verse. This isn't the first one we wrote, but it's the one you get to see first.
Warnings/Spoilers: Post-Hell.
Wordcount: 2,980
Author's Note: We started with this:
kira: okay
he came back yesterday afternoon
t's been rough
eventually he came and curled up under your arm
and lay down with his head against your chest.
fambiz: GOT IT.
kira: and cried until he went to sleep
fambiz: okay
kira: you didn't mean to sleep, but you do
because you're holding your fucking kid
and it's morning
and you wake up
and he's awake and watching you
go
"Hey, Sammy."
"Hi."
"Sammy. You hungry? What do you need?"
"Um."
"Okay. That's fine, we can figure it out later. Want to stay in bed?"
"Um."
"Oh. Oh, okay. Lungs?"
"Yeah."
"Here we go. Try the inhaler, yeah?"
"I..."
"You'll feel better."
"Feel? I couldn't feel from my toes to the backs of my knees and it splashed so hard I thought it exploded."
"Oh, Sam. Okay. Come here. Let's just do breathing for a while, okay?"
"Okay."
"Sam, Sam, Sammy. Fuck, hey, you crying?"
"It hurts. I don't know. It hurts."
"I know it does.. You've got to wait a little to cry so you can breathe, okay? You're okay right now."
"Can you get the wire out of my arms? I think you have to dig."
"There. It's gone. You're safe."
"No. Nooooo."
"You know where you are, Sam?
"It's not gone. Not gone. I forgive you. You tried. Just don't lie anymore, okay?"
"Oh God, Sammy."
**
"Hoxmarch. Parmgi"
"Shhh. You're okay."
"Gahoachma bahal."
"Fuck.”
“Fuck.”
“I missed you, Sammy.
"Balye. I missed you too.
"I'm so glad you're back. I'm so glad."
"I hit my head against the bars so I'm not totally sure."
"That's all right. We'll figure it out."
"It helps to hold on. It doesn't hurts as much if your back doesn't bleed."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. They'll snap your neck if you shake your head. But it's okay."
"They won't do that anymore, Simba."
"I won't let them take you. I don't mind anymore."
"I do. I want you with me. Oh God, Sam, oh my God."
"Don't cry stop please too much."
"Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry."
"Shit."
"I just missed you, Sammy. I'm happy to see you.
"Too much. Oh God. Why isn't it..."
"Sam?"
"I don't know when you're going to say the next thing."
"Hey. I don't really know either.
"Nononononono. Please stop. Please. Please. P-please."
"Sammy, Sammy, what do you need?"
"It's so loud."
"Okay, come on."
"Whistling."
"We're gonna do this inhaler, okay? You and me."
"No! NIISO NIISO NIISO NIISO! Go awaaaaaaaay!"
"Okay, okay, okay Sammy. Is this far enough?”
“Please. Please.”
“Anything, Sam. Just tell me.”
“Shhhhh.
**
“D-Dean?”
“Sammy. I'm here.”
“I'm cold.”
“Come warm up.”
“I'm scared.”
“I'm gonna take care of you.”
“C'mere? Heart feels funny. Feel. Hand on chest, 'sokay.”
“It's a little fast.”
“It's too hot. I left it in there too long. Remember that time in Clearwater when I burned the English muffin?”
“Yeah, kiddo.”
“I wrapped it in a paper towel and put it in the toaster oven. Set it on fire. Dad yelled.”
“Yeah.”
“I burned my heart.”
“No, Sammy. Your heart is perfect.”
“I wish Dad were here to yell at us.”
“Me too.”
“Can you yell a little?”
“Sam! I told you to pack the salt rounds! Hey hey whoa whoa whoa. You totally just smiled.”
“Get in your lap?”
“Yeah, come here.”
“Cry a little?”
“Sure.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Crying helps?”
“No.”
“Fuck, that cough. Okay.”
“Coughing helps?”
“Sometimes. Probably not right now.”
“Fever?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Cold.”
“Should we measure?”
“Yeah. Bring me. I can walk. You don't need skin to walk. Sometimes I walk for a thousand years.”
“You have skin, though. Tons of skin.”
“Skin is for keeping outsides out and insides in. I don't need skin anymore.”
