I left my phone with William.

Apr 05, 2007 12:07

It's amazing how many phones are around, and I feel so cut off. It's also amazing how much food there is in this house, and I can't eat any of it. There's so much to be done, and I choose to stare at the ceiling. If I didn't have to go to work today, I would still be asleep. Fourteen hours just doesn't seem enough.

Everyone at work sees it. My family sees it. William doesn't disagree. I'm finally twenty, and it's already time to calm down.

I've just been informed it's Passover. Everything's going to be fine if I just blame it on my period and eat lots of matza. Do I need to get out or just stay put. All or nothing has been overruled; I guess there will always be a bit of doubt. The problem with asking for advice over a subject that I'm unsure about is now I'm unsure who's advice to take. Ideals, tradition, experience, bs. I don't know what I'm talking about ever, do I.

Then there were taxes, accusations, more accusations, "advice", life-altering bad decisions. Suffer here or suffer elsewhere. I'll never really be alone cause I'll always be there for myself. Everyone thinks it, everyone knows it, they even talk about it, they tell me, and I just confirm it. I'll just do it by myself. But if this is who I am. I can be somebody else. At least I never have to worry about not being myself.

I didn't sleep much last night even though I laid in bed for fourteen hours. I had many confusing dreams and kept waking up to everything my cat did including urinating in the corner. She knew I was too tired to get up and tear her legs off and throw her body in the litter box, so I just kicked her off the bed all night. I woke up with her sleeping next to my face. I congradulate her on knowing how to stick it to me. I knew it was wrong of me, but she meowed at me, and I fed her. I guess I'll take a shower, clean up the urine, and go to work.

My mother tells me I'm never around the house so she can tell me she loves me. I'm around a lot more than I realized. I'm on the fence about many things right now, one being staying home or moving out. When I hate being here the most, that's when I feel like I should stay home. Maybe I like feeling sad. Being around the house is so aggrivating, and no matter how much I worry about moving out, I worry more about how long I have left before I drive everyone away from me and destroy myself. I think moving out is a good option without everyone else telling me so or not. And it's high time I started over again. I've been trudging around in this same skin for almost a year now. Settling is not my thing, especially when I'm so uncomfortable. I hate sticking around one place too long, yet I hate transitions. I think I've mentioned. I'll find somewhere to be happy, that'll make someone happy, while doing something that makes others happy.

"I'm a rocketship on my way to Mars on a collision course."
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