My official introduction
Hello, everyone! I want to thank you again for offering to talk with me last night (in this post: http://community.livejournal.com/shamone_mj/611297.html#). Knowing that so many others understand what I'm going through and are willing to help me through this grief means more than I can ever write. Thank you. If anyone else wants to talk or needs help, I'll be here for you as soon as I'm able.
My name is Jessie, I'm 24, I live in New York, and I am a performer. I have been on stage since at least age 5, starting with ballet, then acting, then singing. Michael Jackson inspired me to use my natural gift of song to make this world a better place, like he did, and although I've experienced many setbacks in this difficult life, I am determined to realize this goal. I've had professional voice training with a well-known opera singer for over ten years, and I can read and write music. I am of the belief that musicians do not deserve the fame and money that they receive unless they work hard to make good music and, more importantly, use their gifts to contribute to the world in a significant way. Michael did this, and no other musician should be satisfied with anything less.
I've been a fan of Michael Jackson since I was probably 3 or 4 years old. My mother introduced him to my sister and I through the Jackson 5ive and then through his solo works. The first time I can remember seeing him on television was for the premiere of his short film, 'Black or White'. I remember telling my father, "She's pretty, but she looks kind of like a man". He laughed and told me that this was Michael Jackson, the person whose music my mother was always playing for us. I said, "Oh".
I've had an incredibly difficult life, for various reasons, and am still unable to escape this intrinsic alien feeling that I was born with which leads me to believe I do not belong here, on this Earth, and that I don't even belong in a human body. I know how ridiculous it sounds, and I have no other way to explain it, but I always told myself that Michael would understand, that he was the only person on this planet who possibly could. Over the years, I was able to assimilate into society much better and become outwardly normal.
When Michael "disappeared" after the 'Dangerous' album and the ensuing controversy over lying parents and children, I admit that I completely forgot about him. I became embroiled in the constant struggle of attempting with all my might (quite unsuccessfully) to be like any other normal pre-teenaged girl. I don't quite remember how I came back to him. I think it was slowly--perhaps I'd seen some of his videos replayed on MTV, perhaps I'd found some of his old albums or the Thriller doll I was given as a child--but surely, by age 13, I was completely obsessed with him in a way that I never had been as a little girl. In the beginning, my dreams of him consisted largely of my wish that he could be my friend or even a father figure to me, and as a teenager they developed into the full-blown conviction that Michael Jackson was the only man I could ever love. I was determined to meet him and marry him. I have always been a tenaciously ambitious person when it comes to my dreams.
During my teenage years, I continued to isolate myself and to involve Michael into my world. I learned to dance again, in a way I never had before, from watching his videos, and his beautiful voice inspired me to share my own with others; something I had always been afraid to do. I threw myself into music--the lessons, the auditions--and Michael.
Long story short, when I became an older teenager--17, 18--I forced myself to relinquish my mental hold on Michael Jackson, because it was too painful for me to be without someone I loved that much, and because I craved another person in my life. I didn't give up the dream of being with him, I just put them on hold. I found that I was unable to pursue "normal" relationships with others, until I met my current boyfriend when I was 19 years old. He's been the closest thing to Michael--to myself--that I have ever found, and I love him very much. I let Michael go then, so that I could have him in my life, wholly and completely.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since then, but increasingly better the older I get, and the farther away I get from my childhood. I've continued to battle with the alien feeling, and learned to accept it, to stop trying as hard. I still act automatically among people I do not know or care about, but that is a necessity in this society. I've kept music in the background and was able to discover a deep love of animals and the desire to make this world a better place for them. I have such difficulty understanding the motives and desires of other humans, and such ease understanding those of animals, so I chose to help them. I want to use my music and whatever influence I may someday have to help them, too.
I was on my way to the hair salon when Michael died. My best friend sent me a text message telling me the news, baldly and without preamble. I stopped in my tracks, and my heart seemed to do the same. When I entered the salon, everyone was talking about it. I slowly began to realize that it could be true. I remained frozen until I got home and turned on the news. It was confirmed; it was true. I wasn't able to cry for him for over a month. Not until this past week, actually. I refused to believe it, deep in my soul, no matter how rational the facts were. My first love, my deepest, truest love, is dead. My head knew it, but my heart would not let me accept it. I still am having great trouble accepting it, I still cannot believe that I will never shake his hand, smile at him, thank him for saving my life.
I keep telling myself that I should have gone to Neverland--or wherever he was living at any given time--and sat outside until I was able to just smile at him. Just once, and he would know. He would know everything I felt, everything I've been through, and he'd see that I knew the same of him. Just a smile, that's all I needed. If I could just make him smile once, I could give him back a fraction of what he's given to me. If he would let me, I'd give him everything, but that's no longer an option.
Now all I can think is, "he shouldn't have had to die alone. He deserved so much more". And I weep, alone. My boyfriend cannot possibly understand the feelings I have and have had for Michael, and I don't think that even my own family can either. But I know that you do understand, and I think that with your help... maybe there is a chance for all of us to heal. Together. I pray for this.
~
Thank you to anyone who has managed to get through all of that, and thanks to those who have even glanced through it. I needed to write it, nevertheless. I hope we can all become friends. Everyone here seems so great and funny and kind, and being able to laugh and smile at the posts you've made has been wonderful for me. Thank you, and I love you.
~Jessie
P.S.: Next month, my boyfriend and I are going to a cosplay convention (a dreadfully guilty pleasure, believe you me) and I am determined to dress as Michael for it. Since money is tight, I want to do his look from the 'Black or White' video. It's simple and should be easy to put together. I just am not able to get any clear pictures of the belt or shoes he was wearing in it. Do you any of you have these?