**
“All right, kiddo. Thermometer. Open up.”
“Do you think birds have skin under their feathers? I never really thought about it.”
“What are you doing with your eyes there, huh? The light freaking you out? I can turn it off.”
“They must have something. Otherwise what happens when you pull the feathers out? Everyone has something underneath.”
“I think they do, yeah.”
“You think you don't but there's always more. I learned that at home.”
“You're home now, Sam.”
“Homeschool, like that weird kid from Wichita.”
“Yeah, but fuck Wichita.”
“Mmm. A lot of wheat. Thermometer?”
“Yup. Open up. Close. Keep that in there. Fuck, you're so brave. How the fuck are we talking about Wichita?. How the fuck is there room in your brain for goddamn Wichita? Fuck. Okay. Okay. My kid. Kid kid kid. Let's see that thermometer.”
“Sometimes they make things out of metal but they never last.”
“Little fever. It's not so bad.”
“It's because you have to join it and joints break. Eventually. You bend them like credit cards until they snap. How high?”
“A hundred point three.”
“I didn't like the beep. Can we get one that doesn't beep?”
“We have one like that, it just takes a little longer. Next time.”
“I have a lot of time, Dean.”
“Let's get you back to bed, okay?”
“I just...I just want it to be over. I...Dean.”
“Yeah?”
“Deeeeeeean.”
“I'm here. Shhh.”
“I...please. I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired.”
“Let's sleep.”
“That's not what-”
“Sleep, Sammy.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Want me to stay? All right. Come get comfortable.”
“Skin.”
“Big, brave Sammy.”
“Everything gets thin if you stretch it enough. We were stretched so many miles. They played us like a rubber band. It never ends, Dean.”
"Cling on, kiddo. You're going to be fine. Please sleep?"
“I said don't lie. It's okay. I'll sleep.”
**
“Okay, Sammy. We have pasta, rice, toast, and cereal. Which will it be?”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch.”
“I know, I know, but you haven't eaten and you're running a fever. You need something.”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchmuch.”
“Please try for me, Sam?”
“Toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch”
“Okay. Okay. Maybe later. Hey. Sam. It's okay, come here, you don't have to.”
“Too...much.”
“Fever's up.”
“Toomuchtoo...muchtoomuch.”
“I know, shh, I know. Just a sheet, okay? And we'll be quiet for a minute.”
“Sounds like screaming.”
“I know.”
**
“Can we try the inhaler?"
“Toomuch.”
“What if I do it first?”
“Touch.”
“Touch? Is that better?”
“To-uh-uh-uch.”
“Sammy. Fuck. I'm here. Come here. Get close.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“There you go. Sammy. Sammy. My Sammy.”
“If y-you cry, y-you do it down your arms with blood.”
“I won't cry, then.”
“M-me.”
“Sam, you can cry. I'll keep you safe.”
“I s-still cried.. All the time.”
“God, my Sam.”
“It's too much. I can't stop. It's too much.”
“It'sokayit'sokay. Here with me. Safe here. It's going to be better now. Give me a deep breath.”
“Can't breathe.”
“You're doing okay. I'm keeping track.”
“Okay okay okay. F-feel better, champ.”
“Yeah?”
“F-feel better.”
“My Sammy.”
**
“They wouldn't wait to be over they'd start again for days and days rip me tie my mouth shut with skin from my thighs and root in my stomach and find the parts of me and said we love you Sam we love you you're beautiful we do it because you're beautiful.”
“Oh god Sam, no no.”
“And what are you supposed to say because they say THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY and you haven't seen it in a million years how do you know if it's you how do you know if are you, but then they strip you and rake you and you feel it and it never goes fast, NEVER.”
“Godfuckdamn. CAS! Shit. Sammy? Your fever's too high, Sam.”
“And there are two of them TWO OF THEM and they are so much bigger and you are little little why do you care that they keep making you smaller and taking things out of you when you're so little. wouldn't you rather not be anything?”
“Okay. Fuck. FUCK. Okay.”
“And then you have spines like a cactus and nobody touches you for a thousand days.”
“Sammy? Let's get in a bath. Come on, kid.”
