State Names
I made this a long time ago, and recently re-discovered it while searching my docs folder for something unrelated. I thought it might be postworthy, so here you go. The derivations of the names of all the states in the US, with smart-ass comments of mine added in for fun:
Delaware: State named after the Delaware river. The Delaware River was named after Sir Thomas West (Lord de la Warr), the Virginia Company's first governor. How proud those people in Delaware must be to have their state named after a great Virginian.
Pennsylvania: Penn’s Sylvania. Sylvania is Latin for “wooded area”. That area was Penn’s sylvania. I guess we should rename Massachusetts “Kennedysplaypen”.
New Jersey: Named after the Isle of Jersey in the English Channel. Presumably, any island in the cold, weather-torn English Channel is a shithole, so the name holds true.
Georgia: James Oglethorpe founded Georgia with the consent of the king. Part of the deal was that he name it after the king. King George. Arragont bastard. I wonder how he felt when GEORGia was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.
Connecticut: Named after the Connecticut river. The River got its name from the Indian expression “Quinnehtukqut” which means “beside the long tidal river”. I find it hard to believe that anything large or tidal could even fit into Connecticut without spilling over into other states.
Massachusetts: Named after the Massachusetts Indians who lived there. Massachusetts means “Large Hill Place” in their language. I still say we should call it “Kennedysplaypen.”
Maryland: Founded during the reign of King Charles I of England, it was named after his wife, Queen Henrietta Maria, also known as Queen Mary. She is also the inspiration for the name of the sailing vessel “Queen Mary”. Look up their flag some time, it’s a riot. People get stiff punishments in Maryland courts because they spend so much time laughing at the flag behind the judge.
North Carolina / South Carolina: When founded, these two were one state with the name Carolina. Carolina comes from Caroliinus, which is rooted in the name Carolus, which is the Latin equivalent of Charles. It was named after King Charles IX of France, then later claimed to be named for Kings Charles I and II of England. Whenever a King Charles came around, Carolina would claim to be named after him. If Prince Charles becomes King, North and South Carolina will probably claim to be named after him.
New Hampshire: Named after the English county of Hampshire. Not a lot of witty potential, here.
Virginia / West Virginia: Named in honor of the virgin queen, Queen Elizabeth I. Right. Like she was a virgin. She was the most powerful woman in the world for about 40 years, you don’t think she got any? Give me a break. Still, I guess “Virginia” sounds better than “Whataslut”.
New York: Originally named New Amsterdam after the city in the Netherlands, it was conquered by the English in 1664 and named after King Charles II’s brother, the Duke of York and Albany. Hence the region was named New York, along with its biggest city, and another city was named Albany. The English were big into changing names.
Rhode Island: Named “Roodt Eylandt” by a Dutch explorer. It means “Red Island.” The name got Anglicized when the region came under British rule. The full name of the state is “Rhode Island and the Provedence Plantation.” That’s an awful lot of name for a state I could fit in my trunk.
Vermont: Called “Verd Mont” by the French explorer who found it. It means “Green Mountains.” That’s about all there is in Vermont.
Kentucky: Wyandot Indian expression meaning “plain”, referring to the plains. Wow, those guys were pretty wild.
Tennessee: Named for the Tennessee River. The river got its name from the Indian word “Tanasai”, the combined names of the two Cherokee villages on the banks. It is NOT, as previously thought, a place where tennis happens.
Ohio: Named for the Ohio river. Ohio is the Iroqois Indian word for “Large”. It was the “Large River”. You better get used to this convention, you’re going to see a lot of it.
Louisiana: Called “La Louisianne” by the French who founded it, in reference to King Louis XIV. Kissass.
Indiana: Named by the US Congress for lack of any better ideas. It means “Indian area”.
Mississippi: Named after the river. It means "large river" to the Chippewa Indians. A lot of states turn out to be various Indian expressions for “Large River”.
