6 in the mornin
I have no internet at my house right now, because for some reason the Verizon DSL didn't take right away and now they have to come out tomorrow to figure out why and fix the problem. So I haven't had internet at home for about a week. But today I'm doing some days, which is why I'm here updating at 6:30 in the morning. Thankfully I get off at about 2 today. Unfortunately at these computers I can't check my email at Yahoo because it's blocked. No Yahoo, but LJ is fine. Weird.
I'm tired of thinking about the job thing. Jamie offered me my job back with a little pressure from the ESGR. Though the fucker said he still thinks he has a case if I try to sue because blah blah I suck, yet when I tried to address his complaints basically rendering them null and void, he would change the subject. On top of that, the dumbass is still pissed I didn't call him back while I was in the field. His "feelings" were "hurt" because I didn't seem to "care about the company or him." No matter how many times I explained to him, that I couldn't call him, which is the complete and honest truth, I didn't fucking get back to the dorms, where everyone's cell phones were, specifically, Jason's, until about 8 or 9. I'm talking being off the field at 7ish, sometimes 8ish, going to chow for dinner, getting bussed back, showering, and then bam it's 9. He even acknowledged that I told him my cell phone fell in the toilet, that I was working long shifts, but still he was mad I didn't call him, because I "said I would call!" which I didn't, I said, if it's real important, I'll try to call back. Foolishly, I thought I would be able to, but no.
I may have to take my job back however, because for one, the lack of income is going to start hurting us soon, and two, I don't have a case until I go back and he discriminates on me because he's already offered the job back.
I'm thinking it'd be a good idea, granted no more dumb shit happens, to just go back for this month, and plan on leaving in January. I'm not about to wait around to be discriminated on in order to make a lawsuit.
In that light, I'm quitting school for the time being, the time being a few years. As stupid and ironic as it is, I may have to put off school until I get out of the guard, and am in a better financial situation to pay for it, and work less. I'm finding it too hard to work fulltime, school fulltime or even partime and do the guard thing. The fact is, they could give a fuck about how you do in school. If they did, they wouldn't schedule week long events in the middle of the semester. But if I keep doing badly for whatever reason, them or whatever else, they'll cut me off from it anyway. So basically I can't get free school from the state anymore. Drills really messed up my Saturday class, something that is good for me to take because I can't take the time during the week. Spring semester I didn't have that much trouble, but in fall, I missed 2 tests, in turn 2 labs, and during the ORE I missed two classes on a new chapter that was just started, that they just tested on this past Saturday. Look basically I was fucked either way. God, all loving and merciful, really can set things up to be the worse possible combinations ever because check this out, (ps. I'm not blaming him, only acknowledging that only God could have set this one up.)
*In this class, you only get one drop for a test and one drop for a lab.
*I miss the first test because of drill, but I make it up the following weekend.
*I miss the second test because of drill, but we're off the following weekend, so I just take it as a drop and accept that I'll have to take the final and make up the lab instead. So by the 2nd weekend in Oct I've already used both my drops.
*I find out that the week of the ORE, we're covering new material both weekends that I'll be gone and testing on it the weekend I get back, therefore missing all the notes on the material.
*Knowing that I can't drop this test, I arrange things with my friend Cara for her to type up the notes and email them to me. Which she does send the first set while I'm in the field.
*I email her back to let her know that I got them, and to call me on my cell phone, which I've just replaced so that maybe we can get together and study.
*The next day, 2 days before the test, I disconnect and cancel Cox internet, and hook up Verizon which ends up not working. I don't start to panic until I realize, I can't get to the first set of notes or second set. It might've been a smart thing to print them out, but my printer was out of black ink anyway. Cara doesn't call me, and I can't call her because I lost her number when my old phone fell in the toilet. And obviously the internet is still out even today. I was just fucked, no way around it.
On top of other things in my other classes, I have plenty reason to just throw this semester in the garbage. Which sucks immensly, and you have no idea how dissappointed I am in myself for not being able to pull this off. I was so certain I'd be able to do well this semester, even though I knew going in I was going to miss about 2 weeks. Even though it only ended up being one I can't imagine how in trouble I'd have been if it was 2.
