DW/FF crossover fic: The Engineer's Gift (10/21)
Title: The Engineer’s Gift
Author: shan21non
Rating: PG-13
Beta Readers: buffyaddict13 and inkhand , who are the best!
Warnings: Swearing in Mandarin!
Pairings: Ten/Rose, Mal/Inara, a bit of Simon/Kaylee
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who or Firefly. How is that fair?
Summary: When the Doctor takes a wrong turn, he and Rose find themselves aboard Serenity. Confusion, explosions, mystery, romance, and adventure ensue!
Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three Chapter four Chapter five Chapter six Chapter seven Chapter eight
Chapter nine
CHAPTER TEN
“I’m so sorry,” the young doctor said again.
The Doctor waved off his concern.
“Rose is fine. The knife went in cleanly, and it missed the artery. She’ll be as good as new in no time.”
In truth, the Doctor’s hearts had stopped when he saw the amount of blood rushing from Rose’s wound. As he carried her down to the med bay, she was pale and sweating, her face a mask of pain.
“Better save this hand, Doctor,” she had said, forcing a smile. “Mine won’t regrow like yours.”
He managed a sort of half-laugh. It was just so Rose to joke with him to distract him from her pain. But inside his panic was rising, his mind simultaneously running through a list of items that Simon probably stocked in his med bay versus the plethora of equipment he had back in the TARDIS. He almost tripped over his shoes in his haste to get her into the exam chair, and then again when he stumbled over to the sink to soak some towels. It wasn’t until he had wiped away most of the blood that he was able to exhale.
Luckily, it was a clean cut. The wounds on either side of Rose’s hand had only required a few stitches, and a shot of pain reliever later, she was lounging in their room, chatting with Kaylee.
“Still, I can’t believe that River attacked her,” Simon said.
“Is it the first time she’s done something like this?” the Doctor asked.
Simon faltered.
“Well, no. But the first time it was only Jayne.”
The Doctor nodded, as if this made perfect sense.
“River is a very troubled girl, and I don’t think that she meant Rose any harm,” he said earnestly. “Would you like to hear what I was going to tell you before this all became very messy?”
Simon looked at River, who lay unconscious in the examination chair between them, still sedated from Simon’s injection.
“Tell me,” he said.
“Let’s start with what you already know,” the Doctor replied. “The Academy cut open her brain to remove the bits of her amygdala that control her emotions. They tried to implant suggestions to be triggered by specific stimuli. They also enhanced her brain function in ways that would increase her perception.”
The Doctor paused here. Then he clarified.
“Her psychic perception.”
Simon looked as if he might object, but after a moment, he simply nodded.
“You know I’ve experienced similar treatment,” the Doctor lied smoothly. “So, I think I know the result that they were aiming for.”
“A super soldier,” Simon said.
“In a way, yes, but much more than that. I think that, rather than make River’s emotions irrepressible, the Academy wanted to install some sort of remote control for them, an off-switch, if you will. I think, Simon, that your sister was to become the most terrible weapon in the universe.”
Simon frowned, and the Doctor waited for him to reply.
“I don’t understand,” he said finally.
“Just imagine it,” the Doctor began. “An army of children raised by the Alliance. They would be deadly in combat. They would have no emotions overriding their directives. And a person could hide nothing from them, not even their innermost thoughts.”
The Doctor stared at the girl in the exam chair.
“River and her classmates would operate as the ultimate enforcers, able to not only find the people posing a threat to the Alliance’s power, but also to be their judge, jury, and executioner. She would be a one-woman army, impossible to evade or deny. Impossible to survive.”
“I-”
Simon stopped. He swallowed and tried again. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe…”
The Doctor continued smoothly.
“It didn’t work on River, obviously. Never completed. And she has you to thank for that. She can still be her own woman.”
The Doctor saw Simon’s eyes grow a bit wetter. The young man blinked rapidly to clear them. He was clearly trying very hard to maintain his composure.
“So she’s fixable?” he asked desperately. “She’ll be all right?”
The Doctor gave Simon a sad smile. It was the kind of smile you give to someone who has recently lost a loved one.
“She’s not fixable, Simon.”
The young man shook his head.
“But you said she could be her own woman.”
“I can’t undo what the Academy did to her. No one can.” The Doctor sighed. “You can’t just replace the bits of brain they removed or rearranged. Brain tissue is entirely too complex. It’s not like grafting a new arm, as you know. The synapses are so precise that even one difference can alter personality and mental function.”
Simon nodded numbly.
“The good news is that whatever they did to her, they did it well.”
Simon shot him a sharp look, and the Doctor rushed to explain.
