Plus size and pregnant.
I find myself in a strange place. This happens to me often enough in my strange strange life. I went to see the obstetrician on Monday, for the most part everything seems okay. But here's the but, my blood pressure is a little high. Never in my life has my bp done anything beyond fluctuate in the 120/80 range. This wasn't astronomical you are about to have a stroke high, it was 140/86, but it was enough for the doc to say we have to keep an eye on that. I am forced to think huh, is this pregnancy related or is this the path I am on because I am obese? I don't like being fat, but over the last three years of loss and struggle I have gotten perspective on it. I don't like how I feel or how I look, but were I to start a diet and exercise routine I know from past experience that unless is was far more rigid than I have time or energy for I would lose negligible weight and become even more disgusted and self flagelating than I already am. Then there's the kicker, I almost ten weeks pregnant. You aren't supposed to lose weight when pregnant, in fact it is expected that you will gain some. While I have been pretty lucky with both pregnancies, with Sylvia I gained 17 lbs and with Owen I don't think I gained anything at all, when you start a pregnancy at 250 plus pounds a lot of people look at you funny. I am lucky that I haven't had anyone berate me for choosing to pregnant when I am so obviously unhealthy, but I know that there are those that think that way. It is also very frustrating to not start showing until well past twenty weeks. It feels kind of goofy to be saying, yeah and not only am I fat but I'm also knocked up. I pretty much always hear the, yeah right and who would want to conceive a child with you, in my head when I say this. This is probably bolstered by the fact that I don't wear a wedding ring because rings are painful to wear. At least they have become so over the last five years or so. But self esteem and body issues aside which I have had which predate by weight gain, this is the girl who though she was fat when she weighed 130 lbs, I am worried in a concrete way about my health the health of my baby and the health of this pregnancy. I know one little blood pressure reading isn't a pattern, but it gives one pause. I don't want pre-eclampsia and the horrors that entails. I want to be as healthy as I can be under the circumstances and take care of myself and my child. I also don't want to die early. This is so weird, it really has gone from a gee I hate my body, to god what if this kills me in a fairly short span of time. I think I would go through with gastric bypass surgery in an instant if I was a) not pregnant and b) my insurance would cover it, but that is neither here nor there. I was a lot more committed to that course of action three years ago than I am now. I don't want to be fat forever, but I'll be damned if I can see a way around that.