“The dogs breathe at the door and they want to come in. And you're just lying there trying to find one thing that is different. That's how you get through it. Dean. It's a game. Find one thing that's different from last time. One thing there wasn't anything different, not one fucking thing.”
“Come here, shirt off.”
“So I broke my wrist.”
“Oh Sam, baby. Come here. Thermometer.”
“I just needed to know that time was passing.”
“Oh my God. CAS!
“Why are you yelling?”
“Sorry, Sammy, sorry. Not yelling at you.”
“Are you okay?”
“I'm scared.”
“Why?”
“My little brother's sick.”
“You should take care of him. Little brothers like to die. Last time it wasn't cold like this. So it's different.”
“I screw it up. I fucking screw it up. Here, get in the tub, okay?”
“Okay. I don't know how to say 'sick' in Enochian.”
“Me neither."
“Maybe they never said it.”
“Close your eyes, kiddo. God, that poor fucking fever.”
“Poor fever.”
“Deep breaths.”
“In Latin it's 'Gravatus.' Remember Dad teaching us that one?”
“Yep.”
“He used to say it to make me laugh. He'd take my temperature and it would be all hot and I'd be scared. Poor fever. “
“I've got you, kid.”
“And he'd look at me really seriously and say 'Gravatus,' in his low voice.”
“And you'd giggle.”
“Yeah.”
“Deeeep breaths.”
“What did he do when you were sick?”
“Told me to go buy some medicine”
“Dad thought I was different.”
“You are different.”
“I hate this. It's so cold.”
“Here, do the thermometer again.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Christ. Where the fuck is Cas?”
“How high?”
“One oh four point two."
“Sorry about that.”
“It's not your fault.”
“You totally just smiled a little.”
“You caught me. Yeah, Sam. I'm happy.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah?”
“I get to be that, Dean.”
**
“C'mon, you got to go t'bed, c'mon.”
“What's up, Sam?”
“It's late, gotta take care of you, c'mon.”
“I'm fine. Hey, I'm fine.”
“Your skin's too cold, they won't like it.”
“What? Sam. Hey.”
“It's almost tomorrow.”
“Okay. Bed sounds good. You too, yeah? Come on, Sammy.”
“No no no I have to keep watch.”
“Hey. Sick kid. Bed.”
“I'll stand here, I can see better. Where's my gun?”
“Yeah, no.”
“I don't even remember guns. Hold on hold on. Found it.”
“Salt?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. You do salt.”
“Balye.”
“Hey Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“What's 'Balye' mean?”
“Salt.”
“Oh. Good one.”
“Thanks.”
“Come on to bed now.”
“Whoa.”
“What? Hey.”
“It's okay. If it falls over they'll put it right back.”
“Sammy?”
“Whoa whoa whoa. Too much.”
“Okay. Hey. That's fine.”
“It's falling over.”
“Get in bed. I'll cover you way up and we'll be quiet.”
“I...um. I need it darker.”
“Closet? I'll come with you.”
“Yes.”
“Come on.”
“Skin?”
“Yep. Good and dark in here, right?”
“We can watch for bears.”
“I don't think we'll find any.”
“Just in case.”
“Okay, kid. Squish in."
“I never saw any in the Cage, either.”
“For the record, I can beat up any bear.”
“No way, Dean.”
“So very much way.”
“No, okay, and I'll tell you why.”
“Bears flee before me.”
“A. Bears are huge. B. Over a hundred people have died from bear attacks in the past decade. C. Bears have fur, which will keep them warm, and it is very cold in here.”
“Not cold, you're just made of fever.”
“D. Well...D is actually good for you. 70% of bear fatalities are attacks in which a mother bear is protecting her cub. So there. Your chances of beating it up are pretty good. Assuming you aren't fighting another bear.”
“Am I a mother bear?”
“Yeah.”
“Simba.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah, kid.”
“I'm really sick of being king.”
“God. Shit. My poor cub.”
“Cold.”
“You don't have to do anything else, okay?”
“Okay okay okay.”
“You get to be done now. I mean it. Fucking shaking, come here, cuddle up.”
“Tha-thump tha-thump tha-thump.”
“That my heart?”
“Yes. My heart is stupid and little and wears a leather jacket and drinks too much.”