“I mean, they’re butchers, don’t get me wrong. They cut apart an innocent child’s brain.” He moved around the exam chair to stand beside Simon. “But even butchering involves skill, and their surgeons were precise.”
“So they made her crazy, but they did it very well,” Simon bristled.
“Oh no, you misunderstand me. The Academy didn’t make her crazy.” the Doctor replied. “River did that to herself.”
Simon’s face screwed up in outrage.
“How can you say that? How can you blame a victim, a child, for the tortures perpetrated upon her by monsters?” he seethed.
The Doctor looked at Simon apologetically, and hesitated before continuing.
“It was smart, what River did. It was exactly what a child genius with no other weapons should do to protect herself.” He looked back at River, knowing that the peaceful look on her face was all too temporary. “She was rescued from the Academy halfway through their process, and that left her half-formed. Fear, anger, sadness-she’s defenseless again it all.”
Simon reached out for his sister’s hand. He held it loosely in his own.
“I know,” he said.
“I think she’s been trying to deal with the damage in two ways. The first is regression. River has regressed to a childlike state, a time when she had parents and a brother to look after her and explain when things weren’t quite as scary as she thought they were.”
He paused, running a hand through his hair.
“Think of a child unable to sleep because there’s a monster under her bed. To her, that monster is a real fear. To us, it’s not. We can explain to the child that she shouldn’t be afraid. She might still be fearful, but we give her that comfort that an adult is around to protect her.”
“I don’t understand what this has to do with River,” Simon interjected.
“Monsters lurk around every corner for River,” the Doctor replied. “Doesn’t it make sense that she would go back to that time in her childhood when she could be easily comforted?”
Simon didn’t speak for a while. Then, finally, he turned back to the Doctor.
“You said that there are two ways that my sister copes. What’s the second?”
“If the government runs the Academy, then that means that River was probably around some very important people while she was there.”
“So?”
“Think about it, Simon. They put a psychic in a room with the people who know the most terrible secrets in the universe. Espionage. Scandals. Cover-ups.”
Realization flooded into Simon’s eyes.
“That’s why they’re so determined to get her back,” he murmured.
“I think that some of those secrets are so frightening that River has mentally cut off certain parts of her brain. She’s trying to protect herself and others from that terrible knowledge.”
Simon nodded, but the Doctor wasn’t sure he was entirely listening.
“She talks to herself, doesn’t she?” he asked. “She has conversations with no one? She disappears for hours on end?”
This got Simon’s attention.
“Yes,” he said immediately.
“That’s all a result of this second coping mechanism. It’s like River has short circuited her brain, and it no longer functions normally.”
“You said she could be normal again,” Simon said hopefully.
“I said she could be her own woman,” the Doctor corrected. “And she can. We can’t fix what they did to her. She’ll never be able to regulate her emotions, at least not like she used to. But I can lessen her fear. I can make some of the monsters go away.”
“How?”
“When I was taken, I underwent similar surgeries. They left me with certain psychic abilities. If you’d like, I can look into River’s mind. I can try to access those scary thoughts that she received and I can-”
The Doctor broke off then, unsure whether or not to proceed.
“You can what, Doctor?” Simon pressed.
The Doctor stared Simon straight in the eyes.
“I can take them from her. I can remove them completely.”
Simon flinched.
“You’d be stealing her memories.”
The Doctor shook his head.
“Not her memories, no. The memories of very bad men. Memories that have no business in the mind of a child.”
Simon’s gaze drifted once more to his sister’s sleeping form.
“And you think this will help River?” he asked.
“I think that once River isn’t so terrified of what lurks in her own mind, the rest of the world might open up to her,” the Doctor replied.
Simon let go of his sister’s hand and stood back from her. He gestured towards her body.
“Do it.”
The Doctor nodded, and approached the thin girl.
“Normally I wouldn’t go into a person’s mind without getting their permission,” he explained.
“I’m River’s only guardian now. I give you permission,” Simon said.
“Still…” The Doctor hesitated, but in the end he decided that his duty to protect a child came before issues of consent, and he lowered his hands to River’s temples. Then he closed his eyes, and pushed into the unconscious girl’s mind.
It was the most spectacular thing he’d ever seen.
The Doctor was in the center of a large building with hallways branching off in every direction. None of the hallways were the straight, boxy sort. They twisted and turned, dipping vertically and then soaring higher and winding around tight corners like the neural pathways of the brain. This was a mind like no other. It had more doors than any human mind should have. This many doors only existed in a mind that had seen several lifetimes; it was a mind like a Time Lord’s.
The Doctor wasn’t quite sure where to begin, but then he felt pressure on his right hand. Glancing down, he saw a small child. She couldn’t have been much older than eight, and she was pale with long dark hair. He realized in an instant that this was River, the younger River, the one that her brain had regressed to.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she said.