Illinois: Named after the Illinois river. The River was named after the Illinois Indian tribe’s word “iliniwok, which meant “warriors.” No, it was not named for the Illinois Indian tribe itself. The Illinois Indians didn’t call themselves the Illinois Indians. Europeans called them that because they were from the Illinois region. Are you confused, yet?
Alabama: Named after the Alabama River. The river’s name is a mutilation of Choctaw Indian “Alba Amo”, which means “Vegetation gatherers”. Apparently, the river was a good place to get fresh produce. Or maybe, they were referring to dead people. Ever thing of that?
Maine: There is some debate on the subject of where Maine got its name. The two leading theories are a) The French named it after the French province of Mayne, and b) The English called it Main, short for Mainland. Take your pick.
Missouri: Named after the Missouri River. The River is named after the Missouri Indians. In their language, Missouri means “one who has a canoe”. Next time you run in to someone from the Show-me state, ask them to show you their canoe.
Arkansas: Indirectly named after the Quapaw Indians. Not because of what they called themselves, but because of what the Algonkian Indians called the Quapaws, namely “Arkansas”. Which meant “strong wind”. That was probably because there was a lot of wind in the area, but my personal theory is that the Algonqians thought the Quapaws farted too much.
Michigan: Chippewa Indian word for “clearing”. Originally, Michigan was only the clearing on the lower peninsula. The name later grew to be the name of the whole region. The Europeans took this as a sign from God to have a “clearing” out of all the Indians there, and everywhere else.
Florida: It is the Chippewa expression for “25 indeterminate electoral votes”. Not really. It was named by Ponce de Leon himself. He called it “La Florida” in honor of Spain’s “Pascua Florida” meaning Feast of the Flowers. In short, Florida means “flowers”.
Texas: Named after the Caddo Indian word “teysha” meaning “Hello, friend”. If this trend continues, in a thousand years, there will be a bunch of Martians living in the great state of “Howdy”.
Iowa: Named after the Iowa River. The river got its name from the Iowa Indians, who actually called themselves “Ayuxwa”, which meant “One who puts to sleep.” All the ones who were awake moved out of Iowa.
Wisconsin: Named after the Wisconsin river. Wisconsin is Chippewa Indian for “Grassy Place.” Boy, those wacky Chippewa really knew how to come up with inventive names.
California: Some minor debate on this one, but the general consensus seems to be this: In the 16th century, there was a novel called Las Sergas de Esplandian. In this novel, there was a fictional island called “California” that was laden with gold. Spanish explorers named the area after the fictional island. What a bunch of dorks. If those guys were alive today, they’d discover an area and name it “Klingon”.
Minnesota: Named for the Minnesota river. The river got its name from the Sioux (Dakota) Indian word “mnishota” meaning “cloudy or milky water”. Boy, makes you want to rush out to Minnesota for some swimming, doesn’t it?
Oregon: Named by French Canadians. Called “Ouragan”, meaning “hurracaine.” I think I’ll cancel my trip.
Kansas: Named after the Kansas river. The river got it’s name from the Algonkian expression for “strong wind.” It has the same root as Arkansas. I still say it was the farting.
Nevada: Named after the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The Mountains got their name from the Spanish. It means “Snowy Mountains.” Apparently, the Spanish aren’t any more inventive ant names than the Chippewa.
Nebraska: Named after the Nebraska river. The river got it’s name from the Omaha Indan word for…any guesses? That’s right! “Big River.”
Colorado: It means “Red” in Spanish, in reference to the red waters of the Colorado river. I won’d speculate on why they were red.
North Dakota / South Dakota: Named after the Dakota Sioux tribe. In their language, Dakota meant “friend” or “ally.” Bad assumption on their part when they met us.
Montana: From the Latin “Montaanus” meaning “mountainous.” Winner of the coveted “Most boring state name” title.
Washington: Named after the Ute Indian phrase “Waa Shik Toan”, which means “If you didn’t know this state was named after George Washington, hit yourself in the head with a rock!”
