Ennui and Angst.
Okay I am a whiner. I admit it. However, things kinda suck right now and I should acknowledge that. We are broke. Broke, broke, broke. This is what happens when you decide to take an extra two weeks at home with your infant son, it bites you in the butt. I had gotten so used to actually not being in the poorhouse that even though this isn't anywhere close to being as bad as it was when we were broke before, it feels worse. But things are improving slowly. We are dealing with the splendiforous amounts of medical bills. We are now on Badgercare Plus which means I can drop my job's lackluster and expensive medical coverage. We get paid at the end of the week and while most of it is promised, we will survive. I have worked out a payment plan with MGE for the stupid amount of money it cost to heat our condo last winter.
I miss my kids and I hate my job. After seven and a half years I make less money than my husband who has been there for one. This makes me so angry. The only thing to do is find a new job. The thing is, I don't know how. I got a form letter from Epic, so that is a no go. I am trying hard not to feel like a complete failure who can't support her family. I am such a mess right now. I have also been ruminating about graduate school, though it would have to be in something that would actually make me money. I would love to have another English degree, but that feels kind of masturbatory right now in the light of how hireable I am with my humanities background. I feel professionally stagnated and mired down by bills I don't know how I will ever pay. Sigh.
And to top it off, I desperately want to be a stay at home mom. My son is three months old and I feel like I am going to miss all the milestones while I am at work. He misses me. I miss him. Sylvia needs the reassurance that her mother is there for her. Right now I get home from work hold the baby till he goes down for the night, wrassle Sylvia into bed and collapse. I have no time for myself or for being more than an adequate place holder of a parent. And having time for my marriage? Forget about it. I find myself crying each day about leaving the kids behind and the days that I am home I am crying about having no energy to do anything constructive or useful.
I'm not sure if this is PPD rearing its ugly head or not but at least now I can afford to fill a prescription for antidepressants should I need them.
I miss my kids and I hate my job. After seven and a half years I make less money than my husband who has been there for one. This makes me so angry. The only thing to do is find a new job. The thing is, I don't know how. I got a form letter from Epic, so that is a no go. I am trying hard not to feel like a complete failure who can't support her family. I am such a mess right now. I have also been ruminating about graduate school, though it would have to be in something that would actually make me money. I would love to have another English degree, but that feels kind of masturbatory right now in the light of how hireable I am with my humanities background. I feel professionally stagnated and mired down by bills I don't know how I will ever pay. Sigh.
And to top it off, I desperately want to be a stay at home mom. My son is three months old and I feel like I am going to miss all the milestones while I am at work. He misses me. I miss him. Sylvia needs the reassurance that her mother is there for her. Right now I get home from work hold the baby till he goes down for the night, wrassle Sylvia into bed and collapse. I have no time for myself or for being more than an adequate place holder of a parent. And having time for my marriage? Forget about it. I find myself crying each day about leaving the kids behind and the days that I am home I am crying about having no energy to do anything constructive or useful.
I'm not sure if this is PPD rearing its ugly head or not but at least now I can afford to fill a prescription for antidepressants should I need them.