“I’m here to help,” the Doctor replied.
“You have too many faces. Now you’re rude and not ginger, but not always. You are the Oncoming Storm. You turn people into weapons.”
The Doctor shook his head.
“That’s not what I do.”
“The Bad Wolf. She creates herself, but only to save you.”
The Doctor froze, but his mind flashed back to his former self, stealing away the energy of the Vortex with a kiss that Rose would never remember. He projected the memory into River’s mind.
“The Bad Wolf is gone,” he explained.
River pushed ahead without hesitation.
“There will be others. The Girl with the Osterhagen Key. The Doctor-Donna. The Last Centurion.”
The Doctor frowned.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You will,” the girl said coldly.
The Doctor tried again.
“River, I’m not going to turn you into a weapon. I want to help. Show me the scariest door.”
“No,” the girl said curtly.
“River-”
“NO!” she screamed.
She ran off, but the Doctor didn’t follow. He waited until the sound of her footsteps dimmed and disappeared, and set off in the opposite direction.
He wandered for what felt like hours through the twisting corridors, stopping only at the closed doors, for the worst thoughts would most certainly be shut away. Still, he caught glimpses through the open doors of a happy childhood with loving parents and a protective brother. He saw birthdays and schools plays and dance recitals. He saw a life; a proper life for a young girl.
But as he meandered, he could feel himself getting closer. The hallway grew steeper. His legs struggled to push forward, but he persevered. One door had a padlock. The Doctor pushed through it with the strength of his thoughts and it burst open.
Two men. Blue gloves. Sonic device. Blood pouring from every orifice. Screaming. Screaming that didn’t stop until everybody was dead.
“CLOSE IT!” Young River shouted.
The Doctor turned to see her standing behind him, a look of terror on her face. He pulled them both back through the threshold and slammed the door.
“What are you doing here?” the Doctor asked.
River slid to the floor and hugged her arms around herself. She started to rock forward and back, forward and back.
“Two by two… hands of blue…” she muttered.
The Doctor felt a surge of rage at the people who did this to her. No child should suffer this way. He crouched beside her, trying to push away all angry thoughts.
“I can take it. I can take that memory away,” he said softly.
River’s eyes darted up at his face.
“That one’s mine! I’ll need it,” she said forcefully.
The Doctor swallowed, but nodded. So this was something that River had witnessed herself. Those men would be back for her.
“Show me one that’s not yours,” the Doctor said. “A scary one. I can take it away. You don’t need to carry it any longer.”
River shook her head fiercely, but the Doctor caught her throwing a glance further down the hall. There he saw another door that was bolted shut, but there was something more. Heavy chains were bolted across its surface, crossed and crossed again to form a knotted barrier of steel. He stood slowly and moved towards it.
“NO!” River cried. “STAY AWAY!”
But the Doctor paid her no heed. He was at the door in seconds, and he placed his palm against its metal surface. He listened.
Anger, mindless and violent, the feral need to consume, to destroy, to feast. And a name.
“Who is Miranda?” the Doctor said to himself.
“If it gets out, I’ll never get it back in! GO AWAY!” River screamed.
She was rushing towards him, her face red and tear-streaked.
“That’s not what will happen, River. I promise.”
But the Doctor’s words were no consolation. She kept running towards him, blind fear in her eyes.
“Lock it away and NEVER LET IT OUT! NEVER!” she shrieked hysterically.
She reached him and began beating at his chest with feeble little fists. The Doctor gripped her wrists and held them to her sides. She looked up at him with a fearsome snarl and tried to tug herself loose, but he held on.
“Please, let me take this one. It’s so terrible. Let me help,” he pleaded.
“If you won’t leave, I’ll make you,” the little girl warned him.
The Doctor shook his head.
“Just let me in.”
River spoke again, this time in a faraway voice.
“The lost girl, so far away from home. The valiant child who will die in battle, so very soon.”
The Doctor jerked backwards, releasing her.
“What was that?” he asked.
River smiled at her success.
“The beast was right,” she whispered.
“No,” the Doctor said firmly.
River’s eyes grew cold.
“See for yourself,” she said.
The Doctor felt her thrust into his mind. He tried to close off that end of the connection, but she had taken him by surprise. Then he was in a cold room, looking at himself and Rose.
There was wind. No, not wind, a sort of gravitational pull. At the other end of the room was a wall with a hole. The Doctor could feel its power, and he knew without question that beyond that wall lay the Void, the nothingness outside of the universe. A place where nothing could survive. A place that nothing could return from.
Rose was hanging onto a lever. And then, suddenly, she wasn’t. The Doctor saw himself scream. He saw Rose drifting away, about to be swallowed by the nothingness.