Idaho: Believe it or not, a man named George M. Willing made the word up. He pulled it right out of his ass, and told everyone it was an Indian expression meaning “Gem of the Mountains.” He was lying. But the US Congress didn’t know that, and named the territory Idaho, thinking it meant “Gem of the Mountains.” Later in life, Willing moved out west and tried to found the state of “Wazooti” but they caught on. Not really. But he did make up the word Idaho.
Wyoming: From the Dakota word for “large plains.” I would complain about the boring name, but Wyoming is a boring place.
Utah: The Navajo Indians were referred to by the Apache Indians as “Yuttahih”, meaning “One that is higher up”. It was in reference to their geographical position in the mountains, not to any social standing. Dumbass Europeans thought that was the name of their tribe, so they started calling them that. But the time the mixup was noticed, all the Indians had been driven from their land and killed, so it didn’t matter. They named the land after the tribe.
Oklahoma: Another made-up word, but a little more founded in fact. A European missionary took the Choctaw words “Ukla” and “Huma” and put them together to make a slightly grammatically incorrect Choctaw expression meaning “red person”. I just love the open-minded love missionaries have.
New Mexico: Obviously named after Mexico. But I bet you didn’t know that the word Mexico is Aztec for “place of Mexitli.” Mexitli was the Aztec god of illegal border crossing. Not really. But he was an Aztec god.
Arizona: People in Arizona like to say the name comes from the Papago Indian term “Aleh Zon” meaning “little spring.” But, people in Arizona are idiots. The name actually comes from the English expression “Arid Zone.” Which, if you’ve ever been to Arizona, makes a lot more sense.
Alaska: The term Alaska was used by Russians to refer to the west coast of the area only. The US took it to be the entire state name. The word comes from the Aleut word “alaxsxaq”, which, despite looking like a someone had an epileptic siezure while typing, actually means “An object to which the sea is directed”. In this case, the mainland.
Hawaii: It was the name of the kingdom chosen by King Kamehameha. He renamed “Hawa ii” meaning new homeland. While having many great advances, Hawaiians were never able to invent the consonant.
-ATW
Delaware: State named after the Delaware river. The Delaware River was named after Sir Thomas West (Lord de la Warr), the Virginia Company's first governor. How proud those people in Delaware must be to have their state named after a great Virginian.
Pennsylvania: Penn’s Sylvania. Sylvania is Latin for “wooded area”. That area was Penn’s sylvania. I guess we should rename Massachusetts “Kennedysplaypen”.
New Jersey: Named after the Isle of Jersey in the English Channel. Presumably, any island in the cold, weather-torn English Channel is a shithole, so the name holds true.
Georgia: James Oglethorpe founded Georgia with the consent of the king. Part of the deal was that he name it after the king. King George. Arragont bastard. I wonder how he felt when GEORGia was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.
Connecticut: Named after the Connecticut river. The River got its name from the Indian expression “Quinnehtukqut” which means “beside the long tidal river”. I find it hard to believe that anything large or tidal could even fit into Connecticut without spilling over into other states.
Massachusetts: Named after the Massachusetts Indians who lived there. Massachusetts means “Large Hill Place” in their language. I still say we should call it “Kennedysplaypen.”
Maryland: Founded during the reign of King Charles I of England, it was named after his wife, Queen Henrietta Maria, also known as Queen Mary. She is also the inspiration for the name of the sailing vessel “Queen Mary”. Look up their flag some time, it’s a riot. People get stiff punishments in Maryland courts because they spend so much time laughing at the flag behind the judge.
North Carolina / South Carolina: When founded, these two were one state with the name Carolina. Carolina comes from Caroliinus, which is rooted in the name Carolus, which is the Latin equivalent of Charles. It was named after King Charles IX of France, then later claimed to be named for Kings Charles I and II of England. Whenever a King Charles came around, Carolina would claim to be named after him. If Prince Charles becomes King, North and South Carolina will probably claim to be named after him.