There's just too much shit going on, and honestly I'm getting tired, of other people being in control of the way things go in my life. Which irrationally leaves Jamie as the only person I can conceivably be angry at. I'm trying hard not to blame all this on external factors, I can't learn anything that way, but honestly I'm getting tired of being in the pooper. I feel I'll go back to school one day and hopefully I'll know what I want by then. But the whole, guard, school, boss who demands way too much attention plus my family issues, is getting too much to take. I know it's bad, that if I even venture into thinking about all the things that are happening all at once, I can't handle it physically. It seems as though, what should be a withdrawn depression, has manifested as an overcompensation of feelings. Bascially I'm a spaz now, I can't even control most of the things I do or say anymore because I'm about to buckle under the stress. I'm a fighter though, I know I'll win this one. I have faith that things will fall into place before I hit rock bottom. Sometimes it takes more than just optimism. Optimism helps the overall mood, but it doesn't help your feelings. One day I'll be able to relax, and my life won't be full of distractions.
One important thing I've come to realize in light of the whole job loss thing is that I'm tired of placing so much emphasis in money, as opposed to hard work and fulfillment. I think Jason and I need to learn that together, so we can be happier with the things we have now and in the future. Though I think he has a better time with it than I do honestly. Because of the way I grew up, having very little space for everything, very little personal possessions, I've grown into wanting things to be bigger, better, more. My dad was shocked when I told him I wanted an SUV. I wanted one because it was bigger and I wanted one for when we had kids. So if we took road trips, there'd be room. Even though I love my house, especially my kitchen, I always end up wishing it was bigger, so we'd have more room for people. So my dad would have a room to sleep in when he came over. So that Cristin could stay over. So that we could have Danni and a baby. But bigger costs money, especially in Virginia Beach, bigger means a lot more money. We got a good deal on our bigger car, but we pay out the ass in personal property taxes. Or at least we will since we haven't paid them yet. I'm still pissed off about how high it was. But alas the solution is to move to a cheaper area, a state that doesn't rape you in taxes. I just have to stop being concerned about it. I'm sure we could fit Danni and a baby in that house. >_> And my dad is just going to have to find a place, and Cristin can sleep on the couch.
I'm tired of thinking about the job thing. Jamie offered me my job back with a little pressure from the ESGR. Though the fucker said he still thinks he has a case if I try to sue because blah blah I suck, yet when I tried to address his complaints basically rendering them null and void, he would change the subject. On top of that, the dumbass is still pissed I didn't call him back while I was in the field. His "feelings" were "hurt" because I didn't seem to "care about the company or him." No matter how many times I explained to him, that I couldn't call him, which is the complete and honest truth, I didn't fucking get back to the dorms, where everyone's cell phones were, specifically, Jason's, until about 8 or 9. I'm talking being off the field at 7ish, sometimes 8ish, going to chow for dinner, getting bussed back, showering, and then bam it's 9. He even acknowledged that I told him my cell phone fell in the toilet, that I was working long shifts, but still he was mad I didn't call him, because I "said I would call!" which I didn't, I said, if it's real important, I'll try to call back. Foolishly, I thought I would be able to, but no.
I may have to take my job back however, because for one, the lack of income is going to start hurting us soon, and two, I don't have a case until I go back and he discriminates on me because he's already offered the job back.
I'm thinking it'd be a good idea, granted no more dumb shit happens, to just go back for this month, and plan on leaving in January. I'm not about to wait around to be discriminated on in order to make a lawsuit.
In that light, I'm quitting school for the time being, the time being a few years. As stupid and ironic as it is, I may have to put off school until I get out of the guard, and am in a better financial situation to pay for it, and work less. I'm finding it too hard to work fulltime, school fulltime or even partime and do the guard thing. The fact is, they could give a fuck about how you do in school. If they did, they wouldn't schedule week long events in the middle of the semester. But if I keep doing badly for whatever reason, them or whatever else, they'll cut me off from it anyway. So basically I can't get free school from the state anymore. Drills really messed up my Saturday class, something that is good for me to take because I can't take the time during the week. Spring semester I didn't have that much trouble, but in fall, I missed 2 tests, in turn 2 labs, and during the ORE I missed two classes on a new chapter that was just started, that they just tested on this past Saturday. Look basically I was fucked either way. God, all loving and merciful, really can set things up to be the worse possible combinations ever because check this out, (ps. I'm not blaming him, only acknowledging that only God could have set this one up.)