“NO!” he screamed in the present.
He ripped his consciousness away from River’s at the same time that he stumbled backwards and landed on the floor of the med bay.
“What was that?” he demanded.
He scrambled to his feet and back to River’s side.
“That wasn’t a memory. What did you just show me?” he asked again.
“Doctor, what is it? What did you see?” Simon asked.
The Doctor ignored him, shouting at the catatonic girl now.
“River, TELL ME! Was that the future? Is that what’s going to happen to Rose? I need to know! WHY DID YOU SHOW ME THAT?!”
“Doctor, stop it! She’s not conscious,” Simon interrupted, pulling the Doctor back by his elbow.
The Doctor barely registered Simon’s presence. His thoughts were consumed with horror, with the desperation in his shouting to her to just hold on; the fear on Rose’s face when her fingers slipped from that lever; that awful moment when her last centimeter of purchase disappeared and she hurtled towards the Void.
He fisted his hands in his hair, nearly tearing it out. How could a person ever open the Void, and why would they? It made no sense! And how could Rose be sucked into it? He would never let that happen! Never, ever! In the Void, Rose would be lost forever, drifting through the vastness of nothingness for the rest of eternity with nothing and no one to comfort her.
Why did he see it? Was River just trying to scare him out of her mind with the most disturbing scenario possible, or was she predicting the future?
He shook his head, trying to push the memory away, but he simply couldn’t. He felt ill. His lungs could not take in enough breath, and soon he was doubled over, gasping.
“Doctor? What do you need? Here, sit down,” Simon urged, pulling over the stool.
“I don’t need to sit. I need Rose,” the Doctor gasped, pushing past him.
He was stumbling down the hallway to their room, hearts pounding with the terror of that awful vision. When he opened their door, he was relieved to see that Kaylee had left and it was only Rose inside.
“Do you like the pajamas? Kaylee lent them to me. She says it’s some anime kids show, but I think they’re fun.”
What was she saying? The Doctor vaguely noted that she was gesturing at her outfit with her bandaged hand. She was wearing a pair of brightly colored pajamas with cartoon characters on them.
“Doctor, what’s wrong?”
She had noticed that he was pale and dazed, and she wanted some answers, but the Doctor couldn’t explain. He wouldn’t. He refused to give words to that horrible vision, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he could even if he wanted to. It was too much to bear.
He stepped into the room and very carefully slid the door shut behind him. Then he turned and joined her on the bed, slipping under the covers without bothering to remove any clothing, not even his shoes.
“What happened?” Rose asked, eyebrows drawn with worry.
“Shhh,” the Doctor urged.
He gathered her up in his arms, careful of her injured hand, and pulled her tightly to him. His face found her neck and he nuzzled it delicately. His eyes slid shut and he squeezed them tightly closed. Even so, a tiny bit of wetness snuck out and fell on her neck.
“Are you crying?” she asked, sounding frightened.
The Doctor released a shuddering breath, but merely held her tighter, his arms finding purchase around her back.
“Doctor, you’re scaring me. Please say something,” she begged him.
“I’m supposed to keep you safe.”
His voice cracked. He felt Rose press her cheek to his.
“Hey, it was only a cut. I’m fine.”
He pulled back suddenly, just enough so that he could see her face.
“Rose, how long are you going to stay with me?” he asked urgently.
He knew that he must be scaring her. She’d never seen him so upset; eyes blurry with tears, forehead damp with sweat, tension radiating from his entire body. In fact, her own fear was reflected in her face. That little crinkle between her brows had worsened. But she took his face into her uninjured hand and spoke as calmly and matter-of-factly as she could.
“Forever,” she said.
It was like someone had flipped the off-switch in the Doctor’s brain. He knew that ‘forever’ wasn’t possible with a tiny pink-and-yellow human, but he didn’t care right now. He made a noise that fell somewhere between a gasp and a sigh and buried his face back in her neck.
Rose held him tight with her good hand, while her other hand rested gently on his shoulder. She murmured comforting phrases to him, but he wasn’t listening to her speak. Instead, his ears were trained on the constant rhythm of her heart. It was that sound that lulled the Doctor to sleep.
~0~0~0~
The next morning, they set down on Paquin. The Doctor awoke to a tickling sensation on his face. It was Harriet Jones: Beetle. She had crawled into bed with them at some point in the night. He shifted carefully and scooped the tiny insect up. Then, shaking away his drowsiness, he slipped out of their room before Rose was awake.
End Notes: The angst! It has arrived!
Please review, because I’m working on the last two chapters of this story (pssst, this is going to be 25 chapters and not 21… oops) and getting feedback always gives me the little extra oomph I need to keep writing. How’s that for thinly-veiled bribery?