New Hampshire: Named after the English county of Hampshire. Not a lot of witty potential, here.
Virginia / West Virginia: Named in honor of the virgin queen, Queen Elizabeth I. Right. Like she was a virgin. She was the most powerful woman in the world for about 40 years, you don’t think she got any? Give me a break. Still, I guess “Virginia” sounds better than “Whataslut”.
New York: Originally named New Amsterdam after the city in the Netherlands, it was conquered by the English in 1664 and named after King Charles II’s brother, the Duke of York and Albany. Hence the region was named New York, along with its biggest city, and another city was named Albany. The English were big into changing names.
Rhode Island: Named “Roodt Eylandt” by a Dutch explorer. It means “Red Island.” The name got Anglicized when the region came under British rule. The full name of the state is “Rhode Island and the Provedence Plantation.” That’s an awful lot of name for a state I could fit in my trunk.
Vermont: Called “Verd Mont” by the French explorer who found it. It means “Green Mountains.” That’s about all there is in Vermont.
Kentucky: Wyandot Indian expression meaning “plain”, referring to the plains. Wow, those guys were pretty wild.
Tennessee: Named for the Tennessee River. The river got its name from the Indian word “Tanasai”, the combined names of the two Cherokee villages on the banks. It is NOT, as previously thought, a place where tennis happens.
Ohio: Named for the Ohio river. Ohio is the Iroqois Indian word for “Large”. It was the “Large River”. You better get used to this convention, you’re going to see a lot of it.
Louisiana: Called “La Louisianne” by the French who founded it, in reference to King Louis XIV. Kissass.
Indiana: Named by the US Congress for lack of any better ideas. It means “Indian area”.
Mississippi: Named after the river. It means "large river" to the Chippewa Indians. A lot of states turn out to be various Indian expressions for “Large River”.
Illinois: Named after the Illinois river. The River was named after the Illinois Indian tribe’s word “iliniwok, which meant “warriors.” No, it was not named for the Illinois Indian tribe itself. The Illinois Indians didn’t call themselves the Illinois Indians. Europeans called them that because they were from the Illinois region. Are you confused, yet?
Alabama: Named after the Alabama River. The river’s name is a mutilation of Choctaw Indian “Alba Amo”, which means “Vegetation gatherers”. Apparently, the river was a good place to get fresh produce. Or maybe, they were referring to dead people. Ever thing of that?
Maine: There is some debate on the subject of where Maine got its name. The two leading theories are a) The French named it after the French province of Mayne, and b) The English called it Main, short for Mainland. Take your pick.
Missouri: Named after the Missouri River. The River is named after the Missouri Indians. In their language, Missouri means “one who has a canoe”. Next time you run in to someone from the Show-me state, ask them to show you their canoe.
Arkansas: Indirectly named after the Quapaw Indians. Not because of what they called themselves, but because of what the Algonkian Indians called the Quapaws, namely “Arkansas”. Which meant “strong wind”. That was probably because there was a lot of wind in the area, but my personal theory is that the Algonqians thought the Quapaws farted too much.
Michigan: Chippewa Indian word for “clearing”. Originally, Michigan was only the clearing on the lower peninsula. The name later grew to be the name of the whole region. The Europeans took this as a sign from God to have a “clearing” out of all the Indians there, and everywhere else.
Florida: It is the Chippewa expression for “25 indeterminate electoral votes”. Not really. It was named by Ponce de Leon himself. He called it “La Florida” in honor of Spain’s “Pascua Florida” meaning Feast of the Flowers. In short, Florida means “flowers”.
Texas: Named after the Caddo Indian word “teysha” meaning “Hello, friend”. If this trend continues, in a thousand years, there will be a bunch of Martians living in the great state of “Howdy”.
Iowa: Named after the Iowa River. The river got its name from the Iowa Indians, who actually called themselves “Ayuxwa”, which meant “One who puts to sleep.” All the ones who were awake moved out of Iowa.