“That sounds like my heart.”
“No. Your hear is wheezy and fucked up. Mine is perfect, remember? You said."
“Oh, Sam, kid, I'm never letting you go away again.”
“Thanks. Is today your birthday? It's got to be close.”
“Next week.”
“How old?”
“Um. Let me think.”
“It's a difficult question."
“You're twenty-seven.”
“I'm twenty-seven? Okay.”
“So I guess I'm thirty-one.”
“That sounds right. Old man.”
“I guess we grew up, huh?”
“Remember when we spit on our hands and promised we never would?”
“Lost Boys.”
“And Dad smacked us and said...he said that the best thing he could ever wish was that we grow to be so old. God. I'm so old.”
“Shhh. You're a lot of ages, aren't you?”
“Shhh. Yes.”
“Me too.”
“Can you always be older?”
“Definitely.”
“Okay okay okay.”
“Fever's up, kiddo.”
“I don't want to move. When you move they step on your knees.”
“Hey. We're good right here.”
“They're not around. Which is good.”
“You're damn right, kid.”
“But it would be better if I didn't remember.”
“Hey Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Tomorrow, can we talk about maybe trying some food?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks, buddy.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“Tomorrow, can I freak the fuck out and throw some stuff?”
“Okay.”
“Awesome. But for now let's sleep.”
“Come here, you fever.”
“I'm a fever. Mmm. Hey.”
“My fever.”
“I like that. I like you, kiddo.”
“I like you too, shortstop.”
“You're shortstop, shortstop.”
“Nope, I'm tall. Enormous.”
“Shortstack. Shortorder. Shortpotato.”
“What? Now you're just makin' stuff up.”
“I get to do that. I'm crazy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. It's on the list of things I get to do. I get to wheeze and I get to make shit up.”
“Yeah, well I'm the oldest, so I make the rules, and you're shortstop. I'm catcher.”
“Why?”
“Because I'm lazy and I just want to cool my heels in the infield. Watch you run around. Laugh at your wheezy self.”
“Best big brother.”
“The best.”
“Dean?”
“Sam?”
“What if Lucifer and Michael are second and third base?”
“They're not, baby. They don't get to play.”
“I think that's just something you're saying because it sounds nice. I don't think you can just kick them off the team like that. I don't think you can.”
“You know what? They're locked up in a box. They can't do anything.”
“I think the box is inside my head.”
“No. Sam. Hey. You're warm and safe. We're in a motel. You're remembering it, but it's not in your head, okay? It's over. It's buried, Sammy."
“Dean? You know how I would have those nightmares when I was a kid, and I'd wake up and I was upset?”
“Yeah.”
“And you'd talk me through it, show me how it couldn't be real. You and Dad would protect me, and the salt lines were in place, and nothing was the fuck on fire, none of it was real, everything was okay. You just talked and talked and it went away.”
“Chatty kid, here, speaking of. Yeah, I remember.”
“Dean?”
“Yeah.”
“I don't think we can talk through this one.”
“Oh.”
“Can you not try?”
“Okay. Fuck. I'm sorry, Sammy.”
“Me too.”
“I'm...I'm sad. Is that okay? Can I be sad?”
“Yeah. It's just going to sit next to us for a little while. It won't hurt us. Not right now. It's a bear.”
“Sleeping bear.”
“Yeah. Just leave it alone. Because if you bother it...it's going to try to protect its cub. You know?”
“I...okay. We won't.”
“Don't fight Hell. Just don't. Okay?"
“We can sit here and talk about something else.”
“What else is there?”
“There's us. Dad, Jess, Bobby, Cas.”
“Family. I don't know that word in Enochian.”
“Mom, even, if you want.”
“Oh. Exentaser. Mother. They used that one all the time.”
“What? Why?”
“I'm so tired, Dean. Everything's fuzzy.”
“Sleep. I'll hold you up.”
“Mmm. Goodnight, Dean. Esiach.”
“Goodnight, Sammy.”
“Esiach. You can say it too.”
“Will you tell me what it means?”
“Say it first.”
“Esiach.”
“Mmm. Good.”
“What did I say?”
“'Brother.'”
“Esiach. God. Sammy.”
“Esiach.”