Lessons from Disney
Important Lessons I learned from animated Disney movies:
Movie: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Lesson: If you have a problem, do nothing about it, and wait for other people to solve it for you.
Explanation: At no point did Snow White take any proactive action on her own behalf at all. Aside from running away into the forest when the huntsman told her it was that or be murdered. Other than that, the hunstman, various dwarves, and a prince did all the heavy lifting. So remember, kids, if you have a serious problem, wait around for someone to fix it for you.
Movie: Pinocchio
Lesson:Wandering away from your parents and talking to strangers will lead to no long-term bad outcomes
Explanation: Oh sure, he got taken to Pleasure Island, bad people tried to turn him into a donkey, and he drowned. But in the end, the Blue Fairy came and resurrected him, showing me that, for the small price of momentary discomfort, you can have a fun filled vacation to Pleasure Island!
Movie: Dumbo
Lesson: Your purpose in life is to make yourself useful to your masters.
Explanation: Dumbo goes through all kinds of hell at the hands of the circus owners, and in the end of the movie, he is an elephant who can FREAKING FLY. The end result: He's still part of the circus, still working for the same assholes, he just has a better trailer is all. What an accomplishment, Dumbo! If this were set in the deep south, it would be the story of a hard working slave who eventually earns himself a position as a house negro.
Movie: Bambi
Lesson: Murder is ok.
Explanation: When Ronno shows up and starts trying to move in on Bambi’s gal-pal, Bambi shoves him off a cliff. I guess it’s ok if I kill anyone who hits on a girl I like, right?
Movie: Cinderella
Lesson: See “Snow White”
Explanation: Yeah. Just hang back and wait for a fairy godmother to give you a dress, horse, carriage, grooms, and other crap. Well done, Ella. You sure took the initiative there.
Movie: Alice in Wonderland
Lesson: Opium is awesome!
Explanation: Well, what do you think the caterpillar was smoking?
Movie: Peter Pan
Lesson: Repeated attempted murder is ok, if you feel bad about almost killing a non-intended target.
Explanation: Tinkerbell. You think of her as a pleasant, glowing fairy who waves her wand at the beginning and end of movies. You may have forgotten that she is an evil, conniving, malicious, vindictive little bitch. Tinkerbell’s jealousy of Wendy was so profound that she convinced the Lost Boys to try to kill her, claiming Wendy was an evil bird that Peter wanted dead. Apparently the Lost Boys aren’t big in to questioning orders. When that didn’t work, she turned over the location of the secret hideout to Captain Fucking Hook, with the promise that he would kill Wendy. Hook agreed, and figured while he’s there he’d kill all the lost boys and Peter while he was at it. Tink didn’t want that to happen, so she sacrificed herself to save Peter. Then survived. And all was well. Note that she never stopped wanting Wendy dead. Even at the end.
Movie: Sleeping Beauty
Lesson: See “Snow White” and “Cinderella”
Explanation: Ok, sensing a trend here…
Movie: Robin Hood
Lesson: Grand theft and treason are ok if you say they are.
Explanation: Let’s face it. No matter what your political leanings, you are not allowed to rob the IRS or try to depose President Obama, right? Well that’s what Robin Hood does, while deftly evading authorities at every turn. If he can do it, so can I, right? All I have to do is rationalize it as being “political” in nature instead of “greed”.
Movie: The Little Mermaid
Lesson: You may be a member of an inferior race.
Explanation: I guess humans are the master race, and all should aspire to be like them. White humans.
Movie: Beauty and the Beast
Lesson: Beauty is only skin deep. But massive wealth is something worth falling in love with.
Explanation: Belle falls in love with the Beast, even though he’s ugly. But remember, he wooed her with his big-ass mansion and staff of possessed furnishings. That’s actually not that hard to do. There are plenty of women out there who will fall in love with your ugly ass if you can demonstrate a bank book that would choke an elephant.
Movie: Aladdin
Lesson: Crime pays; cheaters prosper
Explanation: How did he get the lamp and the carpet in the first place? He stole them. So here we learn that stealing stuff gets you ahead in the world and at no point will there be any reckoning for it. Then he used wishes to pretend to be a prince to impress Jasmine. And yeah, she liked his actual personality better, but he wouldn’t have been able to meet her at all if he hadn’t lied about being a prince.
Movie: The Emperor’s New Groove
Lesson: You can be an unremitting asshole of a ruler your entire life, but if you’re marginally nice for a while, all is forgiven.
Explanation: How do you feel about George W. Bush? Well, hold on. What if he went on a wild and hilarity-generating road trip with a fat guy? Let’s say it’s Jack Black. Jack and George need to cross the US to save something or other or something. There’d even be a scene where they need to share a hotel bed and much silliness ensues. The Arkansas redneck who shoots at them with his scattergun is ball-bouncingly funny, I can tell you! Now, once that’s done, W is a great guy, right? You like him now, Right?
Movie: Mulan
Lesson: Mulan is a bad-ass
Explanation: Yeah! Mulan is a bad-ass! At last a woman who actually solves problems!