Here's a pair of loafers I was considering:
http://www.zappos.com/product/7169629/color/3
Think they'll work?
Thanks in advance for your help!
...That may be the silliest 'p.s.' ever. ^^;
My name is Jessie, I'm 24, I live in New York, and I am a performer. I have been on stage since at least age 5, starting with ballet, then acting, then singing. Michael Jackson inspired me to use my natural gift of song to make this world a better place, like he did, and although I've experienced many setbacks in this difficult life, I am determined to realize this goal. I've had professional voice training with a well-known opera singer for over ten years, and I can read and write music. I am of the belief that musicians do not deserve the fame and money that they receive unless they work hard to make good music and, more importantly, use their gifts to contribute to the world in a significant way. Michael did this, and no other musician should be satisfied with anything less.
I've been a fan of Michael Jackson since I was probably 3 or 4 years old. My mother introduced him to my sister and I through the Jackson 5ive and then through his solo works. The first time I can remember seeing him on television was for the premiere of his short film, 'Black or White'. I remember telling my father, "She's pretty, but she looks kind of like a man". He laughed and told me that this was Michael Jackson, the person whose music my mother was always playing for us. I said, "Oh".
I've had an incredibly difficult life, for various reasons, and am still unable to escape this intrinsic alien feeling that I was born with which leads me to believe I do not belong here, on this Earth, and that I don't even belong in a human body. I know how ridiculous it sounds, and I have no other way to explain it, but I always told myself that Michael would understand, that he was the only person on this planet who possibly could. Over the years, I was able to assimilate into society much better and become outwardly normal.
When Michael "disappeared" after the 'Dangerous' album and the ensuing controversy over lying parents and children, I admit that I completely forgot about him. I became embroiled in the constant struggle of attempting with all my might (quite unsuccessfully) to be like any other normal pre-teenaged girl. I don't quite remember how I came back to him. I think it was slowly--perhaps I'd seen some of his videos replayed on MTV, perhaps I'd found some of his old albums or the Thriller doll I was given as a child--but surely, by age 13, I was completely obsessed with him in a way that I never had been as a little girl. In the beginning, my dreams of him consisted largely of my wish that he could be my friend or even a father figure to me, and as a teenager they developed into the full-blown conviction that Michael Jackson was the only man I could ever love. I was determined to meet him and marry him. I have always been a tenaciously ambitious person when it comes to my dreams.
During my teenage years, I continued to isolate myself and to involve Michael into my world. I learned to dance again, in a way I never had before, from watching his videos, and his beautiful voice inspired me to share my own with others; something I had always been afraid to do. I threw myself into music--the lessons, the auditions--and Michael.
Long story short, when I became an older teenager--17, 18--I forced myself to relinquish my mental hold on Michael Jackson, because it was too painful for me to be without someone I loved that much, and because I craved another person in my life. I didn't give up the dream of being with him, I just put them on hold. I found that I was unable to pursue "normal" relationships with others, until I met my current boyfriend when I was 19 years old. He's been the closest thing to Michael--to myself--that I have ever found, and I love him very much. I let Michael go then, so that I could have him in my life, wholly and completely.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since then, but increasingly better the older I get, and the farther away I get from my childhood. I've continued to battle with the alien feeling, and learned to accept it, to stop trying as hard. I still act automatically among people I do not know or care about, but that is a necessity in this society. I've kept music in the background and was able to discover a deep love of animals and the desire to make this world a better place for them. I have such difficulty understanding the motives and desires of other humans, and such ease understanding those of animals, so I chose to help them. I want to use my music and whatever influence I may someday have to help them, too.
I was on my way to the hair salon when Michael died. My best friend sent me a text message telling me the news, baldly and without preamble. I stopped in my tracks, and my heart seemed to do the same. When I entered the salon, everyone was talking about it. I slowly began to realize that it could be true. I remained frozen until I got home and turned on the news. It was confirmed; it was true. I wasn't able to cry for him for over a month. Not until this past week, actually. I refused to believe it, deep in my soul, no matter how rational the facts were. My first love, my deepest, truest love, is dead. My head knew it, but my heart would not let me accept it. I still am having great trouble accepting it, I still cannot believe that I will never shake his hand, smile at him, thank him for saving my life.
I keep telling myself that I should have gone to Neverland--or wherever he was living at any given time--and sat outside until I was able to just smile at him. Just once, and he would know. He would know everything I felt, everything I've been through, and he'd see that I knew the same of him. Just a smile, that's all I needed. If I could just make him smile once, I could give him back a fraction of what he's given to me. If he would let me, I'd give him everything, but that's no longer an option.
Now all I can think is, "he shouldn't have had to die alone. He deserved so much more". And I weep, alone. My boyfriend cannot possibly understand the feelings I have and have had for Michael, and I don't think that even my own family can either. But I know that you do understand, and I think that with your help... maybe there is a chance for all of us to heal. Together. I pray for this.
~
Thank you to anyone who has managed to get through all of that, and thanks to those who have even glanced through it. I needed to write it, nevertheless. I hope we can all become friends. Everyone here seems so great and funny and kind, and being able to laugh and smile at the posts you've made has been wonderful for me. Thank you, and I love you.
~Jessie
P.S.: Next month, my boyfriend and I are going to a cosplay convention (a dreadfully guilty pleasure, believe you me) and I am determined to dress as Michael for it. Since money is tight, I want to do his look from the 'Black or White' video. It's simple and should be easy to put together. I just am not able to get any clear pictures of the belt or shoes he was wearing in it. Do you any of you have these?
Here's a pair of loafers I was considering:
http://www.zappos.com/product/7169629/color/3
Think they'll work?
Thanks in advance for your help!
...That may be the silliest 'p.s.' ever. ^^;