Warning - this is a bit meandering...
Hi y'all. I've been in essay land for the last few weeks and, while I'm still in it, I also feel the need today to poke my head out of it and catch up with all of my correspondence. That includes my blog and my faithful hordes of readers (yeah, yeah, I know.... delusion is usually a sign of insanity).
And over the last few days, I came to a strange realisation: I'm bored of intellectualism; unfortunately, I've never been comfortable in the mundane, either.
I feel caught in a balancing act, where one side of my wants to be smart, to change the world, and to show off my mad skilllz or whatever. The other part is most pleased when doing mindless, simple, repetitive tasks, like knitting or cooking. That's not to say that the mindless things aren't productive, just that they aren't earth-shattering.
A friend of mine once told me that I was the smartest female he knew. I wonder if he would say the same thing to me today. Do I care? I'm not sure if I do. I think the idea of being smart is a heavy load to carry. If you have intelligence (whatever it actually is), then people expect you to excel and do great, or at least eccentric, things. I'm just not there. Perhaps I'm a bit eccentric, a bit silly. Mostly though, I find it too much effort.
Also, I find I don't have the time or wherewithal to get through the reading that is required to soak up knowledge. I've never been a speed reader and I don't think I ever will be. I read about the pace I speak - probably slower than I speak. Recently, I discovered that John Piper has this same "problem", but that hasn't held him back.
I guess the other thing that frustrates me is that, to "live up to" my potential, I need education and time to learn and study and muse. You only get that in this world if you have the means to support such a lifestyle and, frankly, I don't.
Again, however, I am not sure that's a bad thing. I've always felt in touch with the "real world" and have been proud of the fact that I've never had anything handed to me on a silver platter. Yes, I was given a good start, but there was always energy to be expended on my side. And I like that.
Many days, I think I would love to give everything up and just become a labourer and earn a day's wage through hard graft. Then I wake up and think "silly, stupid girl you've not got the upper-body strength to excel in such a world".
Perhaps that's the issue: ultimately, wherever I am, I feel the need to be more than just mediocre. These days, due to my environment and past, it means I can only give my all to what I do and be glad of it. Does it mean that I will always be stuck here? I hope not. Should I be working to increase the quality of what I do so as to ensure that others see that I am not "just here" but am actually a force for change and for positive growth and for movement?
And over the last few days, I came to a strange realisation: I'm bored of intellectualism; unfortunately, I've never been comfortable in the mundane, either.
I feel caught in a balancing act, where one side of my wants to be smart, to change the world, and to show off my mad skilllz or whatever. The other part is most pleased when doing mindless, simple, repetitive tasks, like knitting or cooking. That's not to say that the mindless things aren't productive, just that they aren't earth-shattering.
A friend of mine once told me that I was the smartest female he knew. I wonder if he would say the same thing to me today. Do I care? I'm not sure if I do. I think the idea of being smart is a heavy load to carry. If you have intelligence (whatever it actually is), then people expect you to excel and do great, or at least eccentric, things. I'm just not there. Perhaps I'm a bit eccentric, a bit silly. Mostly though, I find it too much effort.
Also, I find I don't have the time or wherewithal to get through the reading that is required to soak up knowledge. I've never been a speed reader and I don't think I ever will be. I read about the pace I speak - probably slower than I speak. Recently, I discovered that John Piper has this same "problem", but that hasn't held him back.
I guess the other thing that frustrates me is that, to "live up to" my potential, I need education and time to learn and study and muse. You only get that in this world if you have the means to support such a lifestyle and, frankly, I don't.
Again, however, I am not sure that's a bad thing. I've always felt in touch with the "real world" and have been proud of the fact that I've never had anything handed to me on a silver platter. Yes, I was given a good start, but there was always energy to be expended on my side. And I like that.
Many days, I think I would love to give everything up and just become a labourer and earn a day's wage through hard graft. Then I wake up and think "silly, stupid girl you've not got the upper-body strength to excel in such a world".
Perhaps that's the issue: ultimately, wherever I am, I feel the need to be more than just mediocre. These days, due to my environment and past, it means I can only give my all to what I do and be glad of it. Does it mean that I will always be stuck here? I hope not. Should I be working to increase the quality of what I do so as to ensure that others see that I am not "just here" but am actually a force for change and for positive growth and for movement?