Here's chapter eleven!
Author: shan21non
Rating: PG-13
Beta Readers: buffyaddict13 and inkhand , who are the best!
Warnings: Swearing in Mandarin!
Pairings: Ten/Rose, Mal/Inara, a bit of Simon/Kaylee
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who or Firefly. How is that fair?
Summary: When the Doctor takes a wrong turn, he and Rose find themselves aboard Serenity. Confusion, explosions, mystery, romance, and adventure ensue!
Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three Chapter four Chapter five Chapter six Chapter seven Chapter eight
Chapter nine
CHAPTER TEN
“I’m so sorry,” the young doctor said again.
The Doctor waved off his concern.
“Rose is fine. The knife went in cleanly, and it missed the artery. She’ll be as good as new in no time.”
In truth, the Doctor’s hearts had stopped when he saw the amount of blood rushing from Rose’s wound. As he carried her down to the med bay, she was pale and sweating, her face a mask of pain.
“Better save this hand, Doctor,” she had said, forcing a smile. “Mine won’t regrow like yours.”
He managed a sort of half-laugh. It was just so Rose to joke with him to distract him from her pain. But inside his panic was rising, his mind simultaneously running through a list of items that Simon probably stocked in his med bay versus the plethora of equipment he had back in the TARDIS. He almost tripped over his shoes in his haste to get her into the exam chair, and then again when he stumbled over to the sink to soak some towels. It wasn’t until he had wiped away most of the blood that he was able to exhale.
Luckily, it was a clean cut. The wounds on either side of Rose’s hand had only required a few stitches, and a shot of pain reliever later, she was lounging in their room, chatting with Kaylee.
“Still, I can’t believe that River attacked her,” Simon said.
“Is it the first time she’s done something like this?” the Doctor asked.
Simon faltered.
“Well, no. But the first time it was only Jayne.”
The Doctor nodded, as if this made perfect sense.
“River is a very troubled girl, and I don’t think that she meant Rose any harm,” he said earnestly. “Would you like to hear what I was going to tell you before this all became very messy?”
Simon looked at River, who lay unconscious in the examination chair between them, still sedated from Simon’s injection.
“Tell me,” he said.
“Let’s start with what you already know,” the Doctor replied. “The Academy cut open her brain to remove the bits of her amygdala that control her emotions. They tried to implant suggestions to be triggered by specific stimuli. They also enhanced her brain function in ways that would increase her perception.”
The Doctor paused here. Then he clarified.
“Her psychic perception.”
Simon looked as if he might object, but after a moment, he simply nodded.
“You know I’ve experienced similar treatment,” the Doctor lied smoothly. “So, I think I know the result that they were aiming for.”
“A super soldier,” Simon said.
“In a way, yes, but much more than that. I think that, rather than make River’s emotions irrepressible, the Academy wanted to install some sort of remote control for them, an off-switch, if you will. I think, Simon, that your sister was to become the most terrible weapon in the universe.”
Simon frowned, and the Doctor waited for him to reply.
“I don’t understand,” he said finally.
“Just imagine it,” the Doctor began. “An army of children raised by the Alliance. They would be deadly in combat. They would have no emotions overriding their directives. And a person could hide nothing from them, not even their innermost thoughts.”
The Doctor stared at the girl in the exam chair.
“River and her classmates would operate as the ultimate enforcers, able to not only find the people posing a threat to the Alliance’s power, but also to be their judge, jury, and executioner. She would be a one-woman army, impossible to evade or deny. Impossible to survive.”
“I-”
Simon stopped. He swallowed and tried again. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe…”
The Doctor continued smoothly.
“It didn’t work on River, obviously. Never completed. And she has you to thank for that. She can still be her own woman.”
The Doctor saw Simon’s eyes grow a bit wetter. The young man blinked rapidly to clear them. He was clearly trying very hard to maintain his composure.
“So she’s fixable?” he asked desperately. “She’ll be all right?”
The Doctor gave Simon a sad smile. It was the kind of smile you give to someone who has recently lost a loved one.
“She’s not fixable, Simon.”
The young man shook his head.
“But you said she could be her own woman.”
“I can’t undo what the Academy did to her. No one can.” The Doctor sighed. “You can’t just replace the bits of brain they removed or rearranged. Brain tissue is entirely too complex. It’s not like grafting a new arm, as you know. The synapses are so precise that even one difference can alter personality and mental function.”
Simon nodded numbly.
“The good news is that whatever they did to her, they did it well.”
Simon shot him a sharp look, and the Doctor rushed to explain.
“I mean, they’re butchers, don’t get me wrong. They cut apart an innocent child’s brain.” He moved around the exam chair to stand beside Simon. “But even butchering involves skill, and their surgeons were precise.”