*In this class, you only get one drop for a test and one drop for a lab.
*I miss the first test because of drill, but I make it up the following weekend.
*I miss the second test because of drill, but we're off the following weekend, so I just take it as a drop and accept that I'll have to take the final and make up the lab instead. So by the 2nd weekend in Oct I've already used both my drops.
*I find out that the week of the ORE, we're covering new material both weekends that I'll be gone and testing on it the weekend I get back, therefore missing all the notes on the material.
*Knowing that I can't drop this test, I arrange things with my friend Cara for her to type up the notes and email them to me. Which she does send the first set while I'm in the field.
*I email her back to let her know that I got them, and to call me on my cell phone, which I've just replaced so that maybe we can get together and study.
*The next day, 2 days before the test, I disconnect and cancel Cox internet, and hook up Verizon which ends up not working. I don't start to panic until I realize, I can't get to the first set of notes or second set. It might've been a smart thing to print them out, but my printer was out of black ink anyway. Cara doesn't call me, and I can't call her because I lost her number when my old phone fell in the toilet. And obviously the internet is still out even today. I was just fucked, no way around it.
On top of other things in my other classes, I have plenty reason to just throw this semester in the garbage. Which sucks immensly, and you have no idea how dissappointed I am in myself for not being able to pull this off. I was so certain I'd be able to do well this semester, even though I knew going in I was going to miss about 2 weeks. Even though it only ended up being one I can't imagine how in trouble I'd have been if it was 2.
There's just too much shit going on, and honestly I'm getting tired, of other people being in control of the way things go in my life. Which irrationally leaves Jamie as the only person I can conceivably be angry at. I'm trying hard not to blame all this on external factors, I can't learn anything that way, but honestly I'm getting tired of being in the pooper. I feel I'll go back to school one day and hopefully I'll know what I want by then. But the whole, guard, school, boss who demands way too much attention plus my family issues, is getting too much to take. I know it's bad, that if I even venture into thinking about all the things that are happening all at once, I can't handle it physically. It seems as though, what should be a withdrawn depression, has manifested as an overcompensation of feelings. Bascially I'm a spaz now, I can't even control most of the things I do or say anymore because I'm about to buckle under the stress. I'm a fighter though, I know I'll win this one. I have faith that things will fall into place before I hit rock bottom. Sometimes it takes more than just optimism. Optimism helps the overall mood, but it doesn't help your feelings. One day I'll be able to relax, and my life won't be full of distractions.
One important thing I've come to realize in light of the whole job loss thing is that I'm tired of placing so much emphasis in money, as opposed to hard work and fulfillment. I think Jason and I need to learn that together, so we can be happier with the things we have now and in the future. Though I think he has a better time with it than I do honestly. Because of the way I grew up, having very little space for everything, very little personal possessions, I've grown into wanting things to be bigger, better, more. My dad was shocked when I told him I wanted an SUV. I wanted one because it was bigger and I wanted one for when we had kids. So if we took road trips, there'd be room. Even though I love my house, especially my kitchen, I always end up wishing it was bigger, so we'd have more room for people. So my dad would have a room to sleep in when he came over. So that Cristin could stay over. So that we could have Danni and a baby. But bigger costs money, especially in Virginia Beach, bigger means a lot more money. We got a good deal on our bigger car, but we pay out the ass in personal property taxes. Or at least we will since we haven't paid them yet. I'm still pissed off about how high it was. But alas the solution is to move to a cheaper area, a state that doesn't rape you in taxes. I just have to stop being concerned about it. I'm sure we could fit Danni and a baby in that house. >_> And my dad is just going to have to find a place, and Cristin can sleep on the couch.