Movie: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Lesson: If you have a problem, do nothing about it, and wait for other people to solve it for you.
Explanation: At no point did Snow White take any proactive action on her own behalf at all. Aside from running away into the forest when the huntsman told her it was that or be murdered. Other than that, the hunstman, various dwarves, and a prince did all the heavy lifting. So remember, kids, if you have a serious problem, wait around for someone to fix it for you.
Movie: Pinocchio
Lesson:Wandering away from your parents and talking to strangers will lead to no long-term bad outcomes
Explanation: Oh sure, he got taken to Pleasure Island, bad people tried to turn him into a donkey, and he drowned. But in the end, the Blue Fairy came and resurrected him, showing me that, for the small price of momentary discomfort, you can have a fun filled vacation to Pleasure Island!
Movie: Dumbo
Lesson: Your purpose in life is to make yourself useful to your masters.
Explanation: Dumbo goes through all kinds of hell at the hands of the circus owners, and in the end of the movie, he is an elephant who can FREAKING FLY. The end result: He's still part of the circus, still working for the same assholes, he just has a better trailer is all. What an accomplishment, Dumbo! If this were set in the deep south, it would be the story of a hard working slave who eventually earns himself a position as a house negro.
Movie: Bambi
Lesson: Murder is ok.
Explanation: When Ronno shows up and starts trying to move in on Bambi’s gal-pal, Bambi shoves him off a cliff. I guess it’s ok if I kill anyone who hits on a girl I like, right?
Movie: Cinderella
Lesson: See “Snow White”
Explanation: Yeah. Just hang back and wait for a fairy godmother to give you a dress, horse, carriage, grooms, and other crap. Well done, Ella. You sure took the initiative there.
Movie: Alice in Wonderland
Lesson: Opium is awesome!
Explanation: Well, what do you think the caterpillar was smoking?
Movie: Peter Pan
Lesson: Repeated attempted murder is ok, if you feel bad about almost killing a non-intended target.
Explanation: Tinkerbell. You think of her as a pleasant, glowing fairy who waves her wand at the beginning and end of movies. You may have forgotten that she is an evil, conniving, malicious, vindictive little bitch. Tinkerbell’s jealousy of Wendy was so profound that she convinced the Lost Boys to try to kill her, claiming Wendy was an evil bird that Peter wanted dead. Apparently the Lost Boys aren’t big in to questioning orders. When that didn’t work, she turned over the location of the secret hideout to Captain Fucking Hook, with the promise that he would kill Wendy. Hook agreed, and figured while he’s there he’d kill all the lost boys and Peter while he was at it. Tink didn’t want that to happen, so she sacrificed herself to save Peter. Then survived. And all was well. Note that she never stopped wanting Wendy dead. Even at the end.
Movie: Sleeping Beauty
Lesson: See “Snow White” and “Cinderella”
Explanation: Ok, sensing a trend here…
Movie: Robin Hood
Lesson: Grand theft and treason are ok if you say they are.
Explanation: Let’s face it. No matter what your political leanings, you are not allowed to rob the IRS or try to depose President Obama, right? Well that’s what Robin Hood does, while deftly evading authorities at every turn. If he can do it, so can I, right? All I have to do is rationalize it as being “political” in nature instead of “greed”.
Movie: The Little Mermaid
Lesson: You may be a member of an inferior race.
Explanation: I guess humans are the master race, and all should aspire to be like them. White humans.
Movie: Beauty and the Beast
Lesson: Beauty is only skin deep. But massive wealth is something worth falling in love with.
Explanation: Belle falls in love with the Beast, even though he’s ugly. But remember, he wooed her with his big-ass mansion and staff of possessed furnishings. That’s actually not that hard to do. There are plenty of women out there who will fall in love with your ugly ass if you can demonstrate a bank book that would choke an elephant.
Movie: Aladdin
Lesson: Crime pays; cheaters prosper
Explanation: How did he get the lamp and the carpet in the first place? He stole them. So here we learn that stealing stuff gets you ahead in the world and at no point will there be any reckoning for it. Then he used wishes to pretend to be a prince to impress Jasmine. And yeah, she liked his actual personality better, but he wouldn’t have been able to meet her at all if he hadn’t lied about being a prince.
Movie: The Emperor’s New Groove
Lesson: You can be an unremitting asshole of a ruler your entire life, but if you’re marginally nice for a while, all is forgiven.
Explanation: How do you feel about George W. Bush? Well, hold on. What if he went on a wild and hilarity-generating road trip with a fat guy? Let’s say it’s Jack Black. Jack and George need to cross the US to save something or other or something. There’d even be a scene where they need to share a hotel bed and much silliness ensues. The Arkansas redneck who shoots at them with his scattergun is ball-bouncingly funny, I can tell you! Now, once that’s done, W is a great guy, right? You like him now, Right?
Movie: Mulan
Lesson: Mulan is a bad-ass
Explanation: Yeah! Mulan is a bad-ass! At last a woman who actually solves problems!