“So they made her crazy, but they did it very well,” Simon bristled.
“Oh no, you misunderstand me. The Academy didn’t make her crazy.” the Doctor replied. “River did that to herself.”
Simon’s face screwed up in outrage.
“How can you say that? How can you blame a victim, a child, for the tortures perpetrated upon her by monsters?” he seethed.
The Doctor looked at Simon apologetically, and hesitated before continuing.
“It was smart, what River did. It was exactly what a child genius with no other weapons should do to protect herself.” He looked back at River, knowing that the peaceful look on her face was all too temporary. “She was rescued from the Academy halfway through their process, and that left her half-formed. Fear, anger, sadness-she’s defenseless again it all.”
Simon reached out for his sister’s hand. He held it loosely in his own.
“I know,” he said.
“I think she’s been trying to deal with the damage in two ways. The first is regression. River has regressed to a childlike state, a time when she had parents and a brother to look after her and explain when things weren’t quite as scary as she thought they were.”
He paused, running a hand through his hair.
“Think of a child unable to sleep because there’s a monster under her bed. To her, that monster is a real fear. To us, it’s not. We can explain to the child that she shouldn’t be afraid. She might still be fearful, but we give her that comfort that an adult is around to protect her.”
“I don’t understand what this has to do with River,” Simon interjected.
“Monsters lurk around every corner for River,” the Doctor replied. “Doesn’t it make sense that she would go back to that time in her childhood when she could be easily comforted?”
Simon didn’t speak for a while. Then, finally, he turned back to the Doctor.
“You said that there are two ways that my sister copes. What’s the second?”
“If the government runs the Academy, then that means that River was probably around some very important people while she was there.”
“So?”
“Think about it, Simon. They put a psychic in a room with the people who know the most terrible secrets in the universe. Espionage. Scandals. Cover-ups.”
Realization flooded into Simon’s eyes.
“That’s why they’re so determined to get her back,” he murmured.
“I think that some of those secrets are so frightening that River has mentally cut off certain parts of her brain. She’s trying to protect herself and others from that terrible knowledge.”
Simon nodded, but the Doctor wasn’t sure he was entirely listening.
“She talks to herself, doesn’t she?” he asked. “She has conversations with no one? She disappears for hours on end?”
This got Simon’s attention.
“Yes,” he said immediately.
“That’s all a result of this second coping mechanism. It’s like River has short circuited her brain, and it no longer functions normally.”
“You said she could be normal again,” Simon said hopefully.
“I said she could be her own woman,” the Doctor corrected. “And she can. We can’t fix what they did to her. She’ll never be able to regulate her emotions, at least not like she used to. But I can lessen her fear. I can make some of the monsters go away.”
“How?”
“When I was taken, I underwent similar surgeries. They left me with certain psychic abilities. If you’d like, I can look into River’s mind. I can try to access those scary thoughts that she received and I can-”
The Doctor broke off then, unsure whether or not to proceed.
“You can what, Doctor?” Simon pressed.
The Doctor stared Simon straight in the eyes.
“I can take them from her. I can remove them completely.”
Simon flinched.
“You’d be stealing her memories.”
The Doctor shook his head.
“Not her memories, no. The memories of very bad men. Memories that have no business in the mind of a child.”
Simon’s gaze drifted once more to his sister’s sleeping form.
“And you think this will help River?” he asked.
“I think that once River isn’t so terrified of what lurks in her own mind, the rest of the world might open up to her,” the Doctor replied.
Simon let go of his sister’s hand and stood back from her. He gestured towards her body.
“Do it.”
The Doctor nodded, and approached the thin girl.
“Normally I wouldn’t go into a person’s mind without getting their permission,” he explained.
“I’m River’s only guardian now. I give you permission,” Simon said.
“Still…” The Doctor hesitated, but in the end he decided that his duty to protect a child came before issues of consent, and he lowered his hands to River’s temples. Then he closed his eyes, and pushed into the unconscious girl’s mind.
It was the most spectacular thing he’d ever seen.
The Doctor was in the center of a large building with hallways branching off in every direction. None of the hallways were the straight, boxy sort. They twisted and turned, dipping vertically and then soaring higher and winding around tight corners like the neural pathways of the brain. This was a mind like no other. It had more doors than any human mind should have. This many doors only existed in a mind that had seen several lifetimes; it was a mind like a Time Lord’s.
The Doctor wasn’t quite sure where to begin, but then he felt pressure on his right hand. Glancing down, he saw a small child. She couldn’t have been much older than eight, and she was pale with long dark hair. He realized in an instant that this was River, the younger River, the one that her brain had regressed to.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she said.
“I’m here to help,” the Doctor replied.
“You have too many faces. Now you’re rude and not ginger, but not always. You are the Oncoming Storm. You turn people into weapons.”
The Doctor shook his head.
“That’s not what I do.”
“The Bad Wolf. She creates herself, but only to save you.”
The Doctor froze, but his mind flashed back to his former self, stealing away the energy of the Vortex with a kiss that Rose would never remember. He projected the memory into River’s mind.
“The Bad Wolf is gone,” he explained.
River pushed ahead without hesitation.
“There will be others. The Girl with the Osterhagen Key. The Doctor-Donna. The Last Centurion.”
The Doctor frowned.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You will,” the girl said coldly.
The Doctor tried again.
“River, I’m not going to turn you into a weapon. I want to help. Show me the scariest door.”
“No,” the girl said curtly.
“River-”
“NO!” she screamed.
She ran off, but the Doctor didn’t follow. He waited until the sound of her footsteps dimmed and disappeared, and set off in the opposite direction.
He wandered for what felt like hours through the twisting corridors, stopping only at the closed doors, for the worst thoughts would most certainly be shut away. Still, he caught glimpses through the open doors of a happy childhood with loving parents and a protective brother. He saw birthdays and schools plays and dance recitals. He saw a life; a proper life for a young girl.
But as he meandered, he could feel himself getting closer. The hallway grew steeper. His legs struggled to push forward, but he persevered. One door had a padlock. The Doctor pushed through it with the strength of his thoughts and it burst open.
Two men. Blue gloves. Sonic device. Blood pouring from every orifice. Screaming. Screaming that didn’t stop until everybody was dead.
“CLOSE IT!” Young River shouted.
The Doctor turned to see her standing behind him, a look of terror on her face. He pulled them both back through the threshold and slammed the door.
“What are you doing here?” the Doctor asked.
River slid to the floor and hugged her arms around herself. She started to rock forward and back, forward and back.
“Two by two… hands of blue…” she muttered.
The Doctor felt a surge of rage at the people who did this to her. No child should suffer this way. He crouched beside her, trying to push away all angry thoughts.
“I can take it. I can take that memory away,” he said softly.
River’s eyes darted up at his face.
“That one’s mine! I’ll need it,” she said forcefully.
The Doctor swallowed, but nodded. So this was something that River had witnessed herself. Those men would be back for her.
“Show me one that’s not yours,” the Doctor said. “A scary one. I can take it away. You don’t need to carry it any longer.”
River shook her head fiercely, but the Doctor caught her throwing a glance further down the hall. There he saw another door that was bolted shut, but there was something more. Heavy chains were bolted across its surface, crossed and crossed again to form a knotted barrier of steel. He stood slowly and moved towards it.
“NO!” River cried. “STAY AWAY!”
But the Doctor paid her no heed. He was at the door in seconds, and he placed his palm against its metal surface. He listened.
Anger, mindless and violent, the feral need to consume, to destroy, to feast. And a name.
“Who is Miranda?” the Doctor said to himself.
“If it gets out, I’ll never get it back in! GO AWAY!” River screamed.
She was rushing towards him, her face red and tear-streaked.
“That’s not what will happen, River. I promise.”
But the Doctor’s words were no consolation. She kept running towards him, blind fear in her eyes.
“Lock it away and NEVER LET IT OUT! NEVER!” she shrieked hysterically.
She reached him and began beating at his chest with feeble little fists. The Doctor gripped her wrists and held them to her sides. She looked up at him with a fearsome snarl and tried to tug herself loose, but he held on.
“Please, let me take this one. It’s so terrible. Let me help,” he pleaded.
“If you won’t leave, I’ll make you,” the little girl warned him.
The Doctor shook his head.
“Just let me in.”
River spoke again, this time in a faraway voice.
“The lost girl, so far away from home. The valiant child who will die in battle, so very soon.”
The Doctor jerked backwards, releasing her.
“What was that?” he asked.
River smiled at her success.
“The beast was right,” she whispered.
“No,” the Doctor said firmly.
River’s eyes grew cold.
“See for yourself,” she said.
The Doctor felt her thrust into his mind. He tried to close off that end of the connection, but she had taken him by surprise. Then he was in a cold room, looking at himself and Rose.
There was wind. No, not wind, a sort of gravitational pull. At the other end of the room was a wall with a hole. The Doctor could feel its power, and he knew without question that beyond that wall lay the Void, the nothingness outside of the universe. A place where nothing could survive. A place that nothing could return from.
Rose was hanging onto a lever. And then, suddenly, she wasn’t. The Doctor saw himself scream. He saw Rose drifting away, about to be swallowed by the nothingness.
“NO!” he screamed in the present.
He ripped his consciousness away from River’s at the same time that he stumbled backwards and landed on the floor of the med bay.
“What was that?” he demanded.
He scrambled to his feet and back to River’s side.
“That wasn’t a memory. What did you just show me?” he asked again.
“Doctor, what is it? What did you see?” Simon asked.
The Doctor ignored him, shouting at the catatonic girl now.
“River, TELL ME! Was that the future? Is that what’s going to happen to Rose? I need to know! WHY DID YOU SHOW ME THAT?!”
“Doctor, stop it! She’s not conscious,” Simon interrupted, pulling the Doctor back by his elbow.
The Doctor barely registered Simon’s presence. His thoughts were consumed with horror, with the desperation in his shouting to her to just hold on; the fear on Rose’s face when her fingers slipped from that lever; that awful moment when her last centimeter of purchase disappeared and she hurtled towards the Void.
He fisted his hands in his hair, nearly tearing it out. How could a person ever open the Void, and why would they? It made no sense! And how could Rose be sucked into it? He would never let that happen! Never, ever! In the Void, Rose would be lost forever, drifting through the vastness of nothingness for the rest of eternity with nothing and no one to comfort her.
Why did he see it? Was River just trying to scare him out of her mind with the most disturbing scenario possible, or was she predicting the future?
He shook his head, trying to push the memory away, but he simply couldn’t. He felt ill. His lungs could not take in enough breath, and soon he was doubled over, gasping.
“Doctor? What do you need? Here, sit down,” Simon urged, pulling over the stool.
“I don’t need to sit. I need Rose,” the Doctor gasped, pushing past him.
He was stumbling down the hallway to their room, hearts pounding with the terror of that awful vision. When he opened their door, he was relieved to see that Kaylee had left and it was only Rose inside.
“Do you like the pajamas? Kaylee lent them to me. She says it’s some anime kids show, but I think they’re fun.”
What was she saying? The Doctor vaguely noted that she was gesturing at her outfit with her bandaged hand. She was wearing a pair of brightly colored pajamas with cartoon characters on them.
“Doctor, what’s wrong?”
She had noticed that he was pale and dazed, and she wanted some answers, but the Doctor couldn’t explain. He wouldn’t. He refused to give words to that horrible vision, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he could even if he wanted to. It was too much to bear.
He stepped into the room and very carefully slid the door shut behind him. Then he turned and joined her on the bed, slipping under the covers without bothering to remove any clothing, not even his shoes.
“What happened?” Rose asked, eyebrows drawn with worry.
“Shhh,” the Doctor urged.
He gathered her up in his arms, careful of her injured hand, and pulled her tightly to him. His face found her neck and he nuzzled it delicately. His eyes slid shut and he squeezed them tightly closed. Even so, a tiny bit of wetness snuck out and fell on her neck.
“Are you crying?” she asked, sounding frightened.
The Doctor released a shuddering breath, but merely held her tighter, his arms finding purchase around her back.
“Doctor, you’re scaring me. Please say something,” she begged him.
“I’m supposed to keep you safe.”
His voice cracked. He felt Rose press her cheek to his.
“Hey, it was only a cut. I’m fine.”
He pulled back suddenly, just enough so that he could see her face.
“Rose, how long are you going to stay with me?” he asked urgently.
He knew that he must be scaring her. She’d never seen him so upset; eyes blurry with tears, forehead damp with sweat, tension radiating from his entire body. In fact, her own fear was reflected in her face. That little crinkle between her brows had worsened. But she took his face into her uninjured hand and spoke as calmly and matter-of-factly as she could.
“Forever,” she said.
It was like someone had flipped the off-switch in the Doctor’s brain. He knew that ‘forever’ wasn’t possible with a tiny pink-and-yellow human, but he didn’t care right now. He made a noise that fell somewhere between a gasp and a sigh and buried his face back in her neck.
Rose held him tight with her good hand, while her other hand rested gently on his shoulder. She murmured comforting phrases to him, but he wasn’t listening to her speak. Instead, his ears were trained on the constant rhythm of her heart. It was that sound that lulled the Doctor to sleep.
~0~0~0~
The next morning, they set down on Paquin. The Doctor awoke to a tickling sensation on his face. It was Harriet Jones: Beetle. She had crawled into bed with them at some point in the night. He shifted carefully and scooped the tiny insect up. Then, shaking away his drowsiness, he slipped out of their room before Rose was awake.
End Notes: The angst! It has arrived!
Please review, because I’m working on the last two chapters of this story (pssst, this is going to be 25 chapters and not 21… oops) and getting feedback always gives me the little extra oomph I need to keep writing. How’s that for thinly-veiled bribery?
Here's chapter eleven!