Wisconsin: Named after the Wisconsin river. Wisconsin is Chippewa Indian for “Grassy Place.” Boy, those wacky Chippewa really knew how to come up with inventive names.
California: Some minor debate on this one, but the general consensus seems to be this: In the 16th century, there was a novel called Las Sergas de Esplandian. In this novel, there was a fictional island called “California” that was laden with gold. Spanish explorers named the area after the fictional island. What a bunch of dorks. If those guys were alive today, they’d discover an area and name it “Klingon”.
Minnesota: Named for the Minnesota river. The river got its name from the Sioux (Dakota) Indian word “mnishota” meaning “cloudy or milky water”. Boy, makes you want to rush out to Minnesota for some swimming, doesn’t it?
Oregon: Named by French Canadians. Called “Ouragan”, meaning “hurracaine.” I think I’ll cancel my trip.
Kansas: Named after the Kansas river. The river got it’s name from the Algonkian expression for “strong wind.” It has the same root as Arkansas. I still say it was the farting.
Nevada: Named after the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The Mountains got their name from the Spanish. It means “Snowy Mountains.” Apparently, the Spanish aren’t any more inventive ant names than the Chippewa.
Nebraska: Named after the Nebraska river. The river got it’s name from the Omaha Indan word for…any guesses? That’s right! “Big River.”
Colorado: It means “Red” in Spanish, in reference to the red waters of the Colorado river. I won’d speculate on why they were red.
North Dakota / South Dakota: Named after the Dakota Sioux tribe. In their language, Dakota meant “friend” or “ally.” Bad assumption on their part when they met us.
Montana: From the Latin “Montaanus” meaning “mountainous.” Winner of the coveted “Most boring state name” title.
Washington: Named after the Ute Indian phrase “Waa Shik Toan”, which means “If you didn’t know this state was named after George Washington, hit yourself in the head with a rock!”
Idaho: Believe it or not, a man named George M. Willing made the word up. He pulled it right out of his ass, and told everyone it was an Indian expression meaning “Gem of the Mountains.” He was lying. But the US Congress didn’t know that, and named the territory Idaho, thinking it meant “Gem of the Mountains.” Later in life, Willing moved out west and tried to found the state of “Wazooti” but they caught on. Not really. But he did make up the word Idaho.
Wyoming: From the Dakota word for “large plains.” I would complain about the boring name, but Wyoming is a boring place.
Utah: The Navajo Indians were referred to by the Apache Indians as “Yuttahih”, meaning “One that is higher up”. It was in reference to their geographical position in the mountains, not to any social standing. Dumbass Europeans thought that was the name of their tribe, so they started calling them that. But the time the mixup was noticed, all the Indians had been driven from their land and killed, so it didn’t matter. They named the land after the tribe.
Oklahoma: Another made-up word, but a little more founded in fact. A European missionary took the Choctaw words “Ukla” and “Huma” and put them together to make a slightly grammatically incorrect Choctaw expression meaning “red person”. I just love the open-minded love missionaries have.
New Mexico: Obviously named after Mexico. But I bet you didn’t know that the word Mexico is Aztec for “place of Mexitli.” Mexitli was the Aztec god of illegal border crossing. Not really. But he was an Aztec god.
Arizona: People in Arizona like to say the name comes from the Papago Indian term “Aleh Zon” meaning “little spring.” But, people in Arizona are idiots. The name actually comes from the English expression “Arid Zone.” Which, if you’ve ever been to Arizona, makes a lot more sense.
Alaska: The term Alaska was used by Russians to refer to the west coast of the area only. The US took it to be the entire state name. The word comes from the Aleut word “alaxsxaq”, which, despite looking like a someone had an epileptic siezure while typing, actually means “An object to which the sea is directed”. In this case, the mainland.
Hawaii: It was the name of the kingdom chosen by King Kamehameha. He renamed “Hawa ii” meaning new homeland. While having many great advances, Hawaiians were never able to invent the consonant